Les Jones

Did someone slip me a crazy pill or did Obama just win the Nobel Peace Prize?

Friday, October 9th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha, Politics | Permalink | No Comments |

Did you think it was April Fool’s Day when you heard Obama had won the Nobel Peace Prize? I mean, he’s been president for less than a year and hasn’t done anything, right? Iraq, Afghanistan, Gitmo … same same.

I’m thinking maybe The Onion bought CNN in a leveraged buyout and is just pulling our leg. That at least would make sense.

Well, get ready to take some more crazy pills.

The stunning choice made Obama the third sitting U.S. president to win the Nobel Peace Prize and shocked Nobel observers because Obama took office less than two weeks before the Feb. 1 nomination deadline.

Two whole weeks? I reckon he deserves it for his journeyman work during his long tenure. It’s like a gold watch for the underperformer who’s put in 50 years of hard work. Sure, maybe Obama wasn’t a rockstar performer like Yassir Arafat or Henry Kissinger, but you’ve got to give it to him for sticking it out for 14 grueling days. For the peace.

Michelle Obama was quoted as saying, “For the first time in my adult life I’m proud of Norway.”

Bonus! Time magazine’s Mark Halperin rates Obama’s presidency to date. His grade? A-. Because unemployment is only 9.8% and the deficit is only $1.4 trillion. With those kind of numbers sainthood is right around the corner. Do you need some water to wash down those pills?

Tags: obama, youtube

On the Internet no one knows you’re a dog until you upload the video of you licking your own butt to YouTube

Monday, October 5th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

Second Pranknet Member Arrested:

Prank caller James Tyler Markle “convinced a McDonald’s worker to set off the restaurant’s fire suppression system, which released a liquid from overhead extinguishers… and directed the worker to break the store’s windows ‘for ventilation.’”

Then he bragged about it on Pranknet and got tracked down by the authorities.

Five Everett bikini baristas charged with prostitution:

Investigators saw the women expose their crotches, lick whipped cream off their co-workers’ private parts and pose naked for pictures inside the Grab-n-Go Espresso stand at 8015 Broadway, according to police reports obtained by The Herald on Wednesday.

Detectives also witnessed some of the women charging customers to touch their bare breasts and naked buttocks. Touching of that kind, for pay, falls under the city’s definition of prostitution.

Don’t put pics/video of you doing illegal stuff on the Internet:

One Waukesha County man is guilty and another awaiting court action in what the Wisconsin DNR Law Enforcement Division is calling its first arrest based upon a Facebook video of illegal deer shining spotted by an anonymous tipster.

Tags: facebook, videotaping our crime was our best idea ever, youtube

My million dollar Montana state song idea

Monday, September 28th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

I’m gonna call it “I Like Big Buttes and I Cannot Lie.”

Tags: million dollar ideas

Social media madness

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 | Blogging, Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Hat tip to Cloud Ave.

Bonus!

Tags: twitter

CSI, Uterus

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

The Onion - Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama’s Placenta:

“All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over,” said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. “To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official.”

Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page - The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

Monday, September 7th, 2009 | Comic Books, Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Seanbaby’s Superfriends Page. So awesome.

Apache Chief:

It’s insulting enough that they made Apache Chief a complete idiot, but I’m surprised they didn’t have him selling fireworks out the back of the Hall of Justice. I guess they thought pausing four minutes between each word was Indian enough. Now that I mention it, I don’t think he was Apache or a chief. His name doesn’t make any damn sense. That’s like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him “Minnesota President.”

And now that I look at his bad tan, he might not even be an Indian. He’s the same color as my neighbor’s cat when I shave it. The Super Friends probably just found a growing guy, dressed him up in a Halloween costume, and hit him in the head until he sounded like Tanto. Yeah, sorry about that guy too, Native Americans.

Wonder Woman:

She gets a lot of crap for her star panties even though everyone on her team wears pretty much the same outfit. It’s like every superhero went swimming one morning and said, “Shit, guys. We don’t have to go home and change! We could just go fight crime like this.” I guess it does look a little bit cheap on Wonder Woman, though. Samurai’s only wearing bloomers and gogo boots too, but he’s from Japan, and there’s that insane cultural gap. We’re lucky he’s not wearing dead fish and a pink cowboy hat. Maybe this is another gender double standard like how boys can have sex with girls without being called lesbians, but Wonder Woman should have at least put on a skirt.”

