Les Jones

Wedding Plan Version 2.0

Whoops! Change of plans.

Melissa decided to start reserving hotel rooms for our June 7 wedding in Jonesborough. When she started making calls she discovered that another wedding party had booked all of the rooms in town. Jonesborough is a small town, so that's easier than it sounds.

Melissa has a small panic attack, but perseveres. After talking to hotels and to Patty at The Wedding Loft, Melissa moved the date to Saturday, August 16.

She also booked all 15 rooms at the Eureka Hotel and three rooms at Blair-Moore House. That should be plenty of rooms for friends and the Knoxville side of our families. Half of Melissa's family - the Moore side - live in the Tri-Cities area near Jonesborough, and probably won't need hotel rooms.

Friends who are interested in spending the night, please let us know so we'll set aside a room for you. The Eureka is a beatiful hotel, as you can see on their web site, with second-story porches front and back. They have a terrific back patio that we may use for the after-reception shindigs when all of the respectable people have gone home. Cost will be around a hundred dollars per room.

Other wedding news

Melissa bought a dress. I'm not allowed to see it, but apparently it's ivory, off the shoulder, and chapel length. What any of that means, I don't know, but her cousin Charla went with her, and she said it was beautiful. The same night, Melissa and I went on a double date with Jay (who lives in Maryville) and Charla (who lives in the Tri-Cities). Melissa and I think Jay will be upgrading his cell phone plan real soon. Jay and Charla are both in the wedding.

The same day Melissa bought the dress, we bought the engagement ring. We did things backwards, because I'm stupid about this stuff. My mom gave me her ring to give Melissa. I gave it to her as an engagment ring at Thanksgiving dinner, only to find out that it's a wedding ring, rather than an engagement ring. There's a difference? asks I.

Apparently modern engagement rings have one large stone, possibly surrounded by smaller stones. A wedding band is either a solid gold band with no stones, or a band of small stones like my mother's ring. So now I know in case I need to get married again. I mean, really, how useful is this information to a guy? I'm letting it go in one ear and out the other.

The engagement ring is an antique from Blair House in Knoxville, and dates to 1945, the same year my parents married. It matches the wedding ring really well, with a large stone in the center and two smaller stones on either side.

We're trying to decide on music for the reception, and a destination for the honeymoon. Any ideas?

I'm leaning towards a bluegrass string band for the music. There are lots of good ones around here. East Tennessee State University where Melissa is finishing her degree is nearby, and they offer a degree in bluegrass. The Down Home in Johnson City hosts a lot of good bands.

Wedding follow-up

Melissa sent me an email late last night after I had gone to bed:

Everything was crazy on Friday, so I wanted to send Patty a note to verify she actually changed the dates. That would be awful if she forgot to change it in the book!!! If something else major happens, we are going to Hawaii with my dress and getting married on the beach!

Terri Killeffer wrote me an email last night after reading Wedding Plan Version 2.0:

Isn't it amazing how much organizing goes into something that only takes a few minutes?

Let's see, honeymoon in August. Depends on if you're on a tight budget and short schedule. Iceland. Montreal is suppose to be neat. The Pacific NW and Vancover is cool also. Of course where we went was also cool - Wales and England. Where is the off season in August? New Orleans I know is discounted in August because it is 100% humidity and 100 degrees. Take a cruise on a small ship up the Rhine or somewhere. Those are available in several countries. As usual, I'm off dreaming of places to go. Go to Newfoundland and to I think it is Prince Edwards Island where many Acadians live (associated with Cajuns - French folks)

Iceland will be sounding pretty good in August. Speaking of Montreal, Melissa and I almost went there last year when she was living in Illinois. We've talked about a honeymoon to Niagara Falls and Canada. Alaska looks great, too. Dave Attell had tons of fun when Insomniac was in Fairbanks.

Melissa wants to go to Paris, but I'm agin it for this trip. No time to learn French. Maybe for an anniversary.

I'm starting to customize the blog. I added a hit counter and quote rotater, courtesy of HostedScripts. Now that I've poked around the template code I can see how the Blogger commands work, so I can start changing the layout.

What I don't know about weddings would fill a book

Melissa asked me if I'd look at a wedding magazine after dinner tonight. She and her bridesmaids are going to get measured for dresses in Jonesborough this weekend, so she wanted me to look at bridesmaid's dresses.

I agreed. Secretly, I wanted to say, "Look. I'll like most of these. Mostly, I don't have an opinion on this stuff. I can stand about five minutes of this, but that's it."

But I didn't say that. I figured it wouldn't last long. How long could it take to skim through a bridal magazine? Obviously, I had never looked at Modern Bride. It's 706 pages! It's The Computer Shopper of wedding crap. It's the Sears Roebuck catalog of wedding porn.

We started skimming Modern Bride. Page 1. Followed by Page 2, which inevitably precedes Page 3. Only 703 pages to go!

"Why don't you look through it, and bookmark the bridesmaid's dresses you like and show them to me later?" Nope. I thought the navy dresses were nice. So were the burgundy dresses. And the lavender dresses. And the sage dresses. All fine, honey.

Only two kinds of dresses got a rise out of me. The red one ("it's kind of whorish, isn't it?") and the deep/hot pink/magenta ("it looks like bad lingerie").

Other than that, we looked at lots of dresses, lots of bridesmaids, and lots of brides. Blonde brides. Brunette brides. Asian brides. The model who looked like Courtney Love. The model with the bad nose and the Frankenstein forehead. Now that I think about it, there were no no black brides. Do they have a separate but equal bridal magazine?

Melissa showed me what a "chapel length" dress looks like.

Me: Man, that's long.
Melissa: It's not as long as a cathedral length dress.
Me: Is there something longer than that?
Melissa: Yeah, it's called a long as hell dress.

We looked at bouquets, and Melissa says she's thinking about roses. I chuckle.

Melissa: What are you laughing at?
Me: What if you throw the bouquet and whoever grabs it gets a fist full of thorns?
Melissa: You don't throw the real bouquet. The florist makes a second bouquet for you to throw. You save the real bouquet and have it freeze-dried.

What I don't know about weddings would fill a book. I lasted for 30 minutes, and made it through all 706 pages. I'm a good fiance. Heck, I even checked the dictionary to see how to spell bridesmaid (it's one word) and fiance (it's one "e" for the guy and two "e's" for the gal). If I ever have to get married again, it's going to be a breeze.

The lighter side of the ball and chain

The Onion has a great fake story, and the fake dateline is even set in Knoxville, TN: Breakup Hints Misinterpreted as Marriage-Proposal Hints.

KNOXVILLE, TN—Amanda Gentry, 25, has misinterpreted longtime boyfriend Wilson Crandall's recent breakup hints - including erratic behavior and strange, cryptic remarks about their future - as marriage-proposal hints.

"I can tell Wilson is getting ready to pop the question," Gentry said. "The last few weeks, he's been acting so weird. He keeps saying he needs to 'take stock of his life' and 'face some important decisions he's been putting off.' I hear wedding bells!"

Gentry has also misinterpreted Crandall's recent frugality as an effort to save up money for the future.

"It's so cute how he's trying to cut back on expenses," Gentry said. "We never go out to dinner anymore, or the movies, or even the bars. He must be working on one doozy of a rock."

Americans, married by Americans

There's going to be a new reality TV show called Married by America:

"MARRIED BY AMERICA" (tentative title) is a groundbreaking reality-based show that invites the viewing audience to be your personal matchmaker.

With the help of relationship experts, potential mates will be hand picked, especially for you.

Then, your closest friends and family will have the chance to meet these singles, and winnow them down to two.

All the while the home audience will be getting to know you and what you're looking for in love, so they can weigh in and make the final decision - which of these partners is right for you.

I told Melissa we should sign up. If America picks us to get married we'll get a free wedding out of the deal. If we're not picked, then we'll accept the opinion of complete strangers and go our separate ways.

Here in my car

Wow, I've written a ton about travel lately. Time for something different.

I'm shopping for a (newer) car. My Camry blew an engine and a lot of other parts last year, and I don't want to put any more money into it.

Initially I was looking at other sedans, but now I've decided to get a station wagon or small SUV. We need something that can haul big things, like the desk we bought for Melissa's computer. I'm tired of borrowing her dad's truck or Jay's Cherokee. Having one 4WD in the family would be nice, too. Here are the cars I've tried and a quick review of each.

Criteria: 1999 or newer, around $15,000 or less, and 50,000 miles or fewer. For me, Melissa, friends, family, a dog, and a baby or two in a year or two. No wimpy cars. It has to get me to work everyday, and be comfortable for our road trips.

Car Buying Resources

• Car and Driver - White Snow and the 11 Dwarves - excellent test of 11 small SUVs and AWD wagons.
• Carfax automotive history - Using the VIN (vehicle identification number) posted in the car's windshield, Carfax will check for odometer rollback, wreck history, insurance claims, title history and more. A one month subscription with unlimited searches is just $19.00. That's a bargain compared to the expense of fixing a lemon, or finding out that your "creampuff" has a junk salvage title or flood history.
• Carfax Used Car Search - The unsung jewel of the Carfax site. Their used car search service is the most comprehensive I've found. Even better, all of the cars listed have a free Carfax report attached.
• Cartalk web site from Click and Clack.
• Consumer Reports Auto Section - Comprehensive tests and reliability surveys. Consumer Reports accepts no advertising, so their reviews and advice are unbiased. Because there's no advertising, they require a subscription to access most information.

Subaru Resources

• Outback FAQ
• Replacing the factory stereo in a Subaru Legacy Outback
• Subaru Shrine
• Unofficial Subaru Legacy Outback Home Page

Bridesmaids Dresses

This is the bridesmaids dress Melissa picked for the wedding.

And here are the dresses she didn't pick.

Uglydress.com

The best of Uglydress.com:

The Flat Chest

Grandma's Tablecloth

The Ass Widener

Pucker Champion. Group Photo

I had never heard of bridesmaids *skirts*.

The Slutbag

Big Ass, Short Skirt

And from the I Dream of Jeanie collection:

Ouch. Belly Dancer?

The Best for Last

Sunday Morning, with your host Les Jones

Melissa came into my office while I was on the computer.

"When are we going to my mom's?"
"As soon as I finish my morning private time to read and write."
"I didn't know you had Sunday morning private time."
"I have private time every morning. This is private time Sunday edition, with Charles Kuralt."

Gone Camping

No blogging this weekend. We're going camping at Eagle Creek Campground/Lost Cove/Campsite 90 in the Smokies. I backpacked there a few years ago. This time we're chartering a boat from Fontana Dam on Saturday. On Sunday we're slackpacking: hiking back, but putting our gear on the boat and picking it up at the marina.

New to the Quotes File

If your cat had narcolepsy how could you tell?
- Mark Thomas

There's two kinds of people in this word: the quick and the hungry.
- Gregory family saying

There are...two ways of improvement, to wit by one's own disasters or those of others; the former is the more vivid, the latter is the less harmful.
- Polybius

I for one, find gambling, women and booze wonderful. Unless of course, I lose, they hate me, or I'm already hung-over. Then I despise the entire lot of 'em.
- TheDystopian, on Plastic

The conservationist is someone who built his cabin in the woods last year; the developer is someone who wishes to build his this year.
- unknown

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark where they will mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
- Unknown

A woman needs four animals in her life. A mink in the closet. A jaguar in the garage. A tiger in bed. And an ass to pay for it all.
- Anne Slater

France is like someone who’s been given a glimpse of the future, sees himself committing suicide, and resolves to spend his remaining days making it look like murder.
- James Lileks

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
- Winston Churchill

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
- Unknown

I read recently that there is a prion disease where you suffer months of insomnia before dying a slow, agonizing death from neural degeneration. So make sure you bookmark that link. If you ever get that disease, you'll want to print out some OMG standards documents and force yourself to read them. It could save your life someday.
- MillionthMonkey, on Slashdot

After the Camping Trip: the Dragon's Run and the Three Gorges Dam

The camping trip was great. The chartered boat whisked us to our campsite, and we enjoyed great weather, great good, and a little Nerf football. Lindy made me a cool duct tape wallet, which is one of hundreds of uses for that miracle fabric.

The boat charter went off without a hitch, and the pickup was right on time. The round trip cost is $40 for one person, but it's just $45 for two people, and for the seven of us it was just $24 each. The Fontana marina also rents boats - $45 a day for a John boat, $55 an hour for a $30,000 ski boat, or $295 a day for an excellent pontoon boat. The marina also services campsite 86/Hazel Creek. There's a self-registration stand next to the marina where you can get your free backcountry permits.

The drive took us through Highway 129, including the infamous stretch known as the Dragon's Run, which I mentioned in the Townsend traveller's guide. In 11 miles the road convulses through 318 sick turns that attract driving enthusiasts, and especially sport bikes. We got to see some great motorcycle riding, and a stream of Honda SR2000s that were touring the mountains. If you're prone to carsickness, take Dramamine. One of our intrepid travellers puked at around turn number 210.

Parts of the Robert Mitchum classic Thunder Road were filmed in these curves, as were other movies. The run goes from Chilhowee Lake in Tennessee to Deal's Gap in North Carolina. Deal's Gap is home to the Deal's Gap Motorcycle Resort, with a convenience store that stocks bike parts, a biker-friendly hotel, and a repair shop.

Coincidentally, the Knoxville News-Sentinel featured the Dragon's Run in the Sunday travel section in an article by Wayne Bledsoe. The print version shows a photo of the Tree of Shame, decorated with parts from bikes that were slain by the dragon. Bledsoe also mentions the Cherohola Challenge, a 115-mile bicycle route that goes through the Dragon's Run and the Cherohola Skyway.

We encountered a few bicyclists, including some at the Fontana Village restaurant who had already done about 60 miles. When we encountered a bicyclist on a turn in the Dragon's Run we damn near hit her. I mentioned to Jay that if there had been a car in the other lane there would have been nowhere to go but over the bicycle. Riding a bicycle on a 55 MPH route with that many blind turns is just another kind of suicide. The advantage, I guess, it that unlike other forms of suicide, it keeps its practicioners healthy, fit, and attractive right up until the fatal moment.

I've been a pedestrian, a bicyclist, a hiker, a horseback rider, and a car driver, and I have a firm opinion: different modes of transportation don't mix. That's why sidewalks are good, bike lanes are good, and designated horse trails are good. Separating different modes of transportation into separate traffic reduces conflict and the potential for injury.

Highway 129 passes a series of dams: Chilhowee, Calderwood, and Fontana. They're impressive dams, but the biggest dam on Earth has just started filling up. More on that later.

Tales From the Honey-Do File: Installing a Cat Flap

Cat flaps are the greatest. Cats can go outside for sunshine and fresh catnip. They can come inside for kibble, water, and climate-controlled comfort.

You'll like it because you won't have to let the cats in and out, and you won't have to clean the litter box as often. When it was just Milo and me, we didn't even have a litter box. When Melissa and I moved in together her cats were used to one, so we keep it around, but they hardly use it, especially in warm weather.

When Melissa and I go out of town for the weekend, we take the dog to her mom's, but we don't have to worry about the cats. With continuous feeders and a cat flap they're fine for two or three days.

A few years ago my brother Eric put the first cat flap in the door going from the utility room to the outside. As I later discovered, that meant having to leave the door open between the kitchen (which is nice and new and clean and peaceful) and the utility room (which is old and shabby and messy and noisy). The new cat flap goes in the door between those two rooms, and makes the house quieter and cleaner. It probably reduces our energy bills, because the utility room isn't heated.

Total project time: about an hour with setup and cleanup
Cost: $20 for the cat flap
Tools:

• Saber saw (nee Skil saw)
• Sawhorses
• Hammer and screwdriver to take door off hinges
• Electric drill (optional)

Instructions

The Ideal brand cat flap I used includes a tracing template. There are two small tricks to choosing where to lay that template on the door. Both relate to the fact that a hole in a door can weaken it.

Trick Number One: trace the cat flap on the door's panels (the thin parts), not on the door's frame (the thick parts). Trick Number Two: trace the bottom of the flap 5 to 6 inches from the bottom of the door so you won't compromise the bottom of the door frame. That's the distance Ideal recommends, and it turns out to be the right height for the cats. Notice how in the pictures they're looking right through the flap.

If you aren't experienced with a saber saw, there's one other trick you may need to know. How do you get the saw started in the interior of a door? I used a cordless drill and a large bit to drill a starting hole a little bigger than a pencil. You can also plunge saw. Rest the saw at an angle to the wood, with the front of the saw's metal platform touching the wood. Then press the trigger and gradually tilt the saw blade into the wood.

