Les Jones

Pick a cliche about hindsight and you can apply it to my dating days. I was convinced at the time that some people had a date magnet and that I couldn't attract a paper clip. Looking back I realize that there were girls - pretty girls - that I totally ignored because they were just a bit *too* available. Some kind of radar in the back of my head said "This girl is too eager. You're gonna marry her and then she'll sit on her keister for the next 30 years." Girls have one kind of saavy, guys have another. I know it probably isn't politically correct to say so, but neither gender wants a lazy or needy partner.

The girls I remember as fun dates or as interesting people were the ones who were a little hard to get. My wife has confessed a lack of confidence in attracting boys in those days. But with 14 years gone by we can be a bit more honest. She had guys chasing her like any other gal and I don't think she treated any of them better than me. Plenty of times what I thought was romantic got me closed down. Once when I got off night shift I stood outside her window and tossed little pebbles at the shutters.

She came to the window and said "I'm sleeping. Go away." and slapped the window and shutters closed.

Sometimes I still get that - heh heh. Even after you're married, you still have to chase her a bit.

I used the rules and it allowed me to attract and and marry a wonderful man. They are not so much about "playing hard to get"... as about increasing self-esteem and decreasing manipulative impulses. Women often chase men who are not interested. They cling, fantasize, try to extend dates, make up reasons to call and essentially act like teenage girls. They develop crushes on men they hardly know and try to illicit love when there is no foundation. Many may seem geared to make a man chase, but they are really about making the woman put the brakes on *herself*.

I used to spend more time chasing people - than actually living my life or developing any skills. I used to dress and act masculine in order to compete in the world. The rules showed me that there is power and strength in feminity too... There's a great deal more, but hopefully these comments will help.

At the least, it is a compliment to you that she used a set of rules / etiquette / behaviors that brought you joy and comfort -- instead of the usual harraunging and pain that goes on in most relationships.

The Rules are great. So many people get completely the wrong idea about them and think it's for princessy types. Well yes, we want to be cherished and treated well but it's definitely NOT for spoilt madams. There are numerous examples through the the first book and the later "Rules for Marriage" which explicitly state that you should be cheerful and accepting of the place you are taken to on a date, settle for a small wedding instead of spending more than you can afford if your husband to be is keen to do that.

Never nag or badger a man.

If you are PMSing or something else is bothering you - deal with it don't take it out on your man.

It's also about keeping your appearance up. Of course your husband should still love you as you get old (as you will him) but there's no excuse to start looking like a baglady just because you're married. It's a rare woman who truly does not mind when she is hugely overweight, has greasy hair, bad skin and awful clothes. I've been there at times and it drags you down making you less able to get a handle on your life.

It's funny how people think The Rules are anti-feminist when they are actually about having a life, working hard at your career, finding your passions in life and pursuing them, not putting your life on hold for a man, holding out for what you want - "any" man will not do. Aren't these attributes feminists would approve of?

I am addicted to `The Rules`. I read it religiously. It is so empowering. It is not anti-feminism. I can put myself as the most important priority and the guy should love me for who I am. It allows women a lot of control over her ugly needs and insecurities. It is just great. Love it!

My sister who is married gave me the rules book several years ago and the very things I mock her for are in this book.
I think it is undeniably the most horrible thing ever written. And proven as such the three ladies are all divorced now that wrote it.
I will call you when I feel like calling you and I will have sex with you if I know what my own intentions are. My liking myself is not defined by a man or if he likes me.
Yes it is true that we all meet men and develop feelings for them that they may not feel for us as equally. But I am not going to play to get them to change their mind. MY MOTTO IS NEXT

I'm in my early 30s and have an active social life. I (unwittingly) dated a "Rules Girl" briefly in my mid-20s. She is slightly older, but about the same age.

We had been friends for years and had a wide circle in common. She is beautiful. We are both high-powered, outwardly successful people. The mutual attraction was overwhelming and the only question was why we had not gotten together sooner. Still, I felt very lucky, and I expressed as much.

To my amazement and heartbreak, our relationship was short (I enthusiastically ended it - she gave me an ultimatum...which I accepted) and heavy with bitterness. The friend I had once known vanished...replaced by...oh, it cannot be said politely. My heart breaks even today for our lost friendship, although I never regretted the breakup and have been much happier with my social life since (see below).

In my opinion, our relationship was ruined by her behavior as advised by this book. No doubt her opinion differs...such is the nature of failed relationships. To my secondhand knowledge, she has not had a serious boyfriend since... ...being, apparently, "way too good for everyone," just like this book tells women to act.

I learned that she was a "Rules Girl" only after the breakup. I discovered the book randomly, years ago when it was newer, through reading an article. Putting two and two together, I assumed she had to have owned this specific book to have treated me as poorly - and as *programatically poorly* - as she did. Later, I heard from friends that she indeed owns the book.

The book - although hilariously micromanagerial and pettifogging - isn't totally wrong. I treat women just as this book suggests that women demand/deserve to be treated if not better (I wouldn't have landed a "Rules Girl" if I didn't). And men should treat women very well. I have no objection to the high standard. What I won't abide is being treated in return as this book evidently tells the woman to treat me.

I prefer assertive, bright, active women. I like self-confidence. I prefer my girlfriend to have a strong identity apart from me. Whatever my faults as a boyfriend - we all have them - my girlfriend has enormous freedom to do just about anything she likes except physcially cheat. I am secure, trusting, and not-controlling, and also attentive and affectionate.

But I will not tolerate - why should I? - being disdained by my girlfriend. Also, my girlfriend - *once* she is my girlfriend - should not *ever* be "hard to get." Although I respect my girlfriend in all ways, once we are informally committed, I expect my girlfriend to be attracted to me and to really show it...or else, why bother?

A relationship is a two-way deal. Sure, I will pursue. I am happy to "do the work." It does not at all have to be an equal deal in *that* respect. But don't push me away or shut me out...unless you want me to get the message that you are haughty and obnoxious and cold, which plenty of "winner women" are absolutely not. Then, I'll go find someone else with a more welcoming countenance, more eager to have me. And she soon will.

Who is in a relationship to be ignored, dismissed, stonewalled, made to feel physically undesirable, subjected to an endless chase, and generally whipped and treated like ass? That is the opposite of why people form relationships. A man's needs are just as valid as a woman's and cannot be trivialized in a lasting commitment.

If this book is a how-to guide for how to land Mr. Right and get him to propose, I'm either missing something major, or my estimation of my male half of humanity is just way too high!

I learned my lesson - and my indirect experience with this book was a big catalyst. My subsequent partners reflect my devotion to "Pacific Power" - with an emphasis on "Manifest Destiny." I'm sure the authors would be appalled, would be just squirrel-cheeked with rage, but maybe I'll write my own self-help book...about the benefits of my pineapple diet.

I understand that "The Rules" tells women to hide the book from the boyfriend. I wish I had found it, because I would have sent just the right message by secretly replacing it with a canister of "Folger's Crystals."