Bear Mauling Jokes

On my last backpacking trip I realized how many dark bear jokes I know. It’s an occupational hazard, I guess, from being a backpacker and a biologist. Here are the ones I can think of that aren’t too offensive. If you know others, post in comments.

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Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it’s a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it’s a grizzly bear.

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Two hikers round a corner and come face to face with an enormous bear that rises up on its haunches and roars at them.

“What do we do?” the first hiker asks.
“Run!”
“Do you really think you can outrun a bear?”
“No, but I can outrun you.”

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on
the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
“You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen.”

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This next one isn’t family-friendly, so I’ll put it behind the “continue” link.

Guy goes into a gun store. He tells the salesman he’s going moose hunting in Alaska. He needs to know what kind of handgun he should carry in case he runs into a bear.

The salesman says, “Carry any handgun you want. But if you’re going to shoot a bear with it, be sure to grind off the front sight.”

The customer looks perplexed. “Why should I grind off the front sight?”

“That way it won’t hurt so bad when the bear takes it away and shoves it up your ass.”