Black Vulcan:

In the seventies, when you were black, your super hero name needed to remind us. If Captain America was black, he wouldn’t have been a captain. They would have called him Blackman America and he would have only fought crime in discos. Black Manta was just “Manta” for a few seasons before the writers found out the guy in the middle of the submarine wreckage was black.

The white Super Friends all had names that described their powers. Aquaman, Batman, Hawkman, Flash… you kind of had an idea what their powers were even before they announced them outloud every time they used them. But anyone ethnic got named after the country they’re from or what color they were. If Apache Chief was white, he’d be Grow Man or Large Lad. And Samurai? He wasn’t a Samurai. That doesn’t mean anything, it’s just the only Japanese word they knew. It’s like naming Batman “Cowboy” or naming Green Lantern “Baseball Player.” They named the Mexican Super Friend “El Dorado.” That was a city made out of gold. Yeah, it sounds Mexican, but it’s nonsense. If the Super Friends hired a Swiss guy, you know they’d name him Hot Chocolate. If a black guy hadn’t already taken it, of course.

Dirty word alert.

Continue reading the rest of this post right here ›››

Two great names that go great together

Saturday, August 29th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Charity Beaver.

Alleged libeller outed by alleged skank

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009 | Blogging, Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Robert X. Cringely - Skanks for nothing: Google must identify ‘anonymous’ blogger.

Yesterday a U.S. federal judge ruled that Google must turn over the name of an anonymous blogger who took a severe disliking to aging supermodel Liskula Cohen. The ripples emanating from the ruling could potentially wash over every member of the blogosphere (including those who delight in anonymously depositing nasty comments on blogs — you know who you are).

The backstory: In August 2008, some soon-to-not-be-anonymous blogger (STNBAB) created a Google blog called “Skanks in NYC” (no longer available, but archived at Mahalo). The sole topic of this short-lived blog: Liskula Cohen, a zygomatically gifted Canuck who has graced the covers of Vogue, Elle, and other magazines probably not in the bathrooms of most InfoWorld readers.

Among other things, the STNBAB called Cohen “a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank.” He (she?) also called Cohen “an old hag.” I bet that’s the one that really stung.

Ya know, I can’t help but think that “skank” is going to follow Liskula Cohen around for the rest of her life, all because she sicced her attorney on somebody’s little blog. That’s a little thing I like to call justice.

Bonus! - Cracked’s “How to Slander Online Now That Google Won’t Protect You”:

Guideline #2: The public has an interest in knowing these facts.
The “truth” defense doesn’t always work though. Often courts will demand that there be a “public interest” in you disseminating whatever facts you’re trying to spread. For example, if Trevor Moore of Greenden, Ohio was a threat to young boys and farm animals, which he is, then I could claim my column was a justifiable method of informing the people and livestock of Greenden, Ohio about the threat living in their midst, and also driving around in a blue Toyota Tercel in their midst.

Tags: allegedly

Cash for Clunkers - catchiest government program name ever

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

“Cash for Clunkers.” It’s zingy and fresh and just like “you’ve got your peanut butter in my chocolate” it’s inspiring imitators.

Via Tam, Cash for Codgers:

Have a gall bladder that needs to be removed? Stop on by the local clinic- and bring Aunt Edna with you. Doctors will pound some digitalis down her to destroy her internal organs so there won’t be any likelihood of her coming back around to bug you. And you’ll feel so much better, having had your Gall bladder repaired while subtracting an aging consumer from our medical welfare rolls!

Reason’s got a million of ‘em:

We could enjoy “bucks for bungalows” to re-inflate housing; “shekels for stereos” to get the electronics business zapping; “moolah for motorboats” to get our seas swelling with the sweet sound of economic growth.

Let’s revive America’s crumbling kitchen and bathroom infrastructure and stimulate the flooring industry with Simoleons for Linoleum.

