Les Jones

Safety

Two safety-related items.

Chris Range found these German stamps that promote safety. Or something.

Steve Killeffer and Zan like the Navy Safety Center Photo Archive:

Zan really, really loves this site...he woke up last night around 3 am, poked me on the shoulder, and whispered "Daddy, I want to see the picture of the car stuck in the hole. They need to call a tow truck and get that car out".

Wear goggles.

GOUT!

Funny story. We were eating out one night and I noticed a Jeep in the parking lot with a custom license plate. I stared at it. Why the hell would someone want that word on their license place?

It said "GOUT". Like having gout is something to be proud of.

I showed Melissa the GOUT license plate. That was the dumbest vanity plate either one of us had ever seen.

Then I realized that the Jeep was white with orange trim, and University of Tennessee stickers. The license plate was supposed to be read as GO UT with an imaginary space.

Elvis is the Watermelon

This is a tale of mis-heard song lyrics.

On the way back from a daytrip to Crossville Melissa and I were listening to Paul Simon's "Graceland" CD. During the song "Graceland" I mention to Melissa that I can't belive Paul Simon says that.

"Says what?" She has no idea what I'm talking about. I rewind the song so she can hear it for herself, but she doesn't notice anything unusual. Nothing. The lyrics I had always heard were:

As if I didn't know that, As if I didn't know my own bed, As if I'd never noticed, The way she brushed her hair and farted

Melissa laughed, and informed me that what Paul Simon was really saying was:

As if I never noticed, The way she brushed her hair from far away

I retorted that I didn't know how you could brush your hair from far way, unless you had a really long hairbrush. A hairbrush, perhaps, that Paul had given her for an anniversary, or maybe to mark St. Valentine's Day.

Melissa had an idea that hadn't occurred to me in 15 years of listening to the disc, which was to look in the case to see if the lyrics were printed inside. Sure enough, they were. The real lyrics?

As if I never noticed, The way she brushed her hair from her forehead

To be fair, Simon says "farhead" instead of "forehead," which helps explain how we both mis-heard it. While we had the lyrics out, I checked another line in "All Around the World/The Myth of Fingerprints" that never made any sense:

Well, the sun gets bloody and the sun goes down Elvis is the watermelon

The real lyrics aren't much more coherent:

Well, the sun gets bloody and the sun goes down Ever since the watermelon

Donald Rumsfeld

I like Rumsfeld and the way he handles the press, but the guy has a certain, um, style that comedians can't resist.

Hart Seely reviews the poetry of Donald Rumsfeld.

From jwz:

PHILIPPINES: US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld prepares to tear away the rubber mask hiding his true face, a glowing red skull, moments before incinerating a crowd of onlookers with his heat vision.

And this:

INNSMOUTH, MASS.: US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reveals the first stages of his transformation into a Deep One, the hybrid fishmen now scheduled to take control of the Federal Government no later than Q4 2003.

UPDATE JUNE 2:

Tattoos, Et Cetera

Boy, the things you find when you Google for information about Tennessee laws.

Tattoo Laws of the 50 States

Tattooing is illegal in Oklahoma and South Carolina, but it's unregulated in Nebraska.

In Tennessee, you have to be 18 to get a tattoo. For the full rundown, read Tennessee Permanent Cosmetic Legislation.

MASSACHUSETTS: "Illegal Other Than by a Qualified Physician for Medical Purposes."

FLORIDA: "Prohibits Tattooing Except by a Person Licensed to Practice Medicine or Dentistry."

HAWAII: "Illegal to Tattoo from the jaw bone up."

GEORGIA: "Illegal to Tattoo within an inch of the eye."

NEW YORK: "Prohibits the Operation of a Tattoo Parlor or Studio within 1000 Feet of Church, Synagogue or other place of Worship or School, Tavern or Park."

If tats and piercings are too last year for you, check out the latest body modification that makes all the young girls scream. Clayton Cramer wouldn't approve of that, young man, and neither does Illinois state representative David Miller, who got a bill passed to regulate the practice in his home state. It awaits the governor's signature. (And I haven't mentioned the body modification on purpose. You'll have to read it for yourself.)

With the current trend towards heroin chic and women's size zero, I'm guessing that corsets and foot binding will make a comeback any day now.

AMAZING INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY

Chris Range at Celtic Grove let me in on the ground floor of a once-in-a-lifetime chance to strike it rich.

Just in time for Our Nation's Birthday

Perfect for gifts or to keep as collectibles, our patriotic miniature copper engravings are sure to satisfy. Each toroidal engraving is a mere 1.92 centimeters in diameter! The frontispiece of this tiny artwork is adorned with a high quality engraving of the Great Emancipator -- but that's not enough -- we've also ensured that the obverse was decorated, with an architecturally correct rendering of the 16th President's memorial!

These tiny patriotic engravings are a great tribute to our nation and the ingenuity of it's craftsmen. One can be yours today for only $20!

Checks payable to:

Chris Range
PO Box 70227
Knoxville TN 37938

(*Sorry - due to the subjective value of art, no returns can be accepted. +fronti nulla fides)

Andy Stanfield adds "These highly collectible engravings have been officially approved by the federal government and the US Mint."

Bug and Sun: Join the Fun

(I'm still having technical problems with Blogger Pro and Charter cable, so posts will be sporadic this week.)

While living in the pre-Internet age this weekend, I burned stumps in the yard, took the dog to the lake, and went swimming with friends in the Smokies. (Jay told me not to say where. No reason to ruin a good swimming hole by telling people where it's at.)

You've heard of Bug and Sun? It's a combination insect repellent and sunscreen. When we were packing for the river I accidentally called it Sun and Run, which got me thinking...

Bug and Rug is copyright 2003 Anne Robinson. All others copyright 2003 Les Jones.

Which Colossal Death Robot Are

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

Do You Think I'm Addicted to Coffee?

I got up to get a drink of water, realized it was almost time for Melissa's alarm clock to go off, and decided to stay up and do some blogging.

Some coffee would be great. Then I remembered I emptied the coffee tin last weekend. I rummage through the cabinets. No coffee.

I decided to check my backpacks, thinking I might have some leftover grounds from the last camping trip. No coffee.

I remembered having a little bit of decaf (arg!) in the freezer. Maybe I could fool myself. I poured the beans into the grinder, but there weren't enough beans to fill it. I could maybe stretch it to two cups.

Then - mirabilu dictu! - I remembered finding Penguin caffeinated peppermints in my home office desk a few days ago. Three mints are supposed to equal a cup of coffee. There were five mints left in the tin. I spread them across the two cups of java.

And you know what? This stuff tastes pretty good. Coffee and peppermint is a tasty combination, and I can feel the kick just like regular coffee. What a great morning.

Wedding Registry, Etc.

Karl RSVPs to our wedding invitation:

I checked with my scheduler (ie my wife, who's back from Michigan now) and we unfortunately can't make it to your wedding. However, we would like to get you something, since it's not every day one of Knoxville's most eligible bachelors gets lass-oed. Are you guys registered any place?

Hi, Karl, sorry you and Stacey can't make it. As far as the wedding registry, for your convenience we're registered at both Mercedes of Knoxville and Lexus of Knoxville. We really don't prefer one car over the other, so just choose whichever dealership is closer to your work or home.

If neither one of those is convenient, we're also registered at Proffitt's and Target. Those links actually go to the online version of our registry, and you can order online. Pretty cool, especially for out-of-town guests. Wedding registries are amazing: bride and groom can select gifts using a Symbol scanner, guests can print out the registry using a touch-screen kiosk, and the whole thing is accessible online. That is some sweet technology.

Another option is a check. That may be considered crass by some people, but really, a check and a nice card would be great. Weddings are expensive, and since we're in our thirties we're footing most of the bills, not our parents. When we get back from the honeymoon fall semester will start and it will be time to pay tuition. Needs before wants.

There's another difference when you get married in your thirties. We already had most of the necessities of domesticity. When Melissa and I moved in together we had to combine two households worth of stuff and make it fit into one house. There's a limit to how many domestic possessions two people need, and we're pretty close to it. Still, All-Clad cookwear is pretty cool.

We picked a band!
The music for the wedding and reception will be provided by the Lake Terrace Trio from the University of Tennessee. The trio is two violins and a cello, and they play classical and jazz. Melissa requested their demo CD and it was wonderful.

Engagement pictures
Did you know you're supposed to get pictures made before the wedding? It was news to me. I polled our married friends and determined that about half of them had done it. One practical advantage that Terri notes is that engagement pictures allowed her to preview her hair and makeup and make some adjustments. That at least makes sense. Our wedding is in three weeks. The photographer can't process photos that quickly and he has weddings this weekend, so we're going to JC Penney's on Saturday.

LATER: It's done. Damn, getting family photos taken is a hectic, emotional bitch. If someone gives you a family photo, treasure it. You have no idea what they went through. And I guarantee it will be years before they make another one.

Expedition to Jonesborough
Melissa and Allison spent yesterday in Jonesborough ironing out details with Patty at The Wedding Loft. The flowers and a bunch of other specifics are set. Patty has been great, and I highly recommend the loft. I wrapped up a couple of issues this week, including gifts for the groomsmen and father of the bride, ordered from Keith at Knoxville Cigar Company.

Musician Jokes

Found while tidying up files on the hard drive.

A boy tells his mother, "When I grow up I want to be a musician." His mother tells him, "Now, honey, you can't do both."

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

What do you call someone who follows musicians around?
A drummer.

How does a bluegrass band know when the stage is level?
Drool comes out of both corners of the banjo player's mouth.

Know some others? Post them in comments. I've heard a bunch of viola jokes I can't recall right now. Something about throwing a viola down a mine shaft.

Son of Musician Jokes

The last one went over so well here's another.

What's the difference between a musician and a government bond?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

How do you get two viola players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

Nationalities

COLONEL JEFF COOPER: It is related that when the ship was in deep but not obvious distress the captain could not persuade the passengers to man the life boats, so he resulted to cultural remedy. To the Germans he said, "It is an order." To the English he said, "It is a game." To the French he said, "It is sinful." To the Italians he said, "It is forbidden." And to the Americans he said, "It is new."

COLONEL JEFF COOPER: Our travels remind us again of the linguistic advice that one should do business in English, diplomacy in French, command troops in German, make love in Spanish, and sing in Italian.

OLD JOKE: Heaven is a French cook, a German mechanic, and an English policeman. Hell is an English cook, a French mechanic, and a German policeman.

I've added Colonel Jeff Cooper (as opposed to Professor Jeff Cooper) to my blogroll. Among other things, Cooper fought in WWII and Korea, and founded the Gunsite Ranch shooting school. His monthly missives are worth reading for what he has to say about guncraft and the state of the world. Like most conservative bloggers that I link to, I don't agree with everything he says (particularly in regards to religion and "ragheads"), but overall I think he's right more than he's wrong, which is never a bad average.

Spooky Action at a Distance

So stick out your right leg, and make clockwise circles with your foot.

Now use your right hand to draw the number 6 in the air. Your foot will start moving in the opposite direction, and you can't stop it.

As Count Floyd would say, ewww... skerry.

Song Lyrics

I just learned a new Google hack: to find the lyrics to a song, go to Google and search for the song name and the word "lyrics."

I tried it, and discovered that Bob Dylan's web site apparently has all of his lyrics online, plus streaming audio versions of the recording. Try the lyrics for "4th Time Around." Even if you're not a Dylan fan, you may recognize the tune from the movie "Vanilla Sky."

Thanks to this hack, I finally know the lyrics to the Clash song "White Man in Hammersmith Palais." Johnny Knoxville has said that when he started the TV Show "Jackass" he just wanted to make a show as cool as that song. Now I need to look up some REM lyrics.

Mis-heard Lyrics

I mentioned a while ago that I had mis-heard the lyrics to Paul Simon's "Graceland" for about, oh, 15 years. The line that I thought said "the way she brushed her hair and farted" is actually "the way she brushed her hair from her forehead." I also that thought the lyrics to "Myth of Fingerprints" were "Elvis is the watermelon" when they're really "Ever since the watermelon."

Well, I've been vindicated. Lots of people have mis-heard the lyrics the same way I did. See, for instance, AmIRight.com or KissThisGuy.com. So, it turns out that I'm NOT the world's biggest idiot and that, in fact, it was a tie. So ha!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Ping Pong

Hey ping pong fans! What if you had Matrix-type special effects in a live play instead of a movie, and instead of fighting, you played ping-pong?

Here's what it looks like.

Watch it for a minute or so and you can see how the effects are done. Doing this with actors instead of wires and video is way cool.

What Would Billboard Magazine Call Rock 'n' Roll?

The names of most styles of pop music are descriptive: Rhythm and Blues, Adult and Contemporary, Country and Western.

If someone hadn't come up with the term "rock 'n' roll," Billboard magazine would have gotten to name it. What bland title would their editorial board have given to the most influential music of the 20th century?

Canadian FAQs

Via Clayton Cramer. I just love snappy answers to stupid questions.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do plants grow? (From the UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

You Damned Dirty Ashtray!

The other day I watched Longmire's Planet of the Apes Flash animation, which was great. It reminded me that I hadn't seen the movie in years, so I watched it tonight.

You've probably seen old TV footage where people are smoking on talk shows. Weird, isn't it? Well, that's nothing. In Planet of the Apes, Charleton Heston smokes a cigar on a spaceship!

"Sorry, Dodge, I should have asked before I lit up. Here, I'll open a window."

"The crew will need food and medical supplies for 24 months. Also, don't forget the Pall Malls. That's one pack per crew member times four crew members per waking day. Thankfully they sleep for months at a time."

"To complete our journey with sufficient oxygen, we'll have to recycle our atmosphere. So that means no menthols. I'm looking at you, Landon."

I'm curious. Did the ship's designers include a built-in ashtray, did Heston use one of the little plaid jobs with gravel in the bottom, or did he just ash on the floor?

Also, why am I writing James Lileks's columns for him?

Review of Smokin' Joes BBQ

Jay and I decided to try Smokin' Joes BBQ in Maryville. Once we were seated, Jay asked for an ashtray, only to find out that this is one barbecue joint that doesn't tolerate the evil weed of tobacco.

The waiter asked for our drinks, and I ordered a beer, only to find out that this is one barbecue joint that doesn't tolerate demon rum. Demon beer. Whatever.

We split. Thus endeth my first review of Smokin' Joes BBQ.

Lisa told us that Joe's has a permit now, so we tried it again tonight. Sure enough, Joe's now has demon beer. Also Anheuser-Busch and Miller products.

They still don't allow the evil weed, which just goes to show that some vices are more vicious than others. My alcohol consumption is sociable and light-hearted, like female nudity. Jay's tobacco consumption is offensive and disgusting, like male nudity.

Speaking of offensive, Smokin' Joes BBQ serves dinner rolls instead of hushpuppies, and they don't put enough sauce on the pulled pork. The cole slaw, however, was charming and delightful, like female nudity.

Fun With Indian Food

Had Indian food today at Kashmir. It reminded me of the time I took my brother there. One of the things we had was nan (pronounced "non") bread.

Me: "This is nan bread."
Eric: "Is that sort of like anti-pasto?"
Me: "Right. You should drink it with 7-Up, the Un-Cola."

Baby Names

So Melissa and I are talking about a family, so we're thinking about baby name. This Plastic thread has all of the latest in child-abusing nomen.

I didn't realize that people were actually naming their kids Timberland and Lexus. Though now that I think of it, there was a young lady named Mercedes at the club the night of my bachelor party. And "ladies named Mercedes" would be the start of a good limerick.

Here's the advice we've gotten:

- Don't use an uncommon spelling of a common name. People will reflexively hate your kid for making them learn a new spelling. "My name is David. That's spelled S-T-E-V-E." Hard to spell names will haunt your kid every time they get a new teacher, start a new job, or make a new acquaintance.
- Don't give your daughter a stripper name - Brandi, Candi, Bambi, Tiffany, etc. If you're not famliar with current stripper names, it may be time for field research.
- Don't name your son Scott or Mark. The world has plenty, thanks. You can also visit the Social Security baby name report for currently-popular names and avoid using any of them.

Confused? Just visit the Modern Humorist and use their Baby Name Generator:

Trendy
There's nothing more Trendy than a child. Anybody who says otherwise has obviously never met your son.

Xenophobia
Xenophobia is a powerful human phenomenon that deserves wide-spread attention. Wouldn't you say the same of your child?

Zebrew
If you're Jewish and your baby is a zebra, why not make the best of an admittedly difficult situation?

Another Great Idea

Eugene Volokh recently solicited ideas for novels where the titles are based, John Grisham-style, on legal terms.

That reminds me. When I was a biology student, I had a great idea for the name of an adult movie. I was going to call it "Statistical Outliers in Mammary Gland Size: a Visual Survey of Residents of Los Angeles County, California."

AOL Desecrates Netscape's Corpse, GIF at 11

Former Netscape developer jwz is all over AOL's move to create a low-cost ISP under the Netscape brand:

The best part of this latest bit of corpse-f*cking is going to be the browser: because there's no way that "AOL lite" is going to ship with Mozilla, right? They fired all the Mozilla developers, after all, because they have a new MSIE contract. So they'll ship a branded MSIE.

It will be "the Netscape version of Microsoft Internet Explorer."

That's just so wonderfully head-explodey!

Local Knoxville Nobel Prize Winners

Most people don't know it, but Knoxville actually has its own Nobel Prize. You may already be a winner! Herewith the Local Nobel Prizes for Knoxville, Tennessee:

Economics - This year's Local Knoxville Nobel Prize in Economics goes to... The guy who figured out that you could calculate the waiter's tip by doubling the sales tax. This invention was almost rendered obsolete. A few more years of a Sundquist governorship and you wouldn't have had to double the tax.

Chemistry - The Local Knoxville Nobel Prize Van for Chemistry is heading to the house of... The guy who realized you could sprinkle salt on a napkin to keep your beer glass from sticking.

Medicine - Finally, the Local Knoxville Nobel Prize in Medicine goes to... The guy who was bitten by a grizzly bear and patched his wound with duct tape. Once the grizzly booboo was patched he hiked to his ATV, drove 15 miles to his pickup truck, and drove half an hour to the hospital. By the power invested in me by having a blog, I hereby make him an honorary Knoxvillian.

That's it for this year. If you didn't win, buy two tickets next time. And remember - you can't win if you don't play!

Dolly Parton Joke

My brother told an awful Dolly Parton joke during the UT game. I'll put it behind the "More" link so that you can avoid reading this terrible, puerile, crass, sophomoric joke.

Bear Mauling Jokes

On my last backpacking trip I realized how many dark bear jokes I know. It's an occupational hazard, I guess, from being a backpacker and a biologist. Here are the ones I can think of that aren't too offensive. If you know others, post in comments.

Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.

Two hikers round a corner and come face to face with an enormous bear that rises up on its haunches and roars at them.

"What do we do?" the first hiker asks.
"Run!"
"Do you really think you can outrun a bear?"
"No, but I can outrun you."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge
towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on
the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right
on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't
exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the
forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both
paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen."

Longmire

I've been a Mark Longmire fanboy for a while. The other day I was visiting his site and realized that I've only been reading the blog, while there's even more fun with Ye Olde Photoshoppe on his main page.

Rejected Wheel of Fortune Puzzles.
That's the gameshow I want to be on most. I totally kick ass, though any bravado that might come from that it is ameliorated by the fact that the show is pretty geriatric.

This would be even more fun combined with the Chuch Sign Generator code.

Vacation Photos.
"Our dad's funny. Sometime's he's funny ha-ha, and sometimes he's funny strange."

Longmire and Knoxville Mayor Victor Ashe.
Dude! If I'd known Longmire was tight with the mayor I'd have asked him to fix my parking ticket. 'Course Longmire's met everyone on the national scene, too.

Bumper Stickers

Seen for sale at today's gun show.

Driver Carries Less Than $20 in Ammunition.

I Won't Wreck a $20,000 Car to Save a 28¢ Cat.

Send More Yankees. They're Delicious.

Children Left Unattended Will Be Sold Into Slavery.

And here's a free idea for a bumper sticker, from me to you: Let He Who is Without Ammo Cast the First Stone

Michael Jackson Jokes

Q: When is bedtime at Neverland?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boys?
A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to JC Penney's?
A: He heard they had boys pants half off.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and
the other is for carrying groceries.

Thanksgiving Progression

Random thought.

Wednesday before Thanksgiving - biggest travel day of the year (fact)

Thanksgiving - biggest eating, sleeping day of the year (personal observation)

Friday - biggest shopping day of the year (fact)

Saturday - biggest Christmas-tree putting up day of the year? (speculation)

Sunday - biggest not really doing a lot, just kind of dreading going back to work, sort of in a stupor and thinking about renting a movie day of the year (expectation)

Oh, well, off to the mall with Melissa. Those early bird bargains don't just buy themselves.

Religious Jokes

Dean Esmay and his readers (including me) have some excellent religious jokes.

Fun for Your Next Meeting

Hey, kids! It's Bullsh!t Bingo, the wacky business power-talking game!

Two recent buzz phrases that I hear a lot: "what gets you out of bed" (translation: what motivates you) and "at the end of the day" (translation: meaningless filler).

At a recent meeting with one of our manufacturers, the sales rep combined the two: "At the end of the day we want to know what gets you out of bed."

More Million Dollar Ideas

Everyone likes dougnuts, right? And everyone has to go to the bathroom, right? So why not combine the two? Genius!

That's Teddy in the picture. Be sure to check out Just Teddy for all the latest Teddy-related news.

Yesterday he was telling me that his electric razor died, and I got another Great Idea: the Norelco Cell Shaver, a clamshell cell phone equipped with Norelco's patented floating heads so you can get a close, long-lasting shave while you're driving the car and talking on your cell phone. Angel investors can send money to my PayPal account.

Bastard Child of Musician Jokes

Via Tom Payne. (Yes, that Tom Payne. You know, the one in accounting.)

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
If you set them on fire the bassoon burns longer.

If you thought that was stupid, you haven't read Musician Jokes or Son of Musician Jokes.

A Man, a Plan, a Canal, Palindrome!

A seasonal palindrome from one of Andrew Tobias's readers:

The Iranian cleric in charge of religious festivities when presented with the personal demands of the chosen entertainer and, further, upon the offering of inappropriate libations on this sacred occasion, declares:

YANNI GETS AT NO DAM HARP! RAHMADON! TASTE GIN? NAY!

Last year's palindrome was pithier:

My friend Steve Tomlin, entrepreneur and estimable venture capitalist, imagines a Christmas bell on our front door. (We have no bell; we have a wreath.) He further imagines our efforts to entice Leona Helmsley to come over for a holiday drink. (We don’t know Leona Helmsley; we’re OK with this.) Having thus imagined the set-up, Steve suggests we lure her to our door by messengering this note up to her suite: "A Noel gong gets a fast eggnog, Leona!"

Letterman's Top 10 for Saddam Hussein

Top Ten Questions Asked By Saddam Hussein When He Was Captured
10. Be honest...have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?
9. Who's got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a bitch!
8. Anyone have a mint?
7. Is this about the illegal music downloads?
6. Am I going to be on 'Cops'?
5. Which describes me better right now -- 'haggard' or 'grizzled'?
4. How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?
3. Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?
2. How's the war going?
1. Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?

Wardrobe Malfunctions in Star Wars

Lucas has finally succumbed and will release the first three Star Wars films on DVD. That's the good news. The bad news is that he insists on releasing the modified "special editions" rather than the originals. In a thread on Plastic, Herbie the Elf writes:

Don't give Tinkerbell a belly button ring. Don't let Lassie talk. Don't give Scarlett O'Hara that spooky Crayola flesh tone, and fer Chrissakes don't add some cartoonishly fake CGI Jabba the Hut into a movie that's 20 years old.

Yep. Now that we've got that settled, let's take Star Wars dialog and substitute the word "pants." WastingMy, you go first:

"What if everyone who smuggled for me dropped their pants at the first sign of an Imperial ship"

"Luke, use the pants"

"I find your lack of pants disturbing"

"Curse my metal pants!"

"Uh, we had a slight pants malfunction, but, uh, everything's perfectly alright now, we're fine, we're all fine here now, thank you."

Your turn, Genady:

"These aren't the pants you're looking for."

"We're getting out of here in those pants? You're braver than I thought."

"I sense something. Pants I've not felt since..."

"Traveling through pants ain't like dusting crops, boy."

"Uh, uh, negative. We had a pants leak here now. Give us a minute to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous. "

My turn:

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more my pants slip through your fingers."

"Escape is not his plan. I must pants him. Alone."

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for good pants, kid."

Conversation at a Urinal

In the men's room at Barley's tonight I stepped up to a urinal with fluid on the floor.

Me: A puddle. Let's hope that's water.
Guy next to me: Yeh. (pause) You know the joke? If you shake it more than twice you're beating off.
Me: Heh.
Guy next to me: You know the easiest thing to get out of a penis?
Me: What's that?
GNTM: Wrinkles.
His friend: Those are the only two jokes he knows.
Me: I'll tell you my best joke. Why don't Kentucky high schools have sex education and drivers education on the same day?
GNTM: I don't know. Why?
Me: It's too hard on the horse.

The Lowest Form of Humor

That would be the pun, not raunchy urinal jokes.

From Angie:

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.

After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.

She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

Helping Cure Potty Mouth One Blogger at a Time

Rocket Jones (no relation) got in trouble at work for saying that "the system goes down more than Linda Lovelace." SayUncle says that his CEO looks at him funny when he says "you can't polish a turd."

I've got potty mouth, too, but I've learned polite versions of some of my favorites.

R-rated: You can't polish a turd.
G-rated: You can't polish a rotten apple.

R-rated: He's happy as a pig in sh!t
G-rated: He's happy as a pig in a shirt.

The best part is, people who know the real version will still know what you mean.

LATER: Uncle responded to this post, and recalls a former manager who used G-rated terms that were one-for-one substitutes for good old-fashioned swearing:

When something happened, he'd say Gosh darn it or refer to someone as a son of a biscuit. And my personal favorites were freak and fudge. I did a lot of freaking and fudging up, apparently.

Which is pretty lame. It's like watching an R-rated movie that's been cut for broadcast TV.

Another expression I remember is substituing "sheee-ite Muslim" for sh!t, but not everyone can pull it off. You have to be able to speak redneck for it to work.

What I Learned from Watching '70s TV Shows

I watched an episode of "The Incredible Hulk" the other day at Jay's. Thinking back to other shows from that era, I now grasp the important lessons of '70s TV.

• People who are accused of crimes are always innocent. (The Incredible Hulk, Grizzly Adams, Run Joe Run, The Dukes of Hazard)
• The police are the real criminals. (The Incredible Hulk, The Dukes of Hazard)
• Wild animals are your friend if you're a good person. (The Incredible Hulk, Grizzly Adams, Run Joe Run, Sigmund and the Sea Monsters)
• If you don't have a car, hitchhiking is a safe and efficient means of transportation. (The Incredible Hulk)

If You Love or Hate Salon

You'll either love or hate the TeeVee.org parody.

I also liked the alt text for the Yanni Yesterday cartoon: "Nothing good, blind people." Plus the Pee Wee Herman wire story.

Another Blogger is Having a Baby

First it was Uncle. Then Jeff, Thibodeaux, and Andrew, then me.

Now Bugly emails to say that he and his wife are expecting. He even sent me the ultrasound:

ultrasound.jpg

Congratulations to Bugly! Well, unless this is a clever parody or something.

Deep Thoughts

Smoking a cigarette is said to take three minutes from your life. If you use a TiVo to fast forward through commercials, does that balance things out?

Political Jokes

SouthKnoxBubba has one against Bush. Change the parties if you don't like it. This one could cut either way.

Here's one against Cinton. To be fair, it's hard to imagine a similar joke against contemporary Republicans. The Dems have just been too wimpy about the military in the last four decades.

ZUG

I just discovered ZUG. Or maybe re-discovered it - come to think of it, now I remember reading the credit card prank, which is funny, but not half as funny as the Viagra prank.

So I did it. I took the bait. I spent a day surfing the Viagra sites, and I was shocked by what I found. I had expected unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice. Instead, I found unethical, quasi-legal Web sites dispensing dangerously inaccurate medical advice from people dressed up to look like doctors.

Here's Dr. Alec Broers from the renowned medical journal s95forcheapmeds.nepzzz.com, who claims "This product is 100% SAFE medically tested in labs, and by myself personally." Which means that Dr. Broers is impotent. Ha ha! "I happen to know this drug will work," went the second (and more revealing) part of Dr. Broers' endorsement, "because I myself have a limp, sagging penis." You'll notice they don't mention what kind of doctor he is. That's because he is a doctor of love.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Shepherd?

Busy weekend. We had another pre-natal yard sale at my mother-in-law's house. (To everyone's amazement, the unmatched juice glass still hasn't sold. Call now to get in on the ground floor of this historical investment opportunity for just 10, no! 5 cents.)

After the sale I did some yard work, Melissa sorted things for the next yard sale, and Melissa and I helped her clean out the garage. We went over there today and finished things up, and I pressure-washed her house. Now I'm going to watch a DVD, get some sleep, and get up and go tomorrow. Meanwhile, here's a joke in the grand tradition of Scotch-Irish bestiality humor (the grand tradition being the humor, of course, and not the bestiality).

Q: What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

A: Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud," while the shepherd says "Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe."

Credit where credit's due. I found the joke on this interesting thread at Scott Burgess's that L/libertarians past and present should read.

LATER: The DVD I'm watching is Miller's Crossing. I'll be damned if there isn't a carving knife in one scene that's just like one we sold today in the yard sale. Odd. It's a knife/fork carving set we bought at the Sunday flea market in Manhattan. We also sold a Houdini game we bought at a garage sale in Beverly Hills while we were following our Map to the Stars. We expected to find old Oscar statues or something, but it was mostly the usual ashtrays and pots and pans. The only unique thing was an organic chemistry modeling set exactly like the one I used in college. The guy wound up giving it to me because I knew what it was.

The Bob Dole Health Plan

Jay came over for dinner tonight. During one conversation he mentioned he was on the "Bob Dole Health Plan." I didn't know what that was, so I asked him.

"The Bob Dole health plan? That's easy. DON'T GET SICK!!!"

Preview of Spider Man 3-23

Found here. Hit refresh to see all of them. Via Jim Treacher.

Why Did Nixon Watch Deep Throat So Many Times?

I went to bed early last night, so no convention blogging or Thursday Gun Links, but here are some sprinkle-covered goodies.

So Teresa Heinz Kerry submitted her favorite cookie recipe to Family Circle, which became an election year tradition after Hillary Clinton famously said she didn't stay home and make cookies. Only it turns out she now admits it wasn't her recipe, and the cookies weren't very good.

No big deal, really. This isn't going to turn into Cookiegate. But it brings up some presidential trivia: Tricky Dicky Nixon did the same thing with a wedding cake recipe. The cake thus prepared was so bad even his little dog Checkers wouldn't eat it.

Which reminds me of a great early '70s joke.

Q: Why did Nixon watch Deep Throat so many times?
A: He wanted to get it down Pat.

Thanks, folks. I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress.

Opening Joke of the Olympics

During the 1996 Olympics, three old college buddies decide to reunite in Atlanta to see the games. One was from Tennessee, one was from North Carolina, and one was from Alabama.

When they got to the games their hopes were dashed. All of the tickets were sold out! They were going to miss out on an historic event.

Then they noticed a side gate where the Olympic athletes were entering the stadium. They edged closer and listened as the athletes conversed with the security guard at the entrance.

Country? "Greece." Event? The athlete held up his bow and answered "archery." The guard waved him in.

The guy from Tennessee, who was the smartest of the three, got an idea. He went to a Civil War memorial across the street and came back with a cannonball.

Country? "United States." Event? He held up the cannonball. "The shot put." The guard waved him through.

The guy from North Carolina, who was almost as smart, caught on immediately. He went out into the street and came back with a manhole cover.

Country? "United States." Event? He held up the manhole cover. "Discus." The guard waved him inside.

The guy from Alabama finally figured out what they were doing. He went to a nearby meadow and returned dragging 50 feet of barbed wire.

Country? "United States." Event? He held up the barbed wire. "Fencing."

More Politicians Announce "We're Gay, Too!"

"At a point in every person's life, one has to look deeply into the mirror of one's soul and decide one's unique truth in the world, not as we may want to see it or hope to see it, but as it is," Saddam Hussein intoned today from the prison cell where he awaits trial as a war criminal. "And so my truth is that I am a gay dictator."

At a press conference Saturday Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed reporter's continued queries about his closed-door dealings with energy companies in formulating the nation's energy policies. "You're missing my T, my truth. I am a big gay stooge of the oil industry. And for this, I ask the forgiveness and the grace of my wife and my daughter Mary, who is also gay." Cheney announced that to preserve the dignity of his office he will resign effective January, 2009.

Matt Drudge has revealed the text of tomorrow's planned speech by Presidential hopeful John Kerry. "I am a gay Vietnam veteran. I realize the fact of this affair and my own sexuality if kept secret leaves me, and most importantly the president's office, vulnerable to rumors, false allegations and threats of disclosure. Also, I lied about Cambodia. I hasten to add that John Edwards is not gay. He's just really, really good looking." Rumors abound that Kerry made the announcement as a pre-emptive measure against a sexual harassment lawsuit to be filed by an unnamed North Carolina trial lawyer.

Add your own in comments.

Go Read KnoxPatch

I hadn't read KnoxPatch in forever. I thought Bjorn had quit blogging, or was killed in a meth lab explosion or something, but he's still at it, and has lots of new material. A sample:

BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee recently declined to pay a bill for medical services after Seymour resident, Billy Rivet, was hit in the head by a meteor and fell into an Indian arrowhead on his farm. The meteor barely grazed his head causing neck injuries and the loss of nearly 1/2 of his left ear. The arrowhead punctured his right shoulder in the fall. According to a spokesman for BlueCross BlueShield of Tennessee, "These are clearly pre-existing conditions not covered by our policies. The meteor had been flying on that path for thousands of years and the arrowhead is much older than Mr. Rivet, so it would be nearly impossible to claim that these were not pre-existing."

Whatever Happened to the Brunching Shuttlecocks?

The Brunching Shuttlecocks were a great online comedy troupe. They've gone their separate ways, but I stumbled across some of their new material, and their member spin-off sites.

Shrove Tuesday is a spinoff worth reading. Via jwz. Good stuff includes If all stories were written like science fiction stories, How furries could improve their image, and Why the classic SF future was called off.

Oh, and don't miss Retail college - fall schedule:

HEALTH 110 	Why You Do Need to Shower Every Day
MATH 201 	Help! They Handed Me A Twenty And Coins!
BAGGING 104 	Which Things Can Crush Other Things
SEXUALITY 104 	No, Aprons Don't Make You Gay
PHYSICS 101 	The Magical Red Light That Knows Prices
SEXUALITY 155 	Please Don't Beat Off in the Restroom
MATH 102 	Bring Two Mops and One Bucket to Aisle Four for a V8 Spill
MATH 106 	How Many Hours Equal a New DVD?
SOCIOLOGY 210 	Things To Say To That One Bagger Who's Retarded

The Shutupicrat by Lore.

Specialized phone sex lines.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Foreshadowing:

"Okay, me and the rest of the Bothans will be back soon with the information! Don't worry, we won't die!"

"Golly, no one will ever make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs!"

"Let's remove R2's jet rockets and put in some sort of teddy bear zapping device instead."

"If I ever have a son, I'd like him to have my lightsaber when he's old enough. But not to use against me!"

Speaking of Star Wars, The Weekly Standard has the 411 on those Star Wars DVDs.

Test Tube Baby of Musician Jokes

Salvaged from this VodkaPundit thread.

What do you call a musician whose girlfriend breaks up with him?
Homeless.

What do you call a drummer with an IQ of 60?
Gifted.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None- they have machines that do that now.

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One hundred: one to screw in a new lightbulb, and the rest to write songs about how much they miss the old one.

See also Musican Jokes, Son of Musician Jokes, and Bastard Child of Musician Jokes.

If Your Daughter's Doll House Has a Doll-sized Septic Tank...

you might be a redneck.

Dick Cheney's Lesbian Daughter of Musician Jokes

See also Musican Jokes, Son of Musician Jokes, Bastard Child of Musician Jokes, and Test Tube Baby of Musician Jokes.

Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A. A tattoo.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
B. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
C. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
D. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q. Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A. He had to break the window to get the drummer out!

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to hold the bulb and six to drink until the room spins.

Q. What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?
A. You get your wife and your job back.

Q. What's an accordion good for?
A. Learning how to fold a map.

Q: How many blues guitarists does it take to cover "Voodoo Chile"?
A: All of them.

The next joke is long and dirty, so I'm putting it behind the more link.

James Taranto's Awful Punnery

From yesterday's Best of the Web:

She Stays in Vegas
Friday's Las Vegas Sun carried the following obituary (ninth item):

Mary Noonan Knight, 91, of Las Vegas died Tuesday in a local hospital. She was born Aug. 20, 1913, in San Francisco. A resident for 39 years, she was a retired property investor.

Wow, Vegas really is a 24-hour city. They're mourning Noonan Knight!

British Quip from Megan McCardle

From Jane Galt, a traditional quip.

The British Isles are composed of four races of man

. . . the Scottish, who keep the sabbath--and everything else they can get their hands on.

. . . the Welsh, who pray on their knees--and on their neighbours.

. . . the Irish, who don't know what they want, but are willing to fight for it anyway.

. . . and the English, who consider themselves a race of self-made men, thereby relieving the almighty of a terrible burden.

Great Moments in Sarcasm History: the Poncho RBI

So the military uses something called the RBI (Re-enforcement By Indorsement) as a disciplinary measure. The RBI is sort of an essay the punishee has to write about their offense.

This is what happens when a smartass has to write an RBI because his drill sergeant caught him without his poncho at chow.

Another reason the poncho is useful in the mess hall is because of it's (sic) camouflage properties. For instance, if a drill sergeant catches me getting cake and ice cream, and is about to throw a tantrum, I put on my poncho and "poof!" I am renderered virtually invisible. I blend in with my surroundings and disappear!

Here are some uses of the poncho the military hasn't thought of yet:

• Kevorkian parachute
• Camouflage colostomy bag
• Appropriate wear for those spur-of-the-moment combat toga parties
• A hot, uncomfortable turban
• One size fits all prophilactic (sic)

He also writes a Village People-inspired ode to the poncho called "Poncho Man."

My Million Dollar Salad Dressing Idea

I've come up with a great new salad dressing. It's like Thousand Island dressing, only better. In fact, it's exactly 10% better. I call my new dressing Eleven Hundred Island. I'm on the phone right now purchasing the additional 100 islands.

My Million Dollar Restaurant Idea

Everyone likes buffets, right? But as more Americans become weight-conscious, buffets are becoming less popular.

So I had this great idea: the all-you-can-eat diet food buffet. You'd have a salad bar, clear soup bar, rice cake bar, grapefruit bar, and dessert salad bar.

Email me now to get in on the ground floor of this historic investing oppurtunity.

See also my million dollar salad dressing idea.

GQ's 100 Funniest Jokes

Via Barry. Barry picked his favs. Here's mine. Barry already picked the Emo Philips joke, but it's one of my all-time favorite jokes about religion. Read 'em all. They're mostly clean, unlike the jokes I like.

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future." (Richard Jeni)

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy." (W.C. Fields)

"I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world." (Steven Wright)

Zombie Point/Counterpoint

Taking the pro-zombie position, Sandcastle:

I find zombies to be the absolutely least intimidating creature of horror to attack ficticious cities anywhere. Their strong points are their ability to create others and their normally large starting numbers. However this is offset by a long list of crippling weaknesses. ... Zombies are easy to kill. Destroying the brain has seemed to work in every zombie flick I have watched. They have no tendency toward self preservation at all. A zombie will not dodge bullets or cover its head as you repeatedly bash them with golf clubs.

Cubicle has the anti-zombie position:

Another fact about zombies that bothers me is their unknown origin. I found a list that probably is mostly complete, but it is by no means 100 percent complete. If you see a zombie, you will have no idea if it was produced by the government, aliens, or demons. In other words, you can solve all the smaller problems (killing the individual zombies), but not the big problem (stopping the zombie producing phenomena) .

Is That Mini Cooper Genuine or Counterfeit?

CounterfeitMinis is hilarious. I just saw their commercial on the History Channel. "Counterfeits are sold by street vendors at flea markets, pawn shops and internet auction sites. The deft criminals rely on ignorance and a lack of common sense. The extremely near-sighted are especially vulnerable."

"Milwaukee, WI: While the bonnet stripes and contrast roof were deceptive, an observant consumer with a tape measure discovered the truth. Actual length: 14 feet 9 inches"

"We Are Unitarian Jihad"

Oh, no! Someone offended the Unitarians!

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

I think they're demanding that candy corn be classified as a vegetable.

There's even a Unitarian Jihad Name Generator. My Unitarian Jihad Name is Brother Nunchaku of Forgiveness. Via Zendo Deb, AKA Sister Howitzer of Moderation.

Zombie Food Pyramid

Email from Chris Range:

Here’s the new food pyramid.

Personally, I like the zombie food pyramid.

Level 1: Brains, brains, brains, brains
Level 2: Brains, brains, brains
Level 3: Brains, brains
Level 4: Brains (sparingly)

I don't like the food pyramid. Me, I prefer the food Mobius strip or the food geodesic dome.

Wait for It

Mark Steyn, bemoaning the mention of a flash-in-the-pan like Aston Kutcher in a comedic play:

The great English man of letters, Lord David Cecil, once told me that he thought comic novels lasted much longer than serious ones. “Look at Galsworthy,” he said. “Completely unreadable now. Whereas Wodehouse is funnier than ever.” But Wodehouse is funny because he eschewed the comedy of Kutcher: in a Wodehouse joke, there is no Kutcher in the wry.

Zombies vs. Frank Lloyd Wright

Westerblog via Spoons.

Speaking of death . . . like all great architecture, Taliesin has great stories. The house was leveled twice during Wright’s lifetime, once by lightning and once by arson, his third wife burnt alive–along with kids and houseguests–by an enraged gardener. Whoa.

So an Alabama Football Player Gets Pulled Over...

So this Alabama football player gets pulled over. Cop says "Got any ID?" And the football player says "`Bout what?"

Told to me by Randy Rand.

Giving the NY Times the NY Times Treatment

Iowahawk paints a picture of the NY Times as a picturesque backwater populated by quaint rubes, sort of like the NY Times treats every place outside of NYC.

Each year they come here, from Cambridge and Ithaca and New Haven, young and eager social critics seeking nothing more than an honest day's wage for an honest day's condescension, and perhaps a decent squab pate in white wine reduction.

For the newest generation of polemic workers, though, the promise of that simple Anti-American Dream seems ever more distant. Most of the mills have long fallen silent, tragic victims of cheap foreign radio talk shows and the growing monopoly of multinational corporate blogs.

Now, even the grandest of the old mills - the venerated New York Times 43rd Street Opinion Works - stands at risk. A recent spate of quality control problems, product recalls, management turmoil and a painful round of layoffs is leading many here to worry if the plant is destined to go the way of automats, five cent Cokes and international socialism.

Mmmmm... Now That's Good Satire

So this Slashdot thread explains why niche operating systems aren't popular. It turns out that people want operating systems that have applications. Who knew, huh? I just loved the comments:

Thanks obviousman!

The correct name is "Captain Obvious". Pay more attention please!

No problem, it's all in a day's work for Captain Obvious and Readily Apparent Boy. Just in case you didn't get it from the name, Readily Apparent Boy is my sidekick. Oh yes, and you should probably know that even though I'm called "Captain Obvious", I do not actually hold the rank of captain in any professional military or police force. Nor am I licensed to skipper a fishing boat or cargo vessel- the name "Captain" is purely symbolic.

Now, I've got to warn people that it hurts to rub lemon juice into paper cuts! Quick! To the ObviousMobile!

In case you missed it, that's it parked over there. It's the twelve-wheeled vehicle with a rocket engine, eighteen strobe lights, that deafening siren, and a rotating sign on top that says "This is the ObviousMobile, property of Captain Obvious" in six foot tall neon orange letters. See it? Not the Civic. It's the one next to it.

Prison Guards Desecrate NY Times

Scrappleface:

Law enforcement authorities in major U.S. cities put riot police on high alert today after recently-jailed journalist Judith Miller complained that prison guards had desecrated her copy of The New York Times.

My Million Dollar Rap Music Idea

1. Find a southern rap singer to promote and re-name him Sweet T.
2. ???
3. Profit!

See also:
- My Million Dollar Salad Dressing Idea
- My Million Dollar Restaurant Idea
- Teddy's Million Dollar Doughnut Idea, and My Million Dollar Cell Phone Idea

They Stoledered My Idear, My Million Dollar Idear

From a Drudge Report Flash (meaning the URL may show different content in the future):

A lawsuit to be filed in Federal Court in Los Angeles on Wednesday claims AMERICAN IDOL star Simon Cowell and ABC Television Network conspired to steal the trademarked brand “Million Dollar Idea”, copy the entire premise of a show already airing in national syndication on over 125 television stations, and market that idea as their own.

The DRUDGE REPORT has learned, the federal case is being brought by original “Million Dollar Idea” creators/hosts Jean Golden and Todd Walker. It is a direct response to ABC’s July 13, 2005 announcement of a new show of the same name, “created” by Cowell and “packaged” by CAA.

Hey, everyone knows I invented the idea of the million dollar idea.

Let the Groaning Begin... Now

Found in a signature file: "You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead."

Or Chris Range's favorite joke, "Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."

Two Lightbulb Jokes on a Theme of Humorlessness

"The first Roberts’ Law - as developed by me - is: All of the knowledge in the Universe can be contained in a sufficiently large set of Light Bulb jokes."
 -- Robin Roberts

Michelle Malkin:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Connie du Toit:

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, that depends. Generally “screwing” anything is an individual effort best left to the individual to determine. It would depend on what type of libertarian we’re describing. Randian, Anarcho-socialist, anarcho-Capitalist, Capitalist, Free Market type (with support for military or against)... If you’re a strict Randian then it would be....

Katrina Helps Lousiana Regain Top Spot for "LA" Abbreviation

Beats out perennial contenders Los Angeles and Lower Alabama.

Teh 4unny

Iowahawk has his Nawlins News Niblets. Part Deux.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) today warned the Bush Administration against nominating a replacement for late Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist, saying that any additional members would risk upsetting the court's current precarious 4-3 balance.

"If we were to approve John Roberts or any other radical nominee for the Court's so-called 'vacancies,' we risk undoing the progress we have achieved through 216 years of democracy and thyroid cancer," he said.

"Instead of contaminating the court with new and dangerous nominees, the adminstration needs to help us protect our nation's current fragile legal ecosystem," added Reid. "Many of our current old growth justices are endangered, and we call on the President to fund research to preserve them, and possibly reanimate their corpses when necessary."

My Million Dollar Beer Name Idea

So there's the St. Pauli Girl, who looks like this:

I looked at that picture and wondered - don't we have a famous busty blonde in Tennessee? Yes. Yes, we do.

Eureka! The perfect name for an East Tennessee beer would be St. Dolly Girl (or St. Dolli Girl if you want to be pretentious). I'll leave it to others to do the Photoshops.

See also:
- My Million Dollar Rap Music Idea
- My Million Dollar Salad Dressing Idea
- My Million Dollar Restaurant Idea
- Teddy's Million Dollar Doughnut Idea, and My Million Dollar Cell Phone Idea

Go Read Greg Gutfeld

Raise Awareness of Raising Awareness of Raising Awareness! is his latest.

MEDICAL FACT: According to the Lancet, lack of awareness has contributed to 2.5 billion deaths. But the figure might actually BE HIGHER. "Because most people aren't aware of the link, they can't actually report it and then of course, they end up dead," says study author Greg Gutfeld. "Research has shown that being aware can save you from any number of bad situations where being unaware could be deadly."

The underlying philosophical thought behind raising awareness about raising awareness is that more people will be aware if you raise awareness about raising awareness. And that awareness, as any aware layman will agree, is key.

Gutfeld is probably the funniest conservative writer in the biz. Amazingly, he writes for the Huffington Post. We'll see how long that lasts. Enjoy it while you can.

Bonus!

- THE HUFFPO KIDS FUNNY PAGE SPECIAL!
- HUFFPO GUIDE TO GOOD AND EVIL
- HUFFPO FAQS!

A Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace

"And an Examination of the Actions Necessary to License, Regulate, or Abolish Entirely This Dreadful Peril on our Roads." Great satire by P.J. O'Rourke. This part reminds me of you know who:

5. I don't like the kind of people who ride bicycles
At least I think I don't. I don't actually know anyone who rides a bicycle. But the people I see on bicycles look like organic-gardening zealots who advocate federal regulation of bedtime and want American foreign policy to be dictated by UNICEF. These people should be confined.

Word of the Day: Strategic Caribou Reserve

Ace of Spades - "Strategic Caribou Reserve: House RINOs Scuttle ANWR Drilling":

Thanks to Sue Donhim for suggesting we rename ANWR the "Strategic Caribou Reserve."

It comforts me greatly to know that, should Canada ever attempt to choke our economy by embargoing the sale of caribou, we'll have plenty of those useless moss-covered simu-Bullwinkles* stored up to get us through the emergency.

* As Dennis Miller dubbed them.

Good point. You know what they say - America runs on caribou meat. Imagine caribou going above $3/pound. Envision cars lined up around the block hoping for a caribou shipment. The U.S must have a strategic caribou reserve to ensure domestic security. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't really love America.

Go to Blake's

And read The Legend of Chuck Norris.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

There are 12 more.

"Duck Harpooning Season!" "Rabbit Napalming Season!"

First it was bow season and blackpowder season. Now Pennsylvania is considering an atlatl season on deer. That's just one of the wacky new hunting seasons I'm proposing for Tennessee.

Nov 6-12: Goose blowdarting season
Nov 13-19: Bass dynamiting season
Nov 20-26: Raccoon electrocuting season
Nov 27-Dec 3: Turtle bayoneting season
Dec 4-10: Possum Tasering season*
Dec 11-17: Elk landmining season
Dec 18-25: Gopher mortaring season

* Hat tip to lauraw, who inspired this whole thing.