Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page - The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

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Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page - The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

Monday, September 7th, 2009 | Comic Books, Funny Ha-Ha |

Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page. So awesome.

It’s insulting enough that they made Apache Chief a complete idiot, but I’m surprised they didn’t have him selling fireworks out the back of the Hall of Justice. I guess they thought pausing four minutes between each word was Indian enough. Now that I mention it, I don’t think he was Apache or a chief. His name doesn’t make any damn sense. That’s like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him “Minnesota President.”

And now that I look at his bad tan, he might not even be an Indian. He’s the same color as my neighbor’s cat when I shave it. The Super Friends probably just found a growing guy, dressed him up in a Halloween costume, and hit him in the head until he sounded like Tanto. Yeah, sorry about that guy too, Native Americans.

Wonder Woman:

She gets a lot of crap for her star panties even though everyone on her team wears pretty much the same outfit. It’s like every superhero went swimming one morning and said, “Shit, guys. We don’t have to go home and change! We could just go fight crime like this.” I guess it does look a little bit cheap on Wonder Woman, though. Samurai’s only wearing bloomers and gogo boots too, but he’s from Japan, and there’s that insane cultural gap. We’re lucky he’s not wearing dead fish and a pink cowboy hat. Maybe this is another gender double standard like how boys can have sex with girls without being called lesbians, but Wonder Woman should have at least put on a skirt.”

Black Vulcan:

In the seventies, when you were black, your super hero name needed to remind us. If Captain America was black, he wouldn’t have been a captain. They would have called him Blackman America and he would have only fought crime in discos. Black Manta was just “Manta” for a few seasons before the writers found out the guy in the middle of the submarine wreckage was black.

The white Super Friends all had names that described their powers. Aquaman, Batman, Hawkman, Flash… you kind of had an idea what their powers were even before they announced them outloud every time they used them. But anyone ethnic got named after the country they’re from or what color they were. If Apache Chief was white, he’d be Grow Man or Large Lad. And Samurai? He wasn’t a Samurai. That doesn’t mean anything, it’s just the only Japanese word they knew. It’s like naming Batman “Cowboy” or naming Green Lantern “Baseball Player.” They named the Mexican Super Friend “El Dorado.” That was a city made out of gold. Yeah, it sounds Mexican, but it’s nonsense. If the Super Friends hired a Swiss guy, you know they’d name him Hot Chocolate. If a black guy hadn’t already taken it, of course.

Dirty word alert.

Superman:

With Superman around there was no point in having anyone else on the team. Name one problem that a bat-shaped boomerang could solve that Superman couldn’t solve in one billionth of the time. Besides helping the elderly who want to have sex with a bat-shaped boomerang, and good luck finding one of those– I’ve tried. If Chuck Norris’ copdog sidekick had all its legs removed and then you glued its mouth shut, you have a vague understanding of how useful the rest of the team was to Superman.

Samurai:

First off, Samurai wasn’t a samurai. He just brought a picture of one with him when he went to Supercuts. And second, I don’t think he was Japanese either. He really wanted for us to think he was, but he was about as Japanese as a 10 inch penis.

Flash:

The point is, if Flash was a normal sixth grader, the rest of the Super Friends were a group of mainstreamed retarded children who slowed him down to the point of… BEAR. It must have seemed like a year waiting for the rest of his hero friends to finish their sentences, and that’s not counting Apache Chief. He talked so slow he had to give his audience an intermission when he was reading them a one panel Family Circus comic. And thanks to a federal mandate from the Cartoon Native Preservation Act, the show was legally required to give him at least two lines a week. If you added up all time of our childhoods taken up in the silence between that damn guy’s words, we could have all learned how to needlepoint. Now just think: if you were the Flash, every person you met would sound like Apache Chief.

Wonder Twins:

Were they part of some sort of outreach program? Did the Society of Stupid Children hold a boycott demanding more character representation in the cartoon media? These two sucked so bad the Super Friends made them share a sidekick. And they gave everybody their own sidekick. They gave Hawkman a hawk, they gave Flash a smaller, yellow Flash, and they gave Aquaman two sidekicks PLUS a seahorse and a jetski. Even Aquaman got more of the superhero budget than them. That’s like firing all your English teachers to give the female gym coach the two-way mirror she’s been asking for.

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1 Comment to Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page - The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

Thomas
February 26, 2010

Beautifully written Shakespeare. I never even noticed that Cyborg was white. Where was the ethnic adjective there cartoon world? This whole time I thought he was a white woman since you didn’t tell me otherwise. Maybe if Samurai’s lips were out of sync with his dialog I would have believed he was Japanese. And I have never had any problem with Wonder Woman’s celestial panties. I’m probably fast tracking my trip to Hell, but I would have done Jayna in a heartbeat.