August 16, 2006

Funny Ha-Ha > Boy George's Very Brady Lesson

brady.jpgDo you remember the Brady Bunch episode when Bobby broke the lamp? He was playing inside the house after his parents told him not to and, well, lamps were broken. I'm not pointing any fingers.

Bobby was afraid that if his attorney spoke to his parents and hypothesized Bobby's alleged involvement in the unfortunate business of the lamp being broken he might not get to go to summer camp. You can see his dilemma. On the one hand, admitting what he did was the right and moral thing his parents had taught him to do and would teach him an important lesson about personal responsibility. On the other hand, at summer camp you can ride horses, shoot rifles, and paddle canoes. So it was sort of a moral quandry.

Mr. and Mrs. Brady let the kids know that they expect someone to kome and konfess, komrade. To keep Bobby out of trouble each of the other kids went one by one into Mike's study and claimed it was they who broke the lamp.

Mike and Carol were no dummies, having studied guerilla warfare and signal analysis at Annapolis. They realized that since Bobby didn't confess, it must be that he is the lampbreaker. And since they've read Kafka, they devise an ingenious plan. After a show trial they ask Bobby to determine everyone else's punishment as part of their political re-education.

Bobby hasn't read Kafka. (He's more of a "Highlights" magazine man.) So he lets his siblings pick their own punishments. Naturally the kids pick phoney baloney non-punishments like helping Alice in the kitchen the next time she bakes cookies, or taking sexy swimsuit pictures of Marsha. (OK, I made that last one up, but as we all figured out in fifth grade, the Brady boys and the Brady girls aren't really brothers and sisters, if you know what I mean.)

Anyway, the Machiavellian Brady parents don't fall for it. Borrowing liberally from Greek mythology, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Marquis de Sade, they assign the kids new, "creative" punishments, like sanding down Alice's corns and expressing Tiger's anal gland. (Again, I'm kidding. Those were actually both Sam's jobs.) Since that didn't work, Mike and Carol tell Bobby they're going to buy him a special present to reward him for maintaining his status as a lamp non-breaker. Those Bradys were twisted, dude.

The Boy George Connection

Back to the present. Boy George was recently convicted of filing a false police report in Manhattan and posessing cocaine. The judge sentenced him to five days of community service. But five days of serving the community how? Boy George (who was apparently also a "Highlights" magazine man) asked for a Bobby Brady punishment.

He petitioned to spend the time helping teenagers make a public service announcement. Among his other proposals to the court: holding a fashion and makeup workshop, serving as a DJ at an HIV/AIDS benefit or doing telephone outreach.

Punishing Boy George by making him conduct a fashion and makeup workshop? That's like punishing Mel Gibson by making him tie one on and lead a KKK parade. The judge didn't buy it, so instead George is cleaning streets in New York. He's also required to repay Rosie O'Donnell for all the money she lost producing his failed musical, Taboo, by visiting her once a week to sand down her corns and express her anal gland. (Again, I'm kidding.)

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Or am I?

Bonus! - mAss Backwards weighs in

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