Les Jones

Funny Ha-Ha > Greg Gutfeld on Seafood

Greg Gutfeld:

As a very busy and highly successful person in media, I'm often wined and dined at the most fashionable and expensive restaurants. Bennigans. Applebees. The Outback - home to the bloomin' Onion - which is my nickname for Seth, the bartender there on Sundays. He has so many layers and sometimes he makes me cry. But when I'm out and about, I'm always told to order the seafood. "Try the Chilean sea bass- it's sealicious!" "You must have the shark fin soup - it's fincredible!" "Have you tried the prawns - they're prawnderful!"

Look. I don't eat seafood. Never have. Never will. I have my reasons. First, people say fish is good if it doesn't smell "fishy." I don't say that about steak. "Hey at least it doesn't smell steaky." Fish stink because they come from the sea - which is a giant toilet. People pee in it. No one pees on cows, unless the cow has requested as much in a Craigslist ad. And shellfish are oversized insects. If they were smaller, they would be roaches. However, a tiny cow is basically a meat ball. And meat balls are delicious, because they're essentially meat, in ball-form."