StudentDoctor.net - The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

Friday, July 31st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 2 Comments |

And especially the Emergency Room forum thread Things I learned from my patients:

• Never, ever leave flashlights, shampoo bottles, beer bottles or any long, circular object on the floor because someday you will fall on it and it will, somehow, work its way up your rectum.
• Always wait until finishing your woodwork with the skillsaw prior to using your meth.
• Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.
• One thing I’ve learned from 3 EM rotations is: Stay away from people named “Some Guy” or “This One Dude”, because they for whatever reason just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off.
• Claiming that you are allergic to Tylenol, Asprin, Ibuprofin, and Aleve while asking for morphine is the fastest way to make friends with all of the docs in the hospital.
• Never leave your last refill of percocet in plain site after your docs office closes if one of these 3 friends is coming over for dinner: 1. some dude, 2. my friend, 3. that bitch
• if the two dudes live in YOUR city, don’t sit out on your front porch reading the bible and minding your own business at 2 AM unless you are praying to be shot.
• Oh if you come in with a salsa jar in your rectum, don’t give the staff a fruit cake as a thank you present.
• Well another professor of life came through last night and bestowed some wisdom on me which I’ll share. No matter how annoyed you are at being incarcerated don’t slash open your scrotum and shove razor blades up your urethra. Now I know, who among us hasn’t thought wistfully of doing that but it turns out that it’s not a good idea.
• If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first…..and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina…..then, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removaL
• If you own a horse named thunder, flash, psycho, or reaper, do not get within 20 feet, and don’t even think of just taking them for a quick ride.
• Just because the knut fits around your penis when you are not erect, it doesn’t mean it will fit when you are.
• The Law of Inverse Value: the less you contribute to society, the greater the trauma you can sustain with minimal to no physical sequelae, including falls from 3 stories, stabbings (chest, neck, head, slashings to the face), gunshot wounds (chest, neck, pelvis, leg, traumatic arrest (only to be killed 7 years later in a separate GSW incident)), and high speed MVC’s, unrestrained, where multiple people in the other vehicle are killed.
• Always pay your drug dealer! Bad things happen when you don’t pay.
• Similarly, if you’re 90 and gonna get a hooker, pay up…amazingly, the slash through-and-through both esophagus and trachea along with at-the-door full arrest was survived and he went home trached, never to speak or eat again…hope she was worth it.
• One of our guys does a lot of work with crotalid envenomations, and said that his estimate is about 90% of snakebites involve a victim with some degree of inebriation. I think you might need to be if you want to kiss a snake that could kill you.
• Haven’t you heard of the 5 Ts for snake bites? Curiously, works for trauma, too.

• Toothlessness
• Tattoos
• pickup TRUCK
• inTOXicated
• Testicles

Previously:

• Cover Browser - the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet
• Nemesisboy - the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet
• Mirrordot - the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet
• Leia’s Metal Bikini - The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

I’ve got good news and bad news

Tuesday, July 21st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

The good news is there’s a stag beetle genus called Dorcus.

The bad news is there’s no Dorcus malorkus.

I now understand the genius that is Tad Kochschwinger

Friday, July 17th, 2009 | Blogging, Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

After posting this I actually read Tad Kochschwinger’s Twitter feed. Now I think he’s a genius of Twittery obnoxiousness:

• Bad start to the day. The Segway caught a flat on the way to Starbucks.
• People don’t just love me because I’m a social media rock star. They love me because I inspire them to be more like me.
• Does anyone know how to get Maximuscle protein shake out of the upholstery of a Tesla Roadster?
• I bought myself a World’s Best Dad T-shirt. The twins are too young to understand what it means but I’m sure they’d want me to have it.
• The people who say I’m arrogant and shallow don’t see me when I’m at home with my wife. Did I mention that she’s a former swimsuit model?

Tags: twitter

Star Trek: The Abridged Script

Wednesday, July 15th, 2009 | A&E, Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

is up at The Editing Room:

Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.

ERIC BANA
I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.

FARAN TAHIR
Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we’re doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I’ll go ahead and comply.

He DOES, and ERIC kills him.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH
Alright, that makes me captain. Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE
Chris, no! You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.

Bonus! Abridged Scripts for Watchmen, Terminator Salvation, and X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Flintstones, meet the Flintstones

Thursday, July 9th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Fun for the whole family.

Things I would never have thought would sell: Bass fishing video games

Sunday, June 21st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

“So, what, you fish for the bass with machine guns and bazookas?”