Movie: Milo's First Trip Through the New Cat Flap

AVI Format Movie (1.5 Mbytes)
QuickTime Format Movie (1.8 Mbytes)

If you watch the movie, you'll see Melissa's hands holding Milo up to the flap. You'll also hear me mumbling "action." Also, this was actually the third or fourth attempt at capturing this special moment on film. When I was in biology, this is what we called nature fakery. It really makes you respect the guys on the Discovery channel. I'll bet the orangutans show up to work stoned, and the rhinos are all catty prima donnas who sleep with each other's boyfriends.

Fine Points of Having a Cat Door

The Ideal cat flaps have a lock, so you can leave the flap totally open, totally locked, or set it so the cats can go in but not out, or out but not in. Why? Well, for instance, if the cats have a vet appointment the next morning you might want them to be able to come in, but not go back out so you'll be able to find them in the morning.

The lock is slightly problematic. The cats sometimes trip it and lock themselves out. I generally wedge something into the lock to keep it in the open position.

I've seen opossums, raccoons, skunks and ground hogs in my yard. When I first put in a cat flap I was worried about other animals coming into the house. After four years we finally had another animal come inside. It was a grey cat. The other cats are apparently friends with it, judging from the fact they don't raise a fuss (though the dog does).

To avoid unlawful animal entry, PetSafe makes a line of electronic pet doors. They won't open unless they sense a signal from a special collar your pet wears. It strikes me as too expensive and too complicated to rely on, but it's another option.

We Booked Our Honeymoon!

We just finalized our plans for the honeymoon. (Yeah, we were kind of pushing it with the wedding being just 33 days from now, which is why I'm relieved.) Seven nights in New York at the Drake, with a flight out of Knoxville.

I was price shopping on Expedia and found what I thought were great rates. Melissa - who's the travel genius in our soon-to-be family - checked American Airlines Advantage, which she's a member of. Result: she saved $200 right off the bat with the exact same package, plus she could apply her air miles - saving another $157, plus she earned 141,000 air miles, so the tickets for our next vacation won't cost a thing.

I'm marrying a smart gal.

Wedding Information for Melissa Moore and Les Jones

Welcome to all of our wedding guests. This page has information about the wedding, along with driving directions, hotel, and registry information.

NEWS If you are coming from Knoxville or Maryville, please see the important driving directions below. TDOT is working on the Holston River Bridge, so you do not want to take I-40 out of Knoxville because of delays of an hour or more.

NEWS As of today (Sunday, August 10) there are still two rooms available in the hotel. We hope someone can use these rooms. If no one takes them, we'll still have to pay for them. Price with tax is $130.

Wedding Location

The wedding will be in historic Jonesborough, the oldest town in Tennessee. Driving directions are below.

The ceremony will be at the Gazebo in Mill Spring Park. We will gather beforehand at the Wedding Loft, a building and house from the 1840s, which is about one block from the park. Everything in Jonesborough is within easy walking distance of everything else.

In the event of rain, we will have the ceremony at the Wedding Loft. The reception will be in the courtyard and residence at the Wedding Loft.

Jonesborough is a wonderful town with many shops, restaurants and historic buildings. Come to town early and enjoy yourself before the wedding. The main, historical part of town is about six short blocks, so once you park your car you can go everywhere on foot. It's a sleepy town, so best explore it on Saturday afternoon when everything is open.

Phone Numbers and Help With Directions

If you need help with driving directions or locating the Wedding Loft or Mill Spring Park, please call the Wedding Loft.

Wedding Loft - (423) 753-2903
Eureka Hotel - (877) 734-6100 (toll-free)
Blair-Moore House - 888-453-0044 (toll-free)
The Bistro - 423-788-0244

Parking

There is free parking around the courthouse on the weekend, and there is a large, free parking lot between the courthouse and the railroad tracks.

Lodging

We have booked all of the rooms at the beautiful Eureka Hotel and Blair-Moore House, which are next to one another. Both are two short blocks from the Wedding Loft. A few rooms are still available for guests who would like to spend the night in Jonesborough.

Wedding Schedule

Thursday, August 14 (Groomsmen Only)

Groomsmen, father of the bride pick up tuxes from Wedding Wonderland

Friday, August 15 (Wedding Party Only)

3:00 PM - Check-in for guests of the Eureka Hotel and Blair-Moore House
6:00 PM - Rehearsal at the Wedding Loft
8:00 PM - Rehearsal dinner at the Bistro

Saturday, August 16 (Day of the Wedding)

3:00 PM - Check-in for guests of the Eureka Hotel and Blair-Moore House
6:00 PM - Wedding at the Wedding Loft
7:00 PM - Reception at the Wedding Loft
9:00 PM - Reception Ends

We have reserved the garden courtyard behind the Eureka Hotel, and can gather there after the formal reception. The hotel also has beautiful second-story balconies. We've reserved the entire hotel for guests of the wedding, so we won't be interrupting other guests.

Sunday, August 17

11:00 PM - Check-out for guests of the Blair-Moore House
12:00 PM Noon - Check-out for guests of the Eureka Hotel

Gifts and Wedding Registry

We are registered at Proffitt's and Target.

Another option is a check. That may be considered crass by some people, but really, a check and a nice card would be great. Weddings are expensive, and since we're in our thirties we're footing most of the bills, not our parents. When we get back from the honeymoon fall semester will start and it will be time to pay tuition. Needs before wants.

There's another difference when you get married in your thirties. We already had most of the necessities of domesticity. When we moved in together we had to combine two households worth of stuff and make it fit into one house. There's a limit to how many domestic possessions two people need, and we're pretty close to it.

Driving Directions

Warning for guests coming from Knoxville or Maryville - The Holston River bridge is under construction and there could be long delays on I-40E (just past Asheville Highway). Possible 1 hour delay on Saturday.

Alternate Route - John Sevier Highway to Straw Plains Pike. Turn right onto Straw Plains Pike to I-40E.

Take I-40E to exit 421. This will put you on I-81 North. Once on I-81 North go 23 miles and take exit 23 (the Greeneville/Bulls Gap exit). At the end of the exit ramp, turn right onto Highway 11-E toward Greeneville. Take 11-E
approximately 35 miles through Greeneville then to Jonesborough.

At the signal light (at Shell Station) in Jonesborough, turn right onto Boone Street. Go approximately 3 blocks. At the stop sign, turn right onto Main Street.

The wedding will be at the gazebo in Mill Spring Park. This will be the first road on the left, but there is limited parking. There is a large parking lot behind the Court House and it is free parking (on the left on Main Street). The reception will be at the Wedding Loft. It is located on the right as you turn onto Main Street from Boone Street. It will be prior to the court house. In case of rain the wedding will be moved to the Wedding Loft.

Cell Phones

WIRELESS FACTOR: Cell phone number portability still on track for November 24th. Have you ever wanted to change cell carriers, but didn't want the hassle of giving your friends a new number and printing new business cards? Help may be right around the corner.

November 24th is the deadline for cell phone carriers to offer cell phone number portability. The rules were first announced in 1996 for implementation in 1999. Court battles have delayed action. Traditional land line numbers are already portable, and many countries already have cell phone number portability.

WIRED: 7.5 million Americans have given up land lines to use cell phones exclusively.

MONEY MAGAZINE: Which carrier has the best cell phone service?

PS: Has anyone else noticed their Sprint PCS phone turning off for no reason? I thought it was my battery, but the same thing has happened to several of my friends using a variety of Sprint phones.

No blogging today Have to

No blogging today

Have to save my energy for the bachelor party.

No blogging today, either Recovering

No blogging today, either

Recovering from the bachelor party.

Actually, that was yesterday. And what fun the party was. Melissa and our moms are in Jonesborough today, taking care of final details and having lunch at the restaurant where we've booked the rehearsal dinner. I'm putting together a wedding page with directions and such. More later.

Wedding Information

I've posted a page of Wedding Information, including directions and links.

Important Driving Notice - if you are coming from Knoxville or Maryville, please read the information about I-40. Construction on the Holston River bridge could delay you by an hour or more. We have a suggestion for an alternate route that avoids the construction.

