Les Jones

My million dollar watermelon idea

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

I’m going to sell seedless watermelon seeds. The package will cost five dollars and there won’t be anything in it.

Attempting to avert financial disaster, George Bush adds PayPal button to WhiteHouse.gov Web site

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Americans who feel their $700 billion contribution isn’t enough now have another way to show they care. On Sunday evening George Bush added a PayPal button to the WhiteHouse.gov Web site. With a mouseclick citizens can hit the tipjars of Lehman Brothers, Countrywide Mortgage, and other financially-distressed investment houses.

Taxpayers who contribute $100 or more will receive a commemorative FINANCIAL DO-OVER 2008 tote bag. “As a country we’ve forgotten the importance of saving,” said Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke. “For God’s sake let’s not forget the importance of toting.”

On Tuesday Bush plans to add an Amazon store and Google Adsense. “TWO PERCENT of every book or DVD you purchase through the Amazon links directly offsets someone’s no-money down subprime mortgage!!!” the president gushed on his blog. The two-term U.S. commander in chief said he got the idea while instant messaging with Italian foreign minister Franco Frattini.

My million dollar Rice-a-Roni idea

Thursday, September 18th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

So back in the Seventies the parting gift on some game shows was a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, “The San Francisco Treat.”

Rice-a-Roni should come out with a new flavor called Lifetime Supply so you could buy one box and have a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni.

Also, Lifetime Supply would be a great name for a band’s greatest hits collection.

“Bulletproof Style Vest”

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 6 Comments |

From an ad on me very own blog.

Previously:
- Words that make you stupider when you say them
- Pizza Hut’s “Hand-tossed Style Pizza”

My million dollar lipstick idea

Thursday, September 11th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Someone needs to come out with a shade of lipstick called Hockey Mom Pink.

Headlines from the year 1849

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Denim: The New Mining Age Miracle Fabric

Move over, Wikipedia

Thursday, September 4th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Uncyclopedia is in town. From the Captain Crunch entry:

Captain Horatio Magellan Figaro Crunch (born “Horshak Khrunč II”, after his wookie Mother) is, without a doubt, the most feared pirate in all of naval history. Sometimes confused with other noted buccaneers such as Your Mom, Benny the Tulip, John Draper, McFall and Mark Twain, this is due mostly to these lesser swashbucklers taking credit for Crunch’s exploits that were overheard in many a dockside whorehouse.He is a known terror to all Seven Seas, most of the oceans, a few rivers, and even a couple of log flume rides. Skilled in the use of both cutlass and pistol, as well as breakfast cereal, few privateers would even think to tangle with the Captain of the S.S. Guppy these days, especially after Crunch’s last rival, Jean LaFoote, was marooned on a Soggie infested island with pistol, powder and only one shot.

Contrary to popular belief, Cap’n Crunch is not a real captain, but actually one rank lower, at Cap’n, which should be pronounced /kapmmm/.

It’s authoritatively funny.

Johnny Four Fingers

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

THE SCENE: Police headquarters. A black and white slideshow in a smoky briefing room

CHIEF: That’s Sammy One Eye. You all know him. That guy next to him is new. He’s a bagman for the Gambino crime family. Our guy on the inside says his name is Johnny Four Fingers.
ROOKIE: Chief, when you say four fingers, I assume he has four fingers on one hand and the normal number on the other?
CHIEF: Don’t assume anything, kid. For all we know he has exactly four fingers on each hand.
SERGEANT: I dunno, chief. Some of those guys are in pretty bad shape. Could be he only has four fingers total.
ROOKIE: Or maybe he has three fingers on one hand and five on the other, so four fingers is an average.
CHIEF: Maybe he’s fucking Mexican and that’s how much tequila he likes in his fucking Margarita! Watch the fucking slideshow!
SERGEANT: Right, chief.

See also:
- If I Ever Write a Comedy With Mobsters…
- A Good Character Name
- Scene for a Comedy
- Detail for a Buddy Comedy
- Throwaway Line
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember
- Vignette for a Yuppie Dumbass

Words That Are Funny

Friday, July 18th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Quaalude. Quaalude is a word that is funny.

If I Ever Write a Comedy With Mobsters…

Thursday, June 19th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

I’ll name one of them Johnny Correct Number of Fingers.

See also:
- A Good Character Name
- Scene for a Comedy
- Detail for a Buddy Comedy
- Throwaway Line
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember
- Vignette for a Yuppie Dumbass

A Good Character Name

Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

If I ever write a book with a really unattractive character I think I’ll name him Heinous Cringeworthy.

See also:
- Scene for a Comedy
- Detail for a Buddy Comedy
- Throwaway Line
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember
- Vignette for a Yuppie Dumbass

Words that are Funny: Dessert Pizza

Friday, May 23rd, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Dessert pizza is a word that’s funny.

And why pizza? Why not dessert spaghetti?

See also:
- Words that are funny - falafel
- Words that are funny - bonghit

Arc of a Republican Congressman

Friday, May 23rd, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Iowahawk nails it.

1994:

As a small businessman, I know how all of us here in the 3rd District are being affected by regulations and taxes from unaccountable Washington bureaucrats like 3rd District Democrat incumbent Chuck Larson. After 7 terms in Congress, Larson is out of touch with the problems we face here. As a proud Republican with a no-nonsense, can-do attitude, I will fight tirelessly to bring Ronald Reagan’s small government principles back to Washington.

[...]

2008:

Stopping global Warming. Universal healthcare for our children. A new ethanol-powered monorail to the Bristol Convention Center. Insuring the fragile success of the Iraq surge. On the issues that really matter to the 3rd District, Congressman Jerry Bristol has been building bipartisan bridges of cooperation and compromise across ideological aisles, working tirelessly to to get things done. For you.

And the bridge building doesn’t stop there. Just look at Townsburgh’s shiny new Bristol Viaduct and the Jerry Bristol Causeway to Townsburgh State’s new Bristol Center for Government Excellence. In total, over 4000 permanent bridge building jobs in Townsburg alone. All due to the tireless work of Jerry Bristol, ranking minority member of the House Transportation Subcommittee for Bridges.

RTWT.

Garfield Without Garfield. Marmaduke Explained

Friday, April 18th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Garfield Without Garfield - Garfield comics with the cat airbrushed out. Jon normally looks pretty sad and pathetic. With Garfield gone it’s worse because he’s just talking to himself (which, the comic convention of talking animals aside, he is anyway).

Marmaduke Explained -for when you’re too sleepy to unrvael the complicated threads that tie together a Marmaduke strip:

“Marmaduke, bereft of any vestiges of morality as ever, tried to cheat at a game of poker. What’s worse than that, it was at a game made up entirely of elementary school girls. What’s worse than that, he failed instantly.”

Don’t Read This, NASCAR Fans

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Q: How do you entertain a NASCAR fan?
A: Pour a bag of Skittles in the toilet and flush.

Bugly’s Million Dollar Candle Idea

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Bugly had a plan to make scented candles with names like Baloney and Feet. Now Manterns has done stoled his idear.

Hot Wings

The smell of just deep fried hot wings smothered with wing sauce. The combination of butter and hot sauce is enough to drive you nuts. You’ll be on your way to Hooters 10 minutes after lighting this candle!

4th of July

The combination of gunpowder and sulfer gives this man candle the distinctive fireworks smell all guys appreciate. What man won’t love the scent of colorful explosions?

Tennis Ball Can

Who doesn’t love the scent of a freshly opened can of tennis balls? The perfect combination of rubber and flourescent yellow gives this candle that distinct smell any sports-lover will recognize.

Bonus! - Mandles

See also:
- My Other Million Dollar Music Idea
- My Million Dollar Medicine Delivery Idea
- Chris Range’s Million Dollar Yoga Idea
- Bugly’s Million Dollar Mexican Zombie Movie Idea
- My Million Dollar Italian-Cajun Restaurant Idea
- My Million Dollar BBQ Ribs Idea
- My Million Dollar Proctology Journal Idea
- My Million Dollar Museum Idea
- My Million Dollar Longhair/Parrothead Mashup Idea
- My Million Dollar Beer Name Idea
- My Million Dollar Rap Music Idea
- My Million Dollar Salad Dressing Idea
- My Million Dollar Restaurant Idea
- Teddy’s Million Dollar Doughnut Idea, and My Million Dollar Cell Phone Idea

Now to Work this into Conversation

Monday, November 12th, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

“As unpopular as an obstetrician with a ‘no fat chicks’ sign.”

A Nostalgic Lament from the Year 2020

Monday, October 22nd, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

“Do you remember when YouTube actually showed videos? Now it’s all reality TV shows and spring break specials.”

Greg Gutfeld on Seafood

Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Greg Gutfeld:

As a very busy and highly successful person in media, I’m often wined and dined at the most fashionable and expensive restaurants. Bennigans. Applebees. The Outback - home to the bloomin’ Onion - which is my nickname for Seth, the bartender there on Sundays. He has so many layers and sometimes he makes me cry. But when I’m out and about, I’m always told to order the seafood. “Try the Chilean sea bass- it’s sealicious!” “You must have the shark fin soup - it’s fincredible!” “Have you tried the prawns - they’re prawnderful!”

Look. I don’t eat seafood. Never have. Never will. I have my reasons. First, people say fish is good if it doesn’t smell “fishy.” I don’t say that about steak. “Hey at least it doesn’t smell steaky.” Fish stink because they come from the sea - which is a giant toilet. People pee in it. No one pees on cows, unless the cow has requested as much in a Craigslist ad. And shellfish are oversized insects. If they were smaller, they would be roaches. However, a tiny cow is basically a meat ball. And meat balls are delicious, because they’re essentially meat, in ball-form.”

When Star Wars Meets Country Music

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha, Star Wars | Permalink | 3 Comments |

If I was a country singer in search of a gimmick I’d wear a Darth Vader helmet and call myself Darth Brooks. Or maybe Garth Vader.

“You don’t know the power of the B side. I must obey my manager.”

“My new album is complete.”

“I find your lack of Faith Hill disturbing.”

“And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your rebel moonshine still.”

“I see you’ve constructed a new doghouse. Your carpentry skills are complete.”

Don’t miss his hit single “I’ve Got Friends in Low Orbit” from his album, “Ropin’ Mace Windu.”

Bonus! - If you play a Darth Brooks song backwards your hand regrows and you get your space station back.

Darth Brooks or Garth Vader?

See also:
- Elvis + Star Wars = Elvistrooper
- Luke Skywalker: a One-man Play Performed by Cletis
- “Bloggin’ Tradition” by Hank.blogspot.com

How Do the The View’s Viewers View the The View’s Views of Michael Vick?

Monday, September 10th, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

The link is just an excuse for the headline.

I’ll Bet Triticale Knows the Answer

Sunday, September 2nd, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha, Polls | Permalink | 1 Comment |

If a competitor’s new, improved loom threatens to put my textile factory out of business, would that be a looming threat or a threatening loom?

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And He’s a Doctor

Tuesday, August 28th, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Aunt B. got married!

NASA’s “Bottle to Throttle” Rule

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 5 Comments |

By now you’ve heard about the drunk astronauts. They broke NASA’s 12 hour “bottle to throttle” rule. Treacher is glad there isn’t a 12 hour “grog to blog” rule. And I’m sure Stephen Green is, too.

That got me thinking about some other 12 hour rules.

Volkswagen mechanics should consider the 12 hour Sangria to Kharmen Ghia Rule.

Kentucky Moslems could have a 12 hour Bourbon to Turban Rule

When Andy Kaufman was on “Taxi” ABC might have imposed a 12 hour Vodka to Latka Rule.

Others? Post in comments.

Norm McDonald YouTubeFest

Friday, July 27th, 2007 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Tony M. and Jay and I were talking about Norm McDonald last night, so I looked up some of his clips on YouTube.

Norm as Burt Reynolds/Turd Ferguson on Celebrity Jeopardy:

Norm on Weekend Update:

Norm as Dave Letterman (brief):

NSFW clip below the fold.

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