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And especially the Emergency Room forum thread Things I learned from my patients:

• Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.
• Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
• One thing I’ve learned from 3 EM rotations is: Stay away from people named “Some Guy” or “This One Dude”, because they for whatever reason just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off.
• Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will, somehow, work its way up your rectum.
• Claiming that you are allergic to Tylenol, Asprin, Ibuprofin, and Aleve while asking for morphine is the fastest way to make friends with all of the docs in the hospital.
• Never leave your last refill of percocet in plain site after your docs office closes if one of these 3 friends is coming over for dinner: 1. some dude, 2. my friend, 3. that bitch
• If the two dudes live in YOUR city, don’t sit out on your front porch reading the bible and minding your own business at 2 AM unless you are praying to be shot.
• Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don’t give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
• Well another professor of life came through last night and bestowed some wisdom on me which I’ll share. No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated don’t slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra. Now I know, who among us hasn’t thought wistfully of doing that but it turns out that it’s not a good idea.
• If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first…..and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina…..then, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removaL
• If you own a horse named thunder, flash, psycho, or reaper, do not get within 20 feet, and don’t even think of just taking them for a quick ride.
• Just because the knut fits around your penis when you are not erect, it doesn’t mean it will fit when you are.
• The Law of Inverse Value: the less you contribute to society, the greater the trauma you can sustain with minimal to no physical sequelae, including falls from 3 stories, stabbings (chest, neck, head, slashings to the face), gunshot wounds (chest, neck, pelvis, leg, traumatic arrest (only to be killed 7 years later in a separate GSW incident)), and high speed MVC’s, unrestrained, where multiple people in the other vehicle are killed.
• Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don’t pay.
• Similarly, if you’re 90 and gonna get a hooker, pay up…amazingly, the slash through-and-through both esophagus and trachea along with at-the-door full arrest was survived and he went home trached, never to speak or eat again…hope she was worth it.
• One of our guys does a lot of work with crotalid envenomations, and said that his estimate is about 90% of snakebites involve a victim with some degree of inebriation. I think you might need to be if you want to kiss a snake that could kill you.
• Haven’t you heard of the 5 Ts for snake bites? Curiously, works for trauma, too.

• Toothlessness
• Tattoos
• pickup TRUCK
• inTOXicated
• Testicles

Previously:

• Cover Browser – the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet
• Nemesisboy – the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet
• Mirrordot – the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet
• Leia’s Metal Bikini – The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet