Les Jones

Ultimate Super Bowl Prediction

I predict the Indianapolis Colts will beat the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI with a score of 29-17.

In other news, I predict there will be an annual football playoff called the Super Bowl which will begin in 1966.

Also, I predict that the U.S. government's DARPA will create a network of networks, or "Internet" on which you will be able to read this post, which will be on a Weblog, or "blog" on the World Wide Web ("Web").

Your pal from the faraway past,
Les Jones

P.S. I predict I will be born in 1968.

XtraJet Michael Jackson Video Tapes

Spoons wonders if he can get Google to index him for XtraJet Michael Jackson Video Tapes.

More Sprint PCS vs. Verizon Wireless

Today (Saturday, though it's after midnight and officially Sunday), Melissa and I drove to Townsend and through the Smokies, and had supper in Gatlinburg. All along the way my new Verizon phone had much better coverage than her Sprint PCS phone. At one point she was talking to her mom in the middle of Gatlinburg and her phone conked out, so she used mine to finish the conversation. Now she's thinking about switching to Verizon when her contract expires.

Signs of the Apocalypse #14

Time Life Video is selling the Beavis and Butthead collection.

Backpacker 2004 Editor's Choice Awards

I'm probably late to the party, but Backpacker magazine published their editor's choice awards.

The coolest thing is the JetBoil, an integrated, high-efficiency cartridge stove and one quart pot that weigh just 14 ounces combined. I don't see me going solo backpacking again for a little while, but when I do that's the stove I want.

The Big Agnes sleeping pads look good, too. A lot lighter and thicker than a Therm-A-Rest.

My New Benchmark for Bravery Outside of Combat

You want to know who's brave? The guy who goes on test flights with people getting their helicopter pilot's license.

The final part of the checkride was escaping from a vortex ring state. Joe took the controls and slowed the helicopter down so that we had lost almost all forward speed. Then he lowered the collective to start a 500 foot-per-minute descent from our 700' altitude. The helicopter began "settling with power" into its own disturbed air, falling suddenly much faster than the initial descent rate established by Joe. The controls became mushy just as he said "You have the controls". The way to escape from a vortex ring state is by pushing the cyclic forward to try to fly the helicopter forward out of the disturbed air while simultaneously lowering the collective so that the helicopter isn't beating the air so hard. Once I had recovered some flying speed I pulled on the collective to resume a climb.

The checkout for going into an autorotation landing after main engine failure sounds like alot of fun, too.

Dude! Free Underwear!

We went to some friends house in Maryville tonight, and somehow the conversation veered off in this direction.

"So, Josh. You're a hunting/fishing/hiking kind of guy, grew up in Tennessee and all. Have you ever noticed that when you're some place where people fish or camp that there's always a pair of underwear in the woods?"

My theory is that it's some sort of sacrificial rite. Like, you sacrifice a pair of your underwear to the gods to ensure good fishing.

Josh's theory is that it's a redneck victory celebration. So maybe if you catch a really big bass you tear off your underwear and wave it around your head.

Fisking Jeremy Rifkin

Justin at Classical Values fisks Jermey Rifkin's Entropy. I wrote about Rifkin and his "hydrogen economy" here.

Celebrate Arbitrary Date Change Day Like It's 1999

Do you remember 1999? Some people were fearful - worried about Y2K. Some people were ecstatic - partying at the millennium. Other people were smug - knowing that the 1999/2000 crossover wasn't the beginning of the new millennium; that would come a year later due to the lack of a year zero.

I always wondered about that last bunch of math nerds. The implication was that they were delaying their wild hijinx until the proper moment. That at midnight, December 31, 2000 the pool skimmers all across Silicon Valley would be clogged with pocket protectors, panties and Trooooo-Jaaaaaans! - some of them already uuuuuused! But I kinda doubt it.

Anyway, happy Arbitrary Date Change Day. Eat some black-eyed peas for good luck tomorrow.

Next Year's Halloween Costume

I rarely make a costume for Halloween, but if I dress up this year, I'm going as sushi.

Dude! Free Hookers!

Vice Squad reports on police paying people to solicit the services of prostitutes in order to make busts. Via SayUncle.

See also:
 - Dude! Free Guns!
 - Dude! Free Underwear!

Girl-on-Girl Has Jumped the Shark

You know, the first time guys saw a bare thigh in a 1920s movie, I'm sure they went wild. Hubba hubba! Rowrr! Say no more! Now nobody cares.

How long is it going to be before girl-on-girl action is just as passe? Not much longer, I'm guessing. When Madonna and Britney Spears kissed on the MTV Awards two years ago, girl on girl jumped the shark. So now when Drea de Matteo says "Every now and then -- well I can't say I've never been with a woman," even some of the guys on Fark could care less.

"I realize that I live in probably the most liberal city in the U.S. (San Francisco), but is it really news anymore when girls mess around with other girls? I can think of maybe 1 or 2 among the many girls I know that hasn't at least made out with another girl."

"Guh, I live on a college campus where kissing girls to get more attention for your sad whored out self is normal."

"I think the 'I'm going to awkwardly make out and maybe have sex with this chick for money and/or praise from my drunk fratboy friends' is too often confused with bisexuality."

Yep. I've dated women who had been with other women. Until she invites one of her friends over and offers to make you into a man sandwich, it's nothing to get excited about.

Gmail Invites

I've got some more Gmail invites if anyone needs one. Send an email to les D0T jones at gmail D0T com.

"The Mazda Miata: it hugs the road like men hug men."

Philip Greenspun asked for help in recommending a car for a friend of his in LA, and mentioned that a convertible would be nice in the warm California sun. A couple of people recommended Miatas, which prompted me to write this:

I think of the Miata as a chick car or gay man's car. The two men I know who drive Miatas are gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that! but your friend is apparently straight. The Honda S2000 is a better roadster, with enough punch to push you back into your seat.

I half expected to be called a homophobe, but the next commentor agreed.

"The Mazda Miata: it hugs the road like men hug men." Don't remember where I heard that quote, but it is incredibly apropos. It is the quintessential gay man's car. Especially yellow ones. Of course, the young man that Philip is referring to may very well be of that pursuasion, so the Miata could be perfect: he could go out cruising in it and folks would know what he's after.

Stop Saying That

One guy's list of cliches he's tired of hearing.

No joke: we once had a visiting salesman who combined "at the end of the day" with "what gets you of bed" and said "At the end of the day, we want to know what gets you out of bed." So I guess he was saying he wanted us to sleep late.

The DeLorean

The DeLorean wasn't released until 1981, but it was a product of the '70s - a sports car with a stainless steel body and gull-wing doors, the ultimate life in the fast lane accessory. The DeLorean was pioneered by John DeLorean, a playboy and former GM executive who spearheaded the Pontiac GTO. It's now best known as Marty McFly's time-travelling car in Back to the Future. A DeLorean painted red makes an appearance in Jackie Chan's Rumble in the Bronx.

In 1982 the FBI busted John DeLorean for conspiring to smuggle $24 million worth of cocaine. The company folded in 1983 after building about 8,500 cars. DeLorean was acquitted when a judge determined the FBI had entrapped him. His wife divorced him in 1985, and he declared bankruptcy in 1999. He's trying to start a line of watches and a new line of cars in Europe.

There's a DeLorean show every couple of years. The last one was in Pigeon Forge last year, and I missed it. Damn. I could have seen the DeLorean show and Buford Pusser's Death Car all in the same day.

For DeLorean information, Tamir's DeLorean page is a work of passion. You can also read the FAQ or visit the DeLorean Motor Company's official site.

St. Patty's Day/Seventies Week Double Crown

I just remembered the DeLorean was manufactured in Ireland. Double score!

Happy 4/20 to My Pot-Smoking Readers

Melissa has classes on Tuesday and Thursdays until late, so we're each on our own for dinner. I stopped at Hooter's last night for wings and a beer. At some point the guy next to me at the bar says "So, what are you doing for tomorrow?"

"What's tomorrow?"

"The 20th. You know. It's 4/20."

I'll have to check the employee manual to see if we get April 20 off, but I think we swapped that for the Friday after Thanksgiving. But anyway, happy 4/20, stoners. Burn one for me.

If I Ever Write a James Bond Movie

If I ever write a James Bond movie I'll name the female lead Skimpy. Skimpy Lingerie.

Poison Box

So I'm shopping for Mother's Day presents and I run across a necklace with something called a poison box. Is it just me, or is the idea of a woman carrying a poison box kinda sexy?

Weekly Round-Ups

In gun blogging, Jeff Soyer has the Weekly Check on the Bias and The Carnival of Cordite is up for this week at Gullyborg. I'll be hosting it next week.

On the biology blogging front, Birds in the News #11 is up at Girl Scientist. SouthKnoxBubba has his Friday Bird Blogging, and lobbygow offers Thursday Invertebrate Blogging. Good stuff all around.

My Bet for a Baby Name of the Future

People today are naming their sons Colt and Ruger to evoke toughness and an Old West sensibility. In a dozen years or two parents who want their kids to have a tough name that's futuristic will name their sons Taser. You watch.

Dude! Free Beer and Lap Dances!

From The Smoking Gun via ace reporter Randall Brown.

In a bid to crack down on strip clubs and adult video stores, the city fathers of Knoxville, Tennessee allowed a private investigator to use municipal funds to pay for lap dances, beers, and tips to female dancers. P.I. Greg Lundy was paid about $100 an hour for his investigative forays to seven establishments, including the Last Chance Adult Theater and Mouse's Ear West, according to the below affidavit Lundy provided to municipal officials (who were seeking to determine if the X-rated establishments were adhering to city regulations). During visits in April and May, Lundy spread around $300 in city cash at the nudie joints.

Why can't I ever find odd jobs like that? Lundy's report is a freakin' riot.

See also:
 - Dude! Free Pregnancy Test!
 - Dude! Free Hookers!
 - Dude! Free Guns!
 - Dude! Free Underwear!

Shop at Home Salesman Takes a Katana in the Chest

Shop at Home Network guy demonstrates a stainless steel katana (a Japanese sword) that he's selling on TV by whacking it on the table. It snaps and the end hits him on live TV. Transcript:

"1101-1860 is the item number on this one. And the nice thing about these practice katanas Oh! Aw, that hurt. Oh, that hurt big time. A piece of that just... The tip just got me, O'Dell. Oh, that got me good."

"You all right?"

"A piece of that tip just got me. Oh my..."

"We, uh, may need emergency surgery in the studio."

Video here. Via a High Road discussion of why stainless steel is too brittle for long blades.

I Googled for more info, and discovered that this was from something called The Knife Show on SHN featuring Tom O'Dell and Shaun Leflar (he of the katana in the ribs). They seem to have had a cult following. The knife snobs on BladeForums.com had a field day with Shaun's injury ("It doesn't get any funnier than this!!"). The mishap occured in 2001. Shawn was OK, and the show continued until 2004. Says one fan of the show's end, "Thