Les Jones

Star Wars > I Day to Episode III

Hey little Padwan, if you're going to the midnight showing of Episode III start your day with a good breakfast, like Star Wars frosted sugar blasters! They're what stormtroopers eat.

My first reaction was that it was odd that they'd pitch the cereal with Darth Vader, the one who turned evil. What's next -- Satan-Os and Frosted Shredded Hitler? I mean, why not Luke Skywalker or an Episode I-era Annakin Skywalker? And then it hit me: Lucas doesn't have to share royalties with the helmet.

Lucas doesn't need my help selling the Star Wars franchise for merchandising, but I can at least help him be more creative in the tie-ins. Here are some better product names, complete with ironic mottos.

Lucky Death Stars - "That's no yellow moon, orange star, or green clover. It's a space station."

Han Sol-Os - "Hokey weapons and ancient religions are no match for a good breakfast, kid."

Han Sol-Os, Special Edition - Same thing, but the cereal bites first, forcing Han to eat it.

Obi-Wan Ken Oat Bran - "Obi-Wan Ken Oat Bran. Obi-Wan. Now that's a cereal I 've not had in a long time. A long time."

Chris Range suggests Death Startal - "It takes a hundred star destroyers to equal the awesome destructive power of just one bowl of Death Startal."

Bonus - Every Star Wars cereal box ever made in every country.

MONTHS LATER - Considering how Anakin ends up in Episode III, featuring him on the box for Pop-Tarts Lava Berry Explosion seems sort of cruel.

DECEMBER 2006:

Luke's High Fiber Colon Blasters - "You're all clear kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

Jedi Mind Trix - "You want to buy this cereal. It has bright colors and a rabbit on the box. There's a toy prize inside. You want the toy prize."