A Dream

I got up about 4:30 and then went back to bed. Just before the alarm went off I had a dream.

Melissa and I were vacationing in some exotic location. Towards the end of the dream, two Englishmen were telling us a good place to go snorkeling. Earlier in the dream, we're talking to someone with a Hawaiian accent. The little scriptwriter in my head that composes dreams is, I'm sorry to say, a bit of a hack. My dreams often have discongruities and plot holes that wouldn't stand up to repeated viewings, which is probably why he works in such ephemeral media.

To get to our first destination, we had to cross a swinging plank bridge with ropes on each side. This bridge had a steep arch in the middle we had to ascend. (Swinging bridges can't have arcs, a fact that my scriptwriter is apparently ignorant of, or maybe he was exercising creative license in this fluid medium.) After we struggled to the top, Melissa slid down the other side, rocketing to the bottom as she tried to grasp the ropes.

She arrested her fall and made her way back up to me. As we descended to shore, the bridge became unsteady and began twisting around and around. I remember the sensation of being upside down then right side up.

After the bridge stopped twisting, we headed down. I reached land first. Then the bridge broke. Melissa jumped clear into the water and swam to shore. I was glad she was a good swimmer.

You don't think this is my brain's way of dealing with the wedding in four days, do you? Nah.

Blackouts and Honeymoons

Blackouts in the northeast tonight. Guess where our honeymoon is? New York.

Actually, I'm not too concerned at this point. Power is coming back online. Our plane doesn't leave until Monday, and historically rolling blackouts like this only last a day or two. This isn't like Memphis, where some people are still without power from a tornado more than a month ago. In the Memphis case, lots of infrastructure was damaged.

If worse comes to worse, we'll cancel and go somewhere else. That $74 cancellation insurance sure seems like a bargain now.

I really like the attitude of this guy on Slashdot, discussing the blackout:

Actually with Mars being so close it will give people in big cities a very rare chance to see this site without all the light polution by which they are normally surrounded.

By golly, that's the spirit!

PS Haloscan (the folks who provide comments for my blog) are moving servers and changing IP addresses, so comments are down for some people. Once your ISP/DNS server gets the new IP address, everything should just start working again. I couldn't see comments this morning, but I can see them again now.

Off to Get Married

By the time you read this we'll have pulled out of the driveway.

We almost had a major snafu. We went to get our marriage license today at the Blount County courthouse. We filled out the paperwork, and they submitted the claim on their computers. We wandered around the courthouse, looking at old photographs while the job was processed.

While we were wandering, the lights went out. We went back, and luckily our approval had come back just before the power failed. Another minute and we'd have been sunk.

Power was out across Maryville. Melissa's parents in Seymour are without power, too, though the lights were still on when we got home to Louisville.

And we haven't even gotten to New York yet. Youch. Wish us luck, and think good thoughts.

It's Official, We're Hitched

Melissa and I are husband and wife. I couldn't be happier.

The wedding went great. None of the awful things we worried about happened. The weather - so suffocatingly hot at the rehearsal on Friday - was at least ten degrees cooler on Saturday, and a breeze stirred up before the ceremony. We had a pinch or rain about 20 minutes after the ceremony, but it stopped.

Later - after the cutting of the cake, the toasts, the throwing of the bouquet and garter - it came a nice short storm, but it was actually nice and cozy. Some folks who were thinking about leaving early for other obligations had a good excuse to stay under the canopies a little longer.

It was a wonderful wedding and reception and party. Patty at the Wedding Loft ran everything without a hitch and I'd highly recommend her to anyone scheduling a wedding. Tammy and Jack at the Blair-Moore House were wonderful, and we plan on going back for more of their hospitality and cooking. Dennis Hamm, the minister, was great, and his sense of humor put us at ease at a time when we needed it. (Several people asked about Dennis's denomination. He is Lutheran.)

I'd like to thank everyone in the wedding party for helping make this special day possible - lovely bridesmaids Charla, Rene, and Tammy; and stalwart groomsmen Jay, Steve, and Tony. Special thanks to Tammy and Jay for their thoughful toasts at the reception. Ian sang beautifully, and on short notice and a capella, too. Thanks to Allison for helping the groom's party stay cool before the ceremony.

We got home around 2:30 today and took a nap. We've finished up the loose ends here and we're packed for New York. The cab is coming in five hours to take us to the airport.

I'll probably hop online once or twice this week to check email and post to the site. Steve Killeffer and Chris Range will guest blog while I'm gone.

Macular Degeneration

I took my mom to a new doctor today to see if he could do anything for her vision. She's 77 and is legally blind due to age-related macular degeneration and cataracts. The cataracts would be easy to treat, except that you're apparently not supposed to have cataract surgery while you have macular degeneration. (There's at least one study saying that cataract surgery is OK, but that study reviewed cases of mild MD.)

One eye is almost completely blind, even after surgery. She's had several surgeries in the other eye, but the doctor now thinks he can't do anything else for her. She's also taken Lutein, which is supposed to help. There's a "wet" and "dry" version of MD. She has the wet type. The surgeries were mostly laser surgeries to seal off blood vessels.

The new doctor's specialty is helping patients deal with low vision. After some extensive testing and interviews, mom tried a few things to help her see. The simplest is a couple of lighted magnifying lenses, one big for the house, and another small for her purse so she can read restaurant menus. They use excellent German optics and are much better than the dimestore style. As my brother put it, you can see a serial number on a pubic hair.

Another option is the "Jordi." It's a video camera and close-proximity viewing screen, with a belt-mounted battery pack with zoom controls up to 10x. It's head-mounted, much like a headlamp used for caving. Using the Jordi, she can see clearly at a distance. It's too awkward for everyday use, but would be useful for watching movies in the theater or taking in the scenery outdoors.

The video unit can be mounted on a scanner device with a movable stage (like a microfiche reader) for viewing documents and writing checks. The video signal is output to a television or computer monitor.

Another nice thing about the Jordi is that it accepts feeds from other video devices, like DVDs and VCRs, so she can watch TV, which is difficult now. We're moving her TVs around this week, so she can watch the biggest TV in the den instead of the living room. Total cost for the Jordi is $3,000 for the setup, including a video monitor. She's thinking about it.

Mom is actually doing really well through all of this. It's been scary for her, but she has a good sense of humor about it.

She's also pretty smart. During the interview, she was asked how she handles money when she has trouble seeomg the numbers. It turns out she puts different denominations in different slots in her billfold. If she's at a store where she doesn't know the cashier, she'll say out loud - with enough volume that other customers can hear - "Was that a 20 dollar bill I gave you?" She's also learned the number of steps between rooms for those times after surgery when her vision is especially bad.

I'm posting this as a "what's going on" post, but also to inform, and to get more info from anyone who has experience with macular degenaration in their family.

Gone Camping in the Reverse Zoo

Melissa and I are taking advantage of the long weekend and great weather to go backpacking in the Smokies. I'll post again Tuesday. Meanwhile, there are some posts below from this weekend.

We're taking Melissa's cousin Charla and her kids, 5 year old Joseph and 8 year old Lorissa. (That's them cleaning out the pumpkin prior to me carving the Jack-O-Lantern. We toasted the seeds to take on the trip as a snack.) Charla and the kids have never been camping, so this will be a treat. The hike in is about two miles, but it's a very mild grade. It's a perfect distance to feel a sense of accomplishment, but not so far as to be difficult.

We're spending the night at one of the backcountry shelters in the park. The shelter has three stone walls, with the fourth wall made from a chain link fence with a locked gate to keep bears out at night. It's sort of a reverse zoo, with people locked up in the cages, and the wild animals roaming free on the outside. There are two wooden sleeping decks, one above the other, so you don't have to sleep on the ground.

Shelters are great for new backpackers. They offer more reassurance than a nylon tent, and there are other people there. I've always had the good fortune to meet really nice people in the shelters. If you camp at shelters along the Appalachian Trail you meet through-hikers going from Georgia to Maine (or vice versa), and they tend to be interesting folks.

Happy Thanksgiving

Our holiday weekend has started. Charla's kids are staying with us tonight. We made pizza and played Yahtzee. We're keeping Melissa's grandmother's dog while she's visiting relatives in Kentucky, so it's a full house.