“Nope. Just plugs and spinnerbait and such.”

“Not even car batteries or dynamite?”

“Neh. Most times a plastic worm and a slow retrieval are your best friends.”

“Huh.”

Tags: conversations

Name for a morning radio show

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

If I ever need a fake drive-time radio show for a story I’ll have it hosted by DJs named Morning Breath and Bedhead and call it “Wake Up with Morning Breath and Bedhead.”

Judgement reached in Dingleberry v. Quaker Oats

Thursday, June 4th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Judge dismisses lawsuit by woman who thought Crunch Berries were an actual fruit.

Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union needs a jingle

Thursday, June 4th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

My wife and I have one of our bank accounts at Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union. One little perk is that they have a coin-counting machine that doesn’t skim anything off of the top.

Anyway I was thinking about it. I work in Knoxville, but we don’t live there. And we’ve never worked for TVA. And right now my wife isn’t employed. And I don’t need any more credit. And we’ve never belonged to a union.

I’ll bet lots of people think Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union isn’t for them, so I wrote I jingle.

Have you thought about joining?
Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union
Because we’d like to have you
Even if you don’t live in Knoxville
and you’re not a TVA employee
Even if you have bad credit
And you’re not in a union
Try Knoxville TVA Employee Credit Union!

Mother’s Day gift FAIL

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Hey June Cleaver wanna shave the beaver?

“Too bad your dad and I didn’t have some of those on prom night, ya little bastard.”

I thought of an awesome screen name for an Internet detective novel forum

Sunday, May 3rd, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

Wikipedia Brown.

• I thought of an awesome Mexican wrestler name
• I thought of an awesome Twitter name
• I Thought of an Awesome Video Game Screenname
• I Thought of an Awesome Robot Name

Two arrested in YouTube Domino’s Pizza gross-out

Thursday, April 16th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

New York Times - Video Prank at Domino’s Taints Brand:

When two Domino’s Pizza employees filmed a prank in the restaurant’s kitchen, they decided to post it online. In a few days, thanks to the power of social media, they ended up with felony charges, more than a million disgusted viewers, and a major company facing a public relations crisis.

In videos posted on YouTube and elsewhere this week, a Domino’s employee in Conover, N.C., prepared sandwiches for delivery while putting cheese up his nose, nasal mucus on the sandwiches, and violating other health-code standards while a fellow employee provided narration.

The two were charged with delivering prohibited foods.

Consumerist helped break the story and has the videos. Their readers identified the Domino’s store in the video.

Tags: videotaping our crime was our best idea ever, youtube

And the Nobel prize for t-shirts goes to…

Monday, April 6th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

T-shirts for hairy-chested men.

And Father’s Day is right around the corner.

Nobel prize in female problems science announced

Friday, April 3rd, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Onion: Renowned Hoo-Ha Doctor Wins Nobel Prize For Medical Advancements Down There.

The guy who wrote that story should get over his anxiety about lady parts by reading my sex-ed book.

Take my first lady. Please.

Saturday, March 21st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

You thought the Special Olympics joke on Leno was bad? Jim Treacher has Obama the Insult Comic President’s blooper reel.

“Thanks for having me on the show, Jay. You seem like a pretty nice guy… for an Italian. [Tony Soprano impersonation] Ayyyy! Fuggetaboutit!”

“I stopped by Hollywood earlier. Or as I call it, Little Israel. I dropped a penny on the sidewalk and lost 3 Secret Service guys.”

LATER: Joe Biden is trying to break into comedy, too.

“I am the experienced veteran,” Biden said at the dinner, the Politico reported. Obama chief of staff Rahm Emanuel “can be an enforcer, and Tim Geithner is always there when you need to borrow money - “no questions asked.”

Obama was the first president since Grover Cleveland to skip the dinner, an annual opportunity for Beltway bigshots to lampoon each other.

“[Obama] can’t be here tonight, because he’s busy getting ready for Easter,” Biden said. Speaking in a whisper, he added, “He thinks it’s about him.”

Tags: obama

I thought of an awesome Mexican wrestler name

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Terror del Fuego.

Previously

• I thought of an awesome Twitter name
• I Thought of an Awesome Video Game Screenname
• I Thought of an Awesome Robot Name