Les Jones

Funny Ha-Ha > Helping Cure Potty Mouth One Blogger at a Time

Rocket Jones (no relation) got in trouble at work for saying that "the system goes down more than Linda Lovelace." SayUncle says that his CEO looks at him funny when he says "you can't polish a turd."

I've got potty mouth, too, but I've learned polite versions of some of my favorites.

R-rated: You can't polish a turd.
G-rated: You can't polish a rotten apple.

R-rated: He's happy as a pig in sh!t
G-rated: He's happy as a pig in a shirt.

The best part is, people who know the real version will still know what you mean.

LATER: Uncle responded to this post, and recalls a former manager who used G-rated terms that were one-for-one substitutes for good old-fashioned swearing:

When something happened, he'd say Gosh darn it or refer to someone as a son of a biscuit. And my personal favorites were freak and fudge. I did a lot of freaking and fudging up, apparently.

Which is pretty lame. It's like watching an R-rated movie that's been cut for broadcast TV.

Another expression I remember is substituing "sheee-ite Muslim" for sh!t, but not everyone can pull it off. You have to be able to speak redneck for it to work.