Tomorrow it's Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house. She's thrilled to have it. Her vision is deteriorating, and this could be her last year to make Thanksgiving dinner entirely on her own. Two years ago it was an early turkey day at Melissa's mom's, then a late dinner at my mom's. Last year it was a combined family Thanksgiving at mine and Melissa's house.

Mom's making the turkey, Melissa's making the ham, and I'm trying my hand at duck. My dad was a big fan of duck, and I learned to like it at an early age. If you're in Knoxville, By the Tracks Bistro has a lip-smackingly good duck dish. In fact, one of the ways I try to spot good restaurants is to check the menu and see if they serve the excellent fowl.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm going to blog very little or not at all over the holiday weekend so I can spend time with friends and family. I hope you can do the same.

Christmas Shopping

So I've always procrastinated on Christmas shopping. This year Melissa talked me into doing early bird Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. We got up at 6:00 and sleepily put together a plan of attack.

Do $29 DVD players really exist?
Wal-Mart was advertising $29 Apex DVD players for early birds. (I have friends with Apex DVD players, and they work great.) Sears had them for $27. We were going to West Town Mall anyway, so we decided to hunt the bigger bargain at Sears. (LATER: it's probably a good thing we didn't go to Wal-Mart for those DVD players.)

When we showed up at 8:15, the $27 Apex DVD players were sold out. Also sold out were the $40 Koss DVD players. To prevent any riots, Sears marked the $60 Koss units down to $40. Those had sold out, too, so the manager marked the $69 Samsung players down to $49. There were only three left. We bought two of those, and a couple of Spider-Man and Little Princess kid's overnight bags. It wasn't yet 9:00 and we had already bought Christmas presents for four people on our list. Last year it took us a week to do that much Christmas shopping.

Next!
Next on our plan was Kohl's, which had early bird specials until 10:00 AM. Most of their clothes were half off or more, and they were giving out $10 coupons for every $50 spent. We parked between Kohl's and Old Navy, so we went from one to another. Old Navy saved us last year: we bought clothes for infants, kids and grownups, size T1 to age 101. We found lots of good kid's stuff at both stores. It was 10:40. We marked five more names off the Christmas shopping list.

Next we went back to the mall for an assault on Proffitt's, which had early bird specials until noon. Most people worry about traffic on the biggest shopping day of the year, but Knoxville traffic wasn't bad at all, even at West Town. Proffitt's parking, on the other hand, was atrocious. Driving around looking for an empty space turned out to be a rookie mistake. We finally came up with a winning strategy: drive right up to the Proffitt's entrance and follow people to their cars as they leave the store, then get their space when they pull out.

By noon we finished most of our Christmas shopping for the year and had bought ourselves a new set of stainless cookwear. Lunch was a Chicago hot dog and beer at Frank &Stein's in the food court, and it felt great to sit down and take a load off our feet. Melissa had to talk me into shopping early today, but getting all those Christmas presents bought early felt great, and the stores had really good deals. I'd do it again next year.

P.S. Silliest gift we saw: a $60 S'More Maker. Second silliest gift: a $60 Smoothie Maker, which - surprise, surprise - looked a lot like a blender.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has a great Christmas.

Melissa and I got up at 6:00 this morning. We're going to Kingsport with her parents to be with her dad's side of the family for Christmas. We had the rest of the family over last night for Christmas Eve dinner. I hope everyone can be with their families over the holidays.

Kitchen Blogging Mayhem

Glenn started it, asking about All-Clad vs. Emirilware (by All-Clad) at half the price. Now Stephen Green has chimed in, and Glenn responded and opened comments for the first time in forever.

Melissa and I registered for All-Clad for our wedding. We only got a couple of pieces, though, and when it came time to pony up for the rest, we couldn't bring ourselves to spend $550 for a 10-piece set (that's 10 pieces including lids!). Worse, if we decided to buy an extra piece at some point it was going to cost about $100 per. And we weren't even sure we would like stainless cookwear.

We decided to live below our means and buy Proffitt's Living Quarters stainless cookwear to test the waters. A 16-piece set was $179 (minus a day-after-Thanksgiving discount of 15%). It's not quite as hernia-inducingly heavy as All-Clad, but it's stainless steel and has riveted handles. We like it. We also kept one of the All-Clad pans for comparison. It will have to be a lot better than the cheap stuff for us to replace the cheap stuff with All-Clad.

We do most of our frying with Melissa's cheap iron skillet from Wal-Mart. When we moved in together I had a set of Lodge cast iron cookwear, but it's heavier and not as stick-proof as the no-name Wal-Mart skillet, so it's now in the yard sale box. I wanted to like the Lodge stuff because it's made in Tennessee, but it never measured up to Melissa's skillet, or to the older-than-I-am cornbread skillet my mom gave me as a house-warming present when I bought my house.

I also have a set of 6- and 10-quart Kirby &Allen stainless stock pots I bought brand new at a yard sale for a dollar each. They're great for making big pots of soup or cooking a wort for home brew.

How Are You Supposed to Measure Love?!

The other day Melissa told me she loved me, and I said I loved her, too.

"How much do you love me?" she asked.

Intead of stretching out my arms and saying "thiiiiiiiiiiis much" I thought about it for a split-second and said "100 gigabytes."

She liked that answer. And if there's a better unit for measuring love I obviously haven't found it.

Switched from Sprint PCS to Verizon

I made the leap today. So far, so good. The cell phone number portability act went into effect last November. When you switch cell phone carriers, you can keep your cell number.

How well does it work? I signed the contract at 4:30 PM. The salesman said it would probably take a day to switch the number to the new phone on Verizon, or maybe two days since it was the weekend.

At 8:00 PM we were driving to the Old City and I though to ask Melissa to try calling my number. It rang my new phone. In less than four hours I changed cell phones and cell phone carriers. That's pretty darned slick.

My One Morsel of Marriage Advice

I've only been married for seven months, so I can't offer much. But here's my humble bit of advice for everyone who's about to get married (or shacked up, or unionized, etc.).

Get a King-sized bed.

No joke. Sleeping in bed with someone every night takes some getting used to, and it's a whole lot easier with a big bed.

(Why do I mention this? A friend of mine is getting married and we were discussing their plans for merging their furniture and buying new furniture.)

Melissa and I Are Having a Baby in September

Good news. We're having a baby. This is the first for either of us, and the first grandbaby on either side of the family.

The ultrasound is from 10 weeks, and we're at 16 weeks now. Due date is September 28. In another month we'll have the ultrasound that can tell us the baby's gender.

Melissa's having a pretty easy pregnancy as pregnancies go. We had a little scare here, but everything checked out OK. She's finishing this semester, then doing a 3-week summer term, then she'll have the baby this fall and go back in the spring.

It's a Girl! Probably...

Had the 20 week ultrasound today, and the ultrastenographer says it's a girl. I say probably in the headline because people keep telling us stories of the 20 week ultrasound being wrong.

When people asked Melissa what she wanted, she said a monkey. Me, I wanted an over-and-under shotgun. I'm not sure why all these people were suddenly interested in our desires. Oh, but baby-wise we're glad to have a healthy baby of either sex.

Now that we probably know the gender we have to pick a name. Our friend Tony said if it's a boy we should name it Thundaar. Since it's a girl I guess we'll call it Thundaara. Unless, you know, we somehow think of a better name. (I'm still holding out for the next ultrasound in four weeks before I get serious about name-pickin'. I had Cash picked out as a name for a boy, in deference to my maternal grandmother's maiden name, Fannie McCash.)

PS Watching the Friends finale right now. Chandler and Monica's surrogate mother/adoption mother (I haven't watched the show for a while so I'm a little unclear) just had surprise twins. After going through the parenting process circa 2004 I don't find it believable that anyone wouldn't know they were having twins. Ultrasounds have relegated that storyline to Nick at Night re-runs.

Naming Babies on the Road

Here's a way to solve our dilemma about naming the baby. Close your eyes, spin the vanity license plate rack at the Stuckey's on I-95, and point.

Years from now when our daughter asked why she doesn't have a Biblical name like her friend Mary, we could have told her that Stuckey's was all out of Mary license plates at the time. Blame it on a crummy inventory management system. Good thing we're not having a boy this time. They were all out of Bort license plates, too.

If Melissa had pointed to the alphabetically out of place Angel, would that have been a sign?

Julia Roberts' Twins

So Julia Roberts is reportedly nine weeks pregnant with twins - one boy and one girl. Question - how do they know? Ultrasound can't determine sex at that stage. I thought she might have had an amniocentesis, but Melissa says it too early for that, too.

Overflowing Gutters

The rains last week brought a familiar problem: overflowing gutters. I knew the rains were coming, so I had cleaned the gutters Wednesday. The gutters were clean, and the downspouts and drains are clear, but the gutters overflowed when the rain was most intense.

I have mesh devices in the downspouts that are supposed to keep leaves from blocking them. The devices are roughly the shape of a large lightbulb. The skinny part goes into the downspout, and the bulb part goes to the top of the gutter. They're OK, but a handful of leaves on either side will block them up. And a handful of leaves is nothing in our yard; we have a lot of big trees.

The original gutters had covers. They didn't really keep the leaves or maple seeds out, and they made it harder to to clean the gutters. Is there another solution?

Friday Pet Blogging: Sparky the Wonder Dog

That's Sparky, our poodle mutt. He used to belong to Geneva, Melissa's grandmother. He was in a house with Geneva, her granddaughter, grandson, his wife, and their two kids. Geneva asked us to keep the dog during the Christmas holidays, and then decided she really didn't need a dog while taking care of two great grandkids, so we agreed to keep him.

After combining households, Melissa and I already had a dog and three cats. We took Sparky in, with the understanding that four pets was the limit, and we're temporarily going over that. I couldn't really say no, because he got along so great with our other dog, and she needed a playmate to keep her company.

Sparkydoodle is about two years old, so he's rambunctious, but he's learning commands and he's an affectionate little dog. His only bad habit now is that after a bath he likes to pee in the house. Gotta work on that, but for a little rag mop he's OK.

PS Speaking of pet blogging, you have to go see the redneck pet carrier.

Utility Trailers

I'm shopping for a utility trailer for hauling furniture, building supplies, and the like. The best information I've found has been Synthesis Engineering Service's Choosing the Right Utility Trailer.

I need to decide between a six and eight foot length. The shorter one would seem handier, but my brother tells me that longer trailers are easier to maneuver, and the Synthesis guide tends to back that up.

Right now I'm leaning towards the Snow Bear 9000, which the local Home Depot stocks. It's about $100 more than similar-sized trailers, but the construction looks strong, and I like the tie-out points, wheels, and gate design.

Pre-natal Yard Sale

Just wrapped up a yard sale here at the house. We're getting rid of all of the things that are in the way of baby furniture and baby lifestyle accessories.

Better still, Melissa's mom came and got everything that didn't sell, so it's outta here! They're having a yard sale at her house in Seymour next weekend. Then the next weekend there's another yard sale at her friend's house in South Knoxville. We're letting the market decide value: anything that doesn't sell in three yard sales goes to the Chapman Highway Goodwill.

P.S. If anyone needs an unmatched juice glass, let me know. I can make you such a deal. Yard sales: where to find stuff that's not good enough for eBay.

Pregnancy Half-time Report

Went to the OB-GYN this morning for our scheduled ultrasound. To cut to the chase, everything checked out fine, no problems. On the ultrasound you can clearly see the long bones, the profile of the face, the feet, spine, and ribs. She has her mother's mandible and her father's femur.

Oh, and it's definitely a she. We weren't 100% sure at the 20 week ultrasound that it was going to be a girl, but we are now. We've pretty much settled on a name, too. Kathryn Elizabeth (Katie Beth). We haven't settled on the spelling of Kathryn|Katherine|Catherine|Cathryn. Caitlin is possible, too, I guess. We bounced around a lot of names, but once I mentioned Katie, it stuck. The grandmothers took to it right away, and this past weekend Melissa pointed out that I was saying Katie instead of "the baby" or "it."

The ultrastenographer estimates that the baby weighs 2 pounds, 3 ounces. Projecting that out, the doctor tells us the baby will probably weigh 9 pounds. Melissa thinks the epidural is sounding better and better. If it doesn't come out of a test tube it's natural child birth in our book.

If someone wants to be a purist on natural child birth, I guess they can run out into the woods and squat behind a tree. After the baby's born you could cut the umbilical cord with a sharp rock.

I speak from some experience. Besides cats and dogs, I've helped birth a calf. I'll spare you the part about how we tied ropes around the calf's short leg and pulled it out. Once the calf was born, the cow rested for a while. Once she had her strength back she got up and walked a short distance to break the umbilical cord. Then she walked back to the calf and ate the placenta. I told Melissa about that. She says the epidural's sounding better and better.

P.S. We're actually past half-time. 25 weeks. Almost third trimester. Due date is September 28.

P.P.S. After the ultrasound it was time to go to the doctor's office four floors up. Hooray, I said. That doctor had good magazines. Sure enough, I found a copy of Outdoor Life with the cover story "Best Rifles and Shotguns of 2004." Melissa and her mom couldn't believe I - the gun nut in the family - found that in a doctor's office. Even better, on page 18 there was a sidebar of "Sites We Love" featuring my pal Alphecca. Life is good. That same issue has a good article about catfish noodling|grabbing|tickling.

Sore Muscles, Light Blogging

Just got home from a backpacking trip to Gregory's Bald, and boy are my legs, shoulders, and arms tired. You know how Indiana Jones said "it ain't the years, honey, it's the miles"? Well, it ain't the miles, Indy, it's the elevation. 2400 feet of climbing in three miles, plus three miles of ordinary grades for an extra 500 feet. All with an (admittedly overloaded) overnight pack. I have lots of pics, but I'm way too beat to post them tonight, and besides, I'd rather spend time with Melissa than blog.

P.S. SayUncle and his wife had their baby while I was gone! Congrats, guys.

UPDATE: Pictures of the Gregory Bald backpacking trip here

Melissa's Funniest Joke

So Melissa and I have our clock radio set to 100.3 The River. They have the best morning show in town, and they used to have the best musical lineup, but now they repeat the same songs over and over: Norah Jones, Jet, Maroon5, etc.

The other day the station had a promo for Melissa's friend Mindy Smith. Melissa commented that she liked the fact that The River promoted new acts and added, "Just look how much they're helping that Norah Jones girl." And we laughed and laughed.

Diet Blogging

I haven't mentioned it before, but I've been on the Atkins diet for four weeks as of today. I've lost 18 pounds so far. My goal is to lose another 32 pounds for a total of 50. Two months on Atkins is about all I can stand, so I'll have to switch to another diet come August.

No Free Ice Cream Today

No e-commerce report this morning. I have a sinus headache, which I think is just from my congestion clearing up. It always does when I go on Atkins. I'm apparently allergic to some carbohydrate-based food that isn't allowed on Atkins.

LATER: the headache passed and my sinuses are completely clear. For years now I've lived in a state of perpetual congestion year-round. The first relief I had was the first time I went on Atkins. Not only did I breath better, I could hear the difference in my voice from not being congested.

More Gutter Talk

I told my sad, misty-eyed tale of overflowing gutters here. While I was at Home Depot tonight I bought a couple of potential remedies.

The first is some non-perforated gutter guards. I bought just four, for the ends of the gutters. By using them in the ends of the gutters, I'm hoping to keep one side of the downspouts clear. I'm not sold on gutter guards, because in my experience (with the perforated ones that were on the house when I bought it) they don't keep all of the junk out of the gutters, but they do make the gutters harder to clean, and require taking both hands off the ladder.

The second item is the Gutter Pump ("As Seen on TV!"). One end goes into the downspout, and the rest floats, with the water going underneath and into the downspout. The theory being that leaves float to the surface and water flows underneath. I'll let you know how it works.

July 4th Fireworks

SouthKnoxBubba has pics of the Alcoa fireworks show. I love the Alcoa duckpond shows. It's a good fireworks display, but it has a small-town feel.

Even smaller shows are out there. My brother went to Walland tonight for their fireworks on the river. Four years ago Jay and I drove to Fontana to see their show. As a kid some of my years at Camp Montvale intersected with July 4th and we watched fireworks at the athletic field/rifle range.

The smallest town I've ever been in for July 4th was Portal, Arizona (population a couple hundred). Portal is a desert post office and grocery store town, but with a high percentage of PhDs. I was there for a couple summers when I was doing research at the American Museum of National History's Southwestern Research Station. The town even put on a parade during the day. The station's director dressed up as Uncle Sam and walked on stilts.

