Les Jones: Baby Names

October 06, 2003

Funny Ha-Ha > Baby Names

So Melissa and I are talking about a family, so we're thinking about baby name. This Plastic thread has all of the latest in child-abusing nomen.

I didn't realize that people were actually naming their kids Timberland and Lexus. Though now that I think of it, there was a young lady named Mercedes at the club the night of my bachelor party. And "ladies named Mercedes" would be the start of a good limerick.

Here's the advice we've gotten:

- Don't use an uncommon spelling of a common name. People will reflexively hate your kid for making them learn a new spelling. "My name is David. That's spelled S-T-E-V-E." Hard to spell names will haunt your kid every time they get a new teacher, start a new job, or make a new acquaintance.
- Don't give your daughter a stripper name - Brandi, Candi, Bambi, Tiffany, etc. If you're not famliar with current stripper names, it may be time for field research.
- Don't name your son Scott or Mark. The world has plenty, thanks. You can also visit the Social Security baby name report for currently-popular names and avoid using any of them.

Confused? Just visit the Modern Humorist and use their Baby Name Generator:

Trendy
There's nothing more Trendy than a child. Anybody who says otherwise has obviously never met your son.
Xenophobia
Xenophobia is a powerful human phenomenon that deserves wide-spread attention. Wouldn't you say the same of your child?

Zebrew
If you're Jewish and your baby is a zebra, why not make the best of an admittedly difficult situation?

Posted by lesjones

Comments

I like to think of my son's nickname as "distinctive".

But yeah, I guess it's weird. He's pretty much stuck with it though, since I freakin' hate Alex, and Alexander is just way too long and pretentious. Looking back, though, I'd probably name him something different, since's he's going to be condemned to a lifetime of introductions that start with "no, not Sam/Dan. Zan. With a Z. As in 'Alexander'" I'm already sick of it.

At least we didn't go with one of Terri's suggestion -- Eskie Eugene (Eskie was her grandfather's name, and Eugene is my middle name. Eskie did have a way cool nickname, though -- Ek.)

As if the names alone wouldn't have condemned him to a childhood of daily beatings at school, his initials would have been EEK. So my advice to you -- pay attention to initials.

My favorite awful name:
Our manager at TVA showed us a clipping from the paper in his hometown (Chester County, I think), about a kid he knew who had just been arrested. The name -- Stirfoam Yantzee. I kid you not. Say it with a Chester County accent. Yikes.

Posted by: steve at October 06, 2003

That reminds me of another of our criteria for a good name: it should have a good nickname. Charles (Melissa's dad's name) would be OK, but the only nicknames are Chas (too snooty) and Chuck (as in What's up Chuck?). I guess Charlie's OK, though.

And if you name your kid Richard, don't let people call him Dick. Remember the SNL skit about Dick Army and Vagina Coast Guard?

Posted by: Les Jones at October 06, 2003

THat Dick army and Vagina coast guard was a rip off. NO seriously it was. Who here watches Family Guy?

Posted by: Steve at December 28, 2004

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Posted by: overpriced web company at January 20, 2005

Funny thing . . . the wife and I actually agreed on names for our twin girls while chatting on skype!

Posted by: Jacksonville Web Design at May 19, 2008