Les Jones

Home Life > Best Thing You'll Ever Read About Baby Names

Diana Goodman's Baby's Named a Bad, Bad Thing is a high-larious criticque of bad names people have posted to baby name discussion boards. Once I started I couldn't stop reading until I had torn through the entire site.

Here's the positive advice from the FAQ:

• Generally avoid nouns. You're asking for trouble.
• Do a Google search for your name ideas. If all you get are porn sites, white supremicist groups and pictures of My Little Ponies - it's a bad name.
• Look at lists of the most popular baby names for the last three years. Steer clear of the top 10, and definitely steer clear of any names that suddenly jump from #150 to #25.
• No celebrity names. Your kids will immediately hate this celebrity, and be horribly embarassed forever.
• If you like a common name, but don't like how it's spelled, tough. Either use the usual spelling, or find a new name. Andrywe is NOT a name.
• Most Americans are assimilated cultural mutts, without much connection to their ancestry. If you want to reconnect with your heritage, go to the library. Do not name your kid Bronwyn and think you are now in touch with your 1/16 Welsh side.
• A stupid sounding name is still a stupid sounding name even if its meaning is "beloved queen" or something else nice.
• Do not name your kid with elementary school bullies in mind. If it isn't incredibly obvious (Gaylord, Fartoff), they're going to get that little bit teased like the rest of us were, and there's nothing you can do about it.
• Try these on for size: "Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I'd like to introduce you to the new CEO of MultiGlobal Corp., [blank blank]" or "Also on the presidential panel is MIT's chief biochemical researcher, Dr. [blank blank].
• Assuming your child will live to age 70, s/he will spend 16% of their life as a child, 10% of their life as teenagers and 14% as senior citizens. The remaining 60% of their lives they will be adults. Plan accordingly.

And here are some selected quotes and a sample of barbed responses to message board posts (original posts in italics).

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I got an e-mail a while back from a lady who said she gave her potential baby names a test: did they fit better in the sentence, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States [blank] [blank]" or "And now, on the main stage, the Lusty Beaver Adult Club presents the hot action of [blank] [blank]." I think hospital forms should be reformatted to force parents to do just that.

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My daughter-in-law would like to name the baby River Sunshine. That's the first and middle names. I think he's going to be teased in school.

Are you kidding? Boys love being called Sunshine. And it goes so well with the last name "Stankowski."

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What do you think of the name Allegra? It is Italian and means cheerful &lively.

Side effects are low in seasonal allergy users and may include headache, cold, or back pain. People with kidney ailments should consult their doctor before taking Allegra.

Look, it's just your bad luck when a product or TV character or popular porn star or Rick Santorum ends up having your name, but if they came out with it first....just walk away.

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I think it's time to say a few words about gushing about a name's "meaning." Some meanings originate because the name evolved from real words (usually in a foreign language). And so their meanings are somewhat interesting.

And then some names have arbitrary meanings that for all I can tell were pulled out of a dead monkey's ass. For example, check out my good buddies the Kabalarians, who have insightful (cough) "meanings" for classy names like Beer and Toilet. I love the Kabalarians, because every one of their name analyses reads even more vague and general than the astrology listings in the newspaper.

And then some names don't have secret "meanings" because they are (dum dum DUM!) ALREADY WORDS. Sure, it'd be one hell of an irony if the name Sun meant "ugly fat pockmarked bastard," but I think it's a fair guess in English it means ... um ... wait, give me a second ... oh yeah, "sun." As in the giant ball of warmth and light that makes life possible for trees and flowers and baby bunnies and such.

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My husband wants Elijah Haakon.I want Legend Haakon.What do you guys think?

I feel like haaking. You know a kid named Legend will be bland and unaccomplished, just like girls named Charity are selfish, Faiths are atheists, Chastitys are bimbos and Hopes are suicidal. And if you're going to name a kid after a Tom Cruise movie THAT unapproachably bad, name 'em Cocktail.

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Im having twins, but I want a common first name and uncommon middle name how does this names sound: girls: Valerie Brigail and Juliet Alelanie or boys: Santiago Joeaziel and Omar Aaron comments?

What the living hell? (How's that for a comment?) The girls' middle names are part of the Syllable Exchange Program and the boys names make me ponder what ethnicity this woman is, and what ethnicity she thinks her son will magically have.

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And the vast majority of the names have no tie whatsoever to any sort of identifiable ethnicity besides Would-Be Yuppie on Too Much Xanax.

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Baby naming bulletin boards are peppered with people like this posting massive lists of medieval Norse, or Welsh, or Celtic names and their (cough) meanings. (Any Spanish or Italian or Greek or Farsi or Korean or Aztec or Egyptian or Gabonian names? No. Just the uber-pale peoples of the world.) Hiding amongst them are always a couple acceptable names, and the rest are chorus parts from Wagner's Ring cycle.

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Which name do you think?
Brecklyn Kate
OR
Ridgely Mae
I'm torn between the 2.
Thanks Brooke

And I'm torn between why your name ideas are "Welshman recites New York's boroughs" and "The other guy from Wham." Why not something hip and modern, like "Stetten Eeland" and "The bassist from Culture Club."

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May I suggest:
Calaya Tanith
Calaya Branwen
Calaya Delphine
Calaya Faerin
Calaya Gwendolen
Calaya Maeve
Calaya Roisin (ro-SHEEN)
Calaya Siobhan (sha-VON)
Calaya Talwen
Fainne Maeve
Fainne Roisin
Fainne Tanith

No. No, you bloody well may not suggest them. Please leave us alone and resume reading "The Annotated Legends of the Runes of the Mystical Arthurian Knighthood of the Sacred Circle of the Shield of the Spell-Casting Princess Faeries of the Grail of Blackwynne Castle. Book II."

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[From one of Diana's readers]

DAKOTA, LAKOTA, etc. I am an actual Indian, Oglala Lakota. I live in North Dakota. Stop with the so called "american indian" names, will ya? Dakota does not mean "friend", that's just what white folks think. I saw someone here post something to the effect of "my wife is one-eighth Sioux, so we named our son 'Lakota', which means 'good earth' in American Indian." Spot all the errors in that sentence.

*If* someone is actually Siouan, they would identify themselves as Oglala, Hunkpapa, Sicangu, Nakota, Dakota, Lakota, etc., not "sioux". If the name is a word from the Lakota language, it is not "american indian". There is NO "american indian" language. How many of you would think 'Pahli', 'Sicamna', or 'Sica' were pretty and unusual "american indian" names? Know what they mean? Mucous, Stink, and Ugly.

Do what you must, but leave the Dakota and Lakota Nations out of it, along with all other American Indian Nations. Find some other culture to co-opt.

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I'm thinking about naming my baby "Zannia Amari Smith", but whenever I tell people other than my family they just look at me and say "thats different".

I guess people are put off by weird names like Smith.

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One of our "requirements" for a name is that the first and middle initials will sound nice together to make a nickname. I grew up as Brandy to some and BJ to others ....quick and easy nickname that kids may not make as much fun of.

For 15 years poor Brandy never understood why everyone snickered after calling her by her nickname. Or why all those football players asked her to prom. They were so rough in the back of the limo.

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i named my daughters differently,

(as opposed to naming them the same? "...and these are my daughters, Brandy.")

...the younger one is kryslyn (like chrislynn)

Death to all vowels! The Ministry of Truth says vowels are plus undoublethink. Vowels are a Eurasian plot! Big Brother, leading us proles to victory!

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We're thinking of naming our son after his father whose name is Adjutor Joseph Audet III.

"Oh no," scream the citizens of Tokyo, "it's Adjutor! He has been freed from his radiation prison on Monster Island! Only Gamera can save us now!"

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we would love to get some imput for anyone out there; what does everyone think of Chase? (we endearingly call her Chasey or Chasey-Mae) Her full name is Francesca Brandlynn; this way, though we hope she loves "Chase" too; she will have options; she can go with Fran' Chesa, or Frannie or Franka or Chasen...

Upon her birth, Francesca Brandlynn's parents had the horrifying realization: They had fallen behind in the mad dash to come up with the strangest name they could and soon, the Soviets would perfect the Ultimate Dumb-Ass Name. Francesca's parents knew the U.S. could not afford a Weird Name Gap, and began renaming their child over and over, each getting stranger and more distant from her original name.

The child was later mistaken for an amnesiac when, asked by a police officer what her name was she said, crying, "I don't know."

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if i had a little girl i would name her Catatonia Calliope. catatonia meaning catatonic or in a coma and calliope meaning beautiful voice. i know its a tad odd but i like it!

See it means she has a beautiful voice. With no brain activity. And drools and needs a catheter. And is played at circuses!

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My to-be husband has a thing for "unique" names. He likes names such as "Veto" and "Enobi". I like what I call "cool" names. Then names such as "Kiki" and "Jack". We were having dissagrements with baby names till I smacked him upside the head and phrohibid him from naming my children.

Well, I phrohibid you from having kids at all. Although, it is nice to know who originated the slang use of "cool" - it's this lady! ("They're what I like to call --big finger quotes-- COOL names.") And now we know she's prone to violence against her fiance for wanting to name kids Veto so they can star in Schoolhouse Rock segments about the three branches of government! Help me, Kobi-Wan Enobi, you're our only hope!

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My son is named Mason and I don't see what is wrong with that. I have been suffering with my husband saying if this baby is a girl he'll name her America. I have tried to change his mind thousands of times, but he is stubborn. It's not that I'm not patriotic, I'm just thinking ahead to her school days. I don't want my child to have to endure being called "Miss America" or any other corny attempts at humor.

Damn it, woman! If you don't name your baby America, the terrorists win! Every patriot must go out and name their baby America!

Miss America my ass. It's the Coming to America jokes I'd fear.

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I had the misfortune last year, of doing some work at a private religious schooling facility near where I lived. Amongst the students was a girl called Deztini. Bleach-blonde little girl about 11 years old, spoilt by her folks (her mother seems to have been far too influenced by the Krystyl Dolfin era of kewl grrl namezz!1!1!!), blasted rap music without having a clue what the words were.

... And her freaking name was *Deztini*, of course, pronounced as 'destiny'. The pain, the pain. Surprise, surprise, all searches I did for "Deztini" turned up porn sites, porn stars and escorts.

Posted by lesjones