We're doing what we did last year, and going to a friend's house in the DuPont community for a cookout and private but impressive fireworks show. Shooting may be involved.

Siding Salesmen

Had a vinyl siding salesman from Home Depot at the house tonight. I knew it was going to be bad when I saw his new Mercedes-Benz.

The first two guys who quoted siding drove pickup trucks and were basically estimators. They measured the house, counted the number of windows and doors, and worked up a quote. These were guys who were straight to the point and probably not working on commission.

Mercedes guy measured and counted, then sat down with us. The person at Home Depot's 800 number made sure my wife and I were going to be there together. Whereas the first two guys were there and gone in 10 minutes, this guy took an hour.

To be fair, Mercedes guy was clearly the better salesmen. Pickup truck guys didn't give enough information, didn't specify their techniques, didn't bother to explain why we should use them or their product. (Though on that last point, we had already reviewed the Consumer Reports ratings, and asked for specific brands.)

Mercedes guy sold it, baby. He showed us competing (and inferior) siding, and may have managed to sway me away from the multi-hued siding. (Hooray! That'll save me $300 when I buy from the other guy.) He also explained why Home Depot is a better long-term bet, why his installers use certain techniques, and why their siding is better. And in fact, they do have good siding. It's 46 mil with the double-hem Consumer Reports recommends. They even miter-cut their window trim, which is a mechanically superior but more labor-intensive technique.

But some of his spiel was a fear sell, which I don't appreciate. "Some companies just nail this up at the top. A big wind storm comes, it pulls out, and you hear siding flapping against the house in the middle of the night." Some of the techniques he pushed - J channels around windows and doors, covers for porch lights and spigots, etc. - are things that are standard these days.

An hour later he finally let us know his price. It was roughly twice that of the low bidder. Those Mercedes aren't cheap.

So we're going with a local company, Bob Kidd Gutters and Siding. Of three bids they were the low bidder, and they've been in business 25 years. But if I needed a siding salesman, I'd hire Mercedes guy.

P.S. Tin Men is a hilarious movie about two rival aluminum siding salesmen played by Danny De Vito and Richard Dreyfuss.

More Filthy Gutter Talk

None of the remedies I tried kept the gutters from overflowing during tonight's intense storm. Maybe nothing would. It was hella storm.

Still, I started wondering if I had enough downspouts. I've got six for 150 feet of gutters. Is that enough? I Googled and found that one downspout every 25 to 100 feet is recommended. This page for people building dairy barns goes into lots (lots!) more detail, such as roof pitch, gutter slope, gutter size, downspout diameter, etc. It also has this nifty chart that goes into the thermal expansion of different gutter materials:

Table 1. Coefficient of expansion and expansion/contraction of 100 feet of gutter with 100 degrees of temperature change.

Where I live there's typically only 80 degrees of annual temperature variation. If the gutters were installed on a typical day (60-80 degrees), there'd be a half inch or so of annual variation in each direction on my 75' gutter span.

Baby Update

Progress towards parenthood continues. We're about eight weeks out. Melissa spent the last few days researching strollers, and today she and her mom found the one she wants. The idea of pushing a baby around in a stroller fills Melissa's heart with joy.

Me, I've been building bookshelves and painting. This weekend I re-painted our bedroom. Next weekend I move my office from the guest bedroom to our bedroom to make way for the nursery, then paint the nursery. The baby shower is also next weekend. The theme for the nursery is the books of Beatrix Potter, with an emphasis on Peter Rabbit.

Melissa thinks we're going to have a crack-addicted crack baby because of all the crack she's been taking. Oh, wait, not crack. Maalox. We're going to have a Maalox baby, if there is such a thing. We have car Maalox, purse Maalox, and bedside Maalox to help her get through the night.

Pregnancy ain't easy. My advice to men looking for a wife: choose someone who isn't a wimp, because it takes a strong woman to have a baby. My advice to women looking for a husband: ditto, because it ain't easy being the man, either.

The Condiment-Industrial Complex

Jay and his brother came over the other night. Jay made some remark about Bush and his rich oil buddies.

Me: "What about the Heinz Kerrys? Teresa Heinz Kerry is worth a billion dollars."
Jay: "Oh yeah, I'm real worried about the ketchup lobby."

Our First Anniversary

Today was our one year anniversary. We celebrated by going to an evening class on breast feeding.

OK, we actually went out to dinner last night. We had planned on going to Edison Steak House, but when we pulled out of the driveway Melissa said she didn't feel good and wanted to go someplace closer. So I gave her a rain check on Edison until after the baby's born.

We've gone from being single to expecting a baby in just one year. I'm not a maudlin mood, so I won't get all gushy, but it is pretty cool.

Hand Jive

I was trying to remember if August had 30 or 31 days, so I used a trick my Latin teacher showed us, which I think most people know*.

Melissa showed me a trick she uses when she forgets which is her left and which is her right. (No, really. She has a degree in computer science, or I'd worry about the girl.) Put your hands out in front of you as if you're pushing against a wall. Make fists with both hands, then extend your thumbs and index fingers. The hand that makes an "L" is your left hand.

Word of the Day: The Linoleum Buffet

When rug rats feast.

Washing Pillows

Did you know you can wash pillows? I had no idea. Then again, I never cleaned an oven until I bought a house; I always moved before the oven got dirty.

Sears delivered our spiffy new washer and dryer on Friday, and we've been washing everything in the house. (The cats are starting to get nervous.) Then I got the idea to wash our bedroom pillows. I checked the tags, and they had washing instructions. Our pillows are now Sta-Puft puffy and Downy fresh.

Pregnancy Update

The doctors have been concerned lately because Melissa's blood pressure has been going up. They put her on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.

When she went in for her appointent today, her blood pressure was still high, so they're keeping her in the hospital for a 24 hour urine screen. The doctors might induce labor tomorrow, though it seems unlikely right now. They gave her a sleeping pill to relax her.

I came home to feed the animals, do laundry, and get everything we need in case the doctors induce labor tomorrow. We're at 36-37 weeks, so if we have to have the baby now it'll be OK, but it's generally better to go full term.

Another Pregnancy Update

Pretty much as we expected, the doctors didn't induce today. Melissa's blood pressure didn't go down much, so the doctors think they will induce some time next week, which does seem pretty likely. They're keeping her one more night, but barring any problems showing up in her 24 hour urine screen she can come home Sunday morning. The doctors are concerned because of her blood pressure, but Melissa is feeling fine. Her worst symptom right now is cabin fever from being in a hospital room.

Melissa's mom stayed with her this morning, and I stayed with her this afternoon and evening. I left right before the Boomsday fireworks started so I wouldn't get caught in the rush of 300,000 people leaving the downtown-UT area (Melissa is at Fort Sanders Hospital).

Melissa was going to a room where she could watch the fireworks. It's actually a perfect vantage point. Fort Sanders Hospital itself is on the crest of a hill, which is why there was a fort there in the 1800s. Her room is on the sixth floor so there's an unobstructed view towards the Tennessee River, where the fireworks are being launched. She called me right after the show was over and said it was great.

I came home and took care of the animals. Before I go to bed I'm going to straighten up the house and touch up some of the paint in the corners of the nursery. I'll put the finishing touches on the nursery this week, hanging pictures and such. It's looking really cool. The nursery is a multi-colored Peter Rabbit theme, with the four walls separately painted pink, baby blue, teal, and yellow to match the colors in the Peter Rabbit pictures and blankets.

Melissa's Home and Things Are Looking Up

Melissa got to come home from the hospital today. Her blood pressure is a little better now. Her doctor says that if she stays on strict bed rest and keeps her blood pressure down she can go full term. We're going to be taking things very easy around here for the next few weeks.

Busy, Light Blogging, Update on Melissa

I haven't been getting much sleep lately, even though I tried going to bed at 8:00 last night (it didn't work). I stayed home today to get some sleep and take care of Melissa.

Coincidentally, the siding guys showed up at 9:00 to start re-siding the house. Which is good, except that they were concerned about how far down the wall to cut the siding on the back of the house, since I'm about to have some excavation and drainage word done. So they backed off until the Bobcat-and-dumptruck guy comes out. Luckily he was available and is starting work today.

I'd love to blog about a bunch of things, but I'm a little busy and a lot punchy from not sleeping.

