Voice-activated Table

Have I shown you my voice-activate table? What's a voice-activated table? Hold these books and I'll show you.

Made with Meat Builder.

Hillary’s First Act as President would be to Raise White House Thermostat to 75 Degrees

Potential headline for ‪#‎TheOnion‬ – Hillary’s First Act as President would be to Raise White House Thermostat to 75 Degrees.

“Bill used to keep the thermostat at 68. I was meeting foreign dignitaries wearing socks on my hands,” says the Democratic candidate for president. “If I win the election, God willing, I will set that thermostat at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue so damned high Bill will sweat his cheating oysters off.”

She elaborated, “It will be like an oven in a blast furnace in an inferno in hell.”

The former Secretary of State says that raising the first home’s thermostat would be a victory not just for her, but for all women who have fought their husbands over the temperature. “Men need to understand that you’re just naturally colder when you’re woman a like me. And also if you’re very, very old like me.”

Oniony – Potential Onion Headline

Area Man Would Have Picked Different Hobby if He Had Known How Expensive Making Babies is

Oniony – Potential Onion Headline

Hipster Appalled at Cost of Feeding Family of Four at Starbucks

Reje-X-men Profile #1 – Captain Above Average American

Reje-X-men profiles applicants who weren’t accepted to Charles Xavier’s elite team of mutant superheroes.

Reje-X-men Profile #1 – Captain Above Average American

CHARLES XAVIER
What powers do you possess that your average countryman does not?

CAPTAIN ABOVE AVERAGE AMERICAN
My mutant DNA gives me two powers the statistically average American does not have. The first power is tallness. I am 6 feet 8 inches tall. That makes me three standard deviations taller than the average American male.

CHARLES XAVIER
Intriguing. And what other power do you have that most Americans do not?

CAPTAIN ABOVE AVERAGE AMERICAN
I know what a standard deviation is.

Potential Onion Headline

Potential Onion headline: Google Maps Blamed for Rising Unemployment Among People Who are Good at Giving Directions

Oniony – Local Band Led Zeppelin Unaware Another Band Already Had That Name

High school senior Connor McHenry had just received the UPS delivery for his band, Led Zeppelin, when his friend came over for X-Box. “My buddy Paul looked at the Led Zeppelin t-shirts and was like, I think there’s another band with that name. They were this ancient British band that literally sold millions of records out of their pickup truck at sockhops and discos all around the country.”

McHenry hit the history books to learn more about his band’s namesake. “They were basically a J.R.R. Tolkien tribute band. So for example, ‘Ramble On’ is about Frodo’s journey and ‘Babe I’m Gonna Leave You’ is about Tolkien firing his literary agent.”

“They’re fossils now, but they were definitely ahead of their time,” McHenry says with admiration. “Timmy Page was the first person to play an electric guitar and Robert Planet was an openly hippie transsexual. This was before Roe vs. Wade, so you can imagine the discrimination he endured.” He says wistfully that he would have liked to see the old farts perform, but that “they all died in a scarlet fever epidemic.”

The Chesterfield High band has gotten a lot of ribbing from classmates who remembered hearing about the heavy metal dinosaurs from their grandparents. It’s mostly good-natured, but Zep bassist Scot Bhatnagar feels that some people are pushing their buttons a little too hard. “They act like we’re drooling morons who didn’t learn our ABCs,” says Bhatnagar, who plays on the football team. “We can’t be expected to know about this stupid swing band from the 1940s.”

The world’s second funniest knock knock joke

At SayUncle’s.

Speaking of jokes that don’t translate well when written, there’s my mom’s old joke…

Don’t eat at that woman’s house. She cooks carrots and peas in the same pot.

The Only Funny Knock Knock Joke

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient c
Moo

Hillary Clinton Doesn’t Have an Enemies List meme

Hillary-Clinton-Enemies-Database

And Now, Deep Thoughts

Deep-Thoughts-10-Story-Building-3

 

I realized that words are funnier when you put them in a meme, so I started making memes.

Printer. My old foe. We meet again.

“Printer not found on network” is the new PC LOAD LETTER ERROR.

Are you old enough to remember Simon, the electronic memory game?

Are you old enough to remember Simon, the electronic memory game? It turns out it’s older than you and me.

screenshot-www.amazon.com 2015-08-14 23-51-15

Future Nostalgia for Today’s Middle School Kids

I needed to print something

I needed to print something. I fought the printer for 10 minutes, doffed my hat to the victorious output device, then quit the field of battle.