Les Jones

Things I would never have thought would sell: Bass fishing video games

Sunday, June 21st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

“So, what, you fish for the bass with machine guns and bazookas?”

“Nope. Just plugs and spinnerbait and such.”

“Not even car batteries or dynamite?”

“Neh. Most times a plastic worm and a slow retrieval are your best friends.”

“Huh.”

Tags: conversations

Name for a morning radio show

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

If I ever need a fake drive-time radio show for a story I’ll have it hosted by DJs named Morning Breath and Bedhead and call it “Wake Up with Morning Breath and Bedhead.”

Judgement reached in Dingleberry v. Quaker Oats

Thursday, June 4th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Judge dismisses lawsuit by woman who thought Crunch Berries were an actual fruit.

Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union needs a jingle

Thursday, June 4th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

My wife and I have one of our bank accounts at Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union. One little perk is that they have a coin-counting machine that doesn’t skim anything off of the top.

Anyway I was thinking about it. I work in Knoxville, but we don’t live there. And we’ve never worked for TVA. And right now my wife isn’t employed. And I don’t need any more credit. And we’ve never belonged to a union.

I’ll bet lots of people think Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union isn’t for them, so I wrote I jingle.

Have you thought about joining?
Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union
Because we’d like to have you
Even if you don’t live in Knoxville
and you’re not a TVA employee
Even if you have bad credit
And you’re not in a union
Try Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union!

Mother’s Day gift FAIL

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Hey June Cleaver wanna shave the beaver?

“Too bad your dad and I didn’t have some of those on prom night, ya little bastard.”

I thought of an awesome screen name for an Internet detective novel forum

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Wikipedia Brown.

• I thought of an awesome Mexican wrestler name
• I thought of an awesome Twitter name
• I Thought of an Awesome Video Game Screenname
• I Thought of an Awesome Robot Name

Two arrested in YouTube Domino’s Pizza gross-out

Thursday, April 16th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

New York Times - Video Prank at Domino’s Taints Brand:

When two Domino’s Pizza employees filmed a prank in the restaurant’s kitchen, they decided to post it online. In a few days, thanks to the power of social media, they ended up with felony charges, more than a million disgusted viewers, and a major company facing a public relations crisis.

In videos posted on YouTube and elsewhere this week, a Domino’s employee in Conover, N.C., prepared sandwiches for delivery while putting cheese up his nose, nasal mucus on the sandwiches, and violating other health-code standards while a fellow employee provided narration.

The two were charged with delivering prohibited foods.

Consumerist helped break the story and has the videos. Their readers identified the Domino’s store in the video.

Tags: videotaping our crime was our best idea ever, youtube

And the Nobel prize for t-shirts goes to…

Monday, April 6th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

T-shirts for hairy-chested men.

And Father’s Day is right around the corner.

Nobel prize in female problems science announced

Friday, April 3rd, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Onion: Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There.

The guy who wrote that story should get over his anxiety about lady parts by reading my sex-ed book.

Take my first lady. Please.

Saturday, March 21st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

You thought the Special Olympics joke on Leno was bad? Jim Treacher has Obama the Insult Comic President’s blooper reel.

“Thanks for having me on the show, Jay. You seem like a pretty nice guy… for an Italian. [Tony Soprano impersonation] Ayyyy! Fuggetaboutit!”

“I stopped by Hollywood earlier. Or as I call it, Little Israel. I dropped a penny on the sidewalk and lost 3 Secret Service guys.”

LATER: Joe Biden is trying to break into comedy, too.

“I am the experienced veteran,” Biden said at the dinner, the Politico reported. Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel “can be an enforcer, and Tim Geithner is always there when you need to borrow money - “no questions asked.”

Obama was the first president since Grover Cleveland to skip the dinner, an annual opportunity for Beltway bigshots to lampoon each other.

“[Obama] can’t be here tonight, because he’s busy getting ready for Easter,” Biden said. Speaking in a whisper, he added, “He thinks it’s about him.”

Tags: obama

I thought of an awesome Mexican wrestler name

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Terror del Fuego.

Previously

• I thought of an awesome Twitter name
• I Thought of an Awesome Video Game Screenname
• I Thought of an Awesome Robot Name

I know two people whose IQ is lower than mine

Thursday, February 5th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 4 Comments |

Jessica Simpson and whoever wrote this ad.

On Facebook friend counts

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Anyone who has fewer Facebook friends than me is an anti-social psychopathic shut-in with body odor.

Anyone who has more Facebook friends than me is a big giant phony who doesn’t know the difference between true friends and people whose names you’ve heard shouted over the music in a bar.

Anyone who has the same number of friends as me must be pretty cool.

By the way, let’s be friends on Facebook.

Previously

• Personal Affirmation of My Self Worth

Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan

Monday, December 29th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

So, yeah. Assassins usually have three names. Lee Harvey Oswald. John Wilkes Booth.

But not Sirhan Sirhan. I wonder why don’t people use his third name, which you would assume is also Sirhan.

“Did you hear? Somebody just killed Bobby Kennedy. Guy named Sirhan Sirhan.”

“You mean Sirhan Walter Sirhan down at the steel plant?”

“No, I mean Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan from the university, ya dope.”

“Oh, him.”

I guess technically Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan would just be one name cubed.

And anyway his middle name is Bishara.

My million dollar watermelon idea

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

I’m going to sell seedless watermelon seeds. The package will cost five dollars and there won’t be anything in it.

Attempting to avert financial disaster, George Bush adds PayPal button to WhiteHouse.gov Web site

Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Americans who feel their $700 billion contribution isn’t enough now have another way to show they care. On Sunday evening George Bush added a PayPal button to the WhiteHouse.gov Web site. With a mouseclick citizens can hit the tipjars of Lehman Brothers, Countrywide Mortgage, and other financially-distressed investment houses.

Taxpayers who contribute $100 or more will receive a commemorative FINANCIAL DO-OVER 2008 tote bag. “As a country we’ve forgotten the importance of saving,” said Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke. “For God’s sake let’s not forget the importance of toting.”

On Tuesday Bush plans to add an Amazon store and Google Adsense. “TWO PERCENT of every book or DVD you purchase through the Amazon links directly offsets someone’s no-money down subprime mortgage!!!” the president gushed on his blog. The two-term U.S. commander in chief said he got the idea while instant messaging with Italian foreign minister Franco Frattini.

My million dollar Rice-a-Roni idea

Thursday, September 18th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

So back in the Seventies the parting gift on some game shows was a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, “The San Francisco Treat.”

Rice-a-Roni should come out with a new flavor called Lifetime Supply so you could buy one box and have a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni.

Also, Lifetime Supply would be a great name for a band’s greatest hits collection.

Tags: million dollar ideas

“Bulletproof Style Vest”

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 6 Comments |

From an ad on me very own blog.

Previously:
- Words that make you stupider when you say them
- Pizza Hut’s “Hand-tossed Style Pizza”

My million dollar lipstick idea

Thursday, September 11th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Someone needs to come out with a shade of lipstick called Hockey Mom Pink.

Tags: million dollar ideas

Headlines from the year 1849

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Denim: The New Mining Age Miracle Fabric

Move over, Wikipedia

Thursday, September 4th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Uncyclopedia is in town. From the Captain Crunch entry:

Captain Horatio Magellan Figaro Crunch (born “Horshak Khrunč II”, after his wookie Mother) is, without a doubt, the most feared pirate in all of naval history. Sometimes confused with other noted buccaneers such as Your Mom, Benny the Tulip, John Draper, McFall and Mark Twain, this is due mostly to these lesser swashbucklers taking credit for Crunch’s exploits that were overheard in many a dockside whorehouse.He is a known terror to all Seven Seas, most of the oceans, a few rivers, and even a couple of log flume rides. Skilled in the use of both cutlass and pistol, as well as breakfast cereal, few privateers would even think to tangle with the Captain of the S.S. Guppy these days, especially after Crunch’s last rival, Jean LaFoote, was marooned on a Soggie infested island with pistol, powder and only one shot.

Contrary to popular belief, Cap’n Crunch is not a real captain, but actually one rank lower, at Cap’n, which should be pronounced /kapmmm/.

It’s authoritatively funny.

Johnny Four Fingers

Tuesday, August 5th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

THE SCENE: Police headquarters. A black and white slideshow in a smoky briefing room

CHIEF: That’s Sammy One Eye. You all know him. That guy next to him is new. He’s a bagman for the Gambino crime family. Our guy on the inside says his name is Johnny Four Fingers.
ROOKIE: Chief, when you say four fingers, I assume he has four fingers on one hand and the normal number on the other?
CHIEF: Don’t assume anything, kid. For all we know he has exactly four fingers on each hand.
SERGEANT: I dunno, chief. Some of those guys are in pretty bad shape. Could be he only has four fingers total.
ROOKIE: Or maybe he has three fingers on one hand and five on the other, so four fingers is an average.
CHIEF: Maybe he’s fucking Mexican and that’s how much tequila he likes in his fucking Margarita! Watch the fucking slideshow!
SERGEANT: Right, chief.

See also:
- If I Ever Write a Comedy With Mobsters…
- A Good Character Name
- Scene for a Comedy
- Detail for a Buddy Comedy
- Throwaway Line
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember
- Vignette for a Yuppie Dumbass

Words That Are Funny

Friday, July 18th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Quaalude. Quaalude is a word that is funny.

If I Ever Write a Comedy With Mobsters…

Thursday, June 19th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

I’ll name one of them Johnny Correct Number of Fingers.

See also:
- A Good Character Name
- Scene for a Comedy
- Detail for a Buddy Comedy
- Throwaway Line
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember
- Vignette for a Yuppie Dumbass

A Good Character Name

Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

If I ever write a book with a really unattractive character I think I’ll name him Heinous Cringeworthy.

See also:
- Scene for a Comedy
- Detail for a Buddy Comedy
- Throwaway Line
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember
- Vignette for a Yuppie Dumbass