Melissa is feeling pretty good. She can tell the baby's coming soon. She no longer has heartburn when she drinks orange juice, which means the baby isn't pressing on her stomach any more. Instead, she has to pee all the time because the baby is pressing on her bladder. We're almost to 38 weeks.

Cat Tested, Kid Approved

The cats think the new baby stuff is plenty comfy.

"Rules" Girls

I just found out that my wife was a rules girl who followed the advice in The Rules book for dating and marrying a man. I generally had a negative impression of rules girls, thanks to the likes of Salon and Suck.com. Looking through the material some of it seems wildly unrealistic, but some of it is dead on.

I haven't read the book, but Melissa read me some things tonight, and I had read a few things online. From what I can tell the gist of the whole approach is making the man pursue the woman, while allowing the woman to maintain control.

So, for instance, the man is supposed to initiate dates, but the woman isn't supposed to accept the invitation unless it's less than two (I think) days away. Melissa said she had to give that one up or we'd have never gone out of dates. In general, the woman isn't supposed to be too available. She's supposed to have at least the appearance of having a life away from the guy.

On the first date, the woman is supposed to let the man do most of the talking. That didn't work either, since I don't talk a lot, especially when I'm around someone new. It's OK to go Dutch later on, but the man is expected to pay for the first few dates.

One rule I like: it's the guy's job to initiate phone calls. If the woman calls, she should talk for a brief time. They make the point that the guy could be in the middle of something, and that if he tries to get off the phone the woman often interprets that as a rejection, which really is what happens a lot of the time. They also discourage phone calls that last more than 10 minutes. Melissa loves talking on the phone, and had a hard time with that one.

Another good rule: don't talk about problems or past boyfriends. Melissa was really glad I didn't talk about my past girlfriends or ask about her past boyfriends.

What do you all think? Any rules girls out there, or any men married to same?

Melissa is Delivering on Thursday

Melissa had another checkup today. Everything looks good. The ultrasound shows a healthy, 8 pound, 6 ounce baby that's head down in the pelvis, like it's supposed to be.

Last weekend Melissa said she thought she'd have the baby by Friday, and she was right. She's had flu-like symptoms the last few days, and Allison says that's what happened right before she had Angus.

Because the baby is so big, the doctors are going to induce Thursday morning. Melissa isn't very dilated, so it might last through Friday, though we're hoping for a quicker delivery. Right now we're wrapping up a few loose ends, making phone calls, doing laundry, and a dozen other things. We're keeping busy, but we're calm and happy.

Oh, and the hospital doesn't have Wi-Fi. I asked.

New Siding, Day 1

The siding crew started work today. I think furring strips and styrofoam board insulation enhance the appearance, efficiency, and resale value of any home, don't you? Or is this a tribute to the victims of Hurricane Ivan? The weather forecast looks good, and the work should be finished by the time I bring Melissa and the baby home from the hospital this weekend, so the timing couldn't be better.

Live-blogging Katie's Birth, Part 2

Melissa went from two centimeters to seven and a half in a couple of hours. My mom and sister came to the hospital, and in the hour they were here she went to nine centimeters at about 6:00. That's when the nurses asked her to start pushing.

After maybe half an hour we could just barely see the top of the head.

An hour and a half later, things hadn't progressed much. The doctor decided we're doing a c-section. They're getting her ready right now. I'm suited up to go in with her.

Live-blogging Katie's Birth, Part 3

Katie Elizabeth Jones was born at 9:09 and weighs 7 pounds, 7 ounces. She's healthy and happy, and we're happy.

The C-section went as well as those things go. I was in the room holding Melissa's hand the whole time, and watched Katie being born, and got these photos just seconds after her birth.

Incidentally, I was in the room earlier in the day when they gave Melissa the epidural. The nurse said I could stay, but I'd have to sit down because she didn't want me hitting the floor. After seeing the third shot I did get nauseous. Oddly enough, though, the C-section didn't bother me at all.

Once they began the C-section, they found out why the birth didn't progress normally. The cord was wrapped twice around the baby's neck. It doesn't seem to have caused any problems associated with a wrapped cord, and the heart rate never went down.

Melissa has had a tough day, and I'm proud of her. We're going to make sure she takes it nice and easy this next week.

Live-blogging Katie's Birth, Part 4

Everything's going well. Mom and baby are OK.

Sorry for the lack of updates. After delivery they moved us to a post-partum room on another part of the same floor, and I could no longer get on the open wireless network I had found earlier.

Not that I didn't try to get online. After Melissa ate breakfast Saturday morning I walked down to Cumberland to get a bite to eat. I wanted some bacon, eggs, and biscuits, but all of the old greasy spoons - the Torch, Sam and Andy's, Vic and Bill's, and Varsity Inn - are gone now.

I figured I'd go to Panera Bread and use their free wi-fi to get online and post pictures. I could get online, but not to lesjones.com. Panera's SonicWALL Content Filter blocked my site! Irony of ironies, the company I work for sells SonicWALL Content Filter. Darnit. I wandered around the outside of the hospital with a laptop last night trying to find that open wireless connection, but no dice.

I got to come home for a while Friday, but got called back before I could post anything. I'm home now for about four hours. I'm going back for one last night, and we'll all get to come home Monday.

Live-blogging Katie's Birth, Part 5

Katie's First UT Football Game

Saturday night was UT vs. Louisiana Tech. After Melissa's mom came to the hospital, I walked down to Cumberland to get us some pizza from Stefano's. Here's what I saw on the way. Click the "Continue Reading" link to see all the pictures.

We Brought Katie Home!

We're home!
Yesterday the hospital seemed like an OK place to stay for a while. Kind of comforting, all our basic needs taken care of. Today we were glad to be getting out of there. Hospitals are a terrible place to sleep with all of the staff coming into the room for one thing or another. We were both beat.

Home feels great. The bed's going to feel wonderful. Even the shower here is hotter.

Melissa's milk is coming in, and the baby is more satisfied after feedings.

The dogs and cats are curious about the baby. I brought home her shirt and blanket yesterday to get them used to the smell. Shorty - our Corgie/Chow mix - loves the baby and guards her to keep the other animals away.

Melissa's mom came by tonight and helped with the baby while we ate, unpacked, and showered. We were never so glad to see her. My family's coming over tomorrow to bring lunch.

To our friends: we're still calling people back who left messages, and we haven't even looked at our email yet, but we hope to get caught up in the next few days. More pics are on the way. The picture on this post is the official hospital photo.

Katie Day 6

Katie's using her arms and hands more and more. A couple of days ago she really started opening her eyes. When I walked her last night she seemed interested in the house.

Last night was a long one, and Melissa and I didn't get much sleep. Thankfully we had lots of help. My family came over and brought lunch, and Jay and Charla came over and cooked dinner.

Melissa and I have talked about how tough it would be to be a single mom giving birth with no help. It isn't easy with two parents. Having friends and family who can give an extra set of hands now and then is a real blessing.

Churchill or Ghandi?
Our friend Jay says all newborns look like either Churchill or Ghandi. He says Katie is a Churchill.

I want my Law and Order!
So when Melissa had to stay at the hospital last month, she was peeved that she couldn't get TNT and her daily Law and Order fix. When they were wheeling her out of the pediactric ward after the C-section they told her we'd be moved to a post-partum room. While still under anaesthesia she asked them if the room had TNT.

Puking in the delivery room
I think some guys are worried about how they'll do in the delivery room (or operating room, if there's a C-section). I mentioned the other day that seeing the epidural made me nauseous, but seeing the C-section was fine.

Melissa reminded me that when they showed the C-section in the parenting class I got nauseous. Goes to show, I guess, that you can have one reaction to seeing something on a video, and another reaction in real life.

It may also be that seeing the C-section video inured me to it. I remember a study of sleep deprivation that focused on medical staff. The test subjects slept in a monitored room hooked up to an EEG. When they entered the REM stage (which is when dreams occur) their sleep was interrupted so that they couldn't dream. The control subjects who were allowed to dream got used to seeing medical prodedures, but the test subjects who never dreamed did not.

Katie Day 7 - Antibiotic Antics

Katie's motor skills keep improving. Her face is more expressive. She stretches more in the crib. She hasn't started sucking on her thumb, but she can move her hands to her face and put her fingers in her mouth. I caught a little of that on videotape last night.

Katie had a pediatrics appointment today, and everything looked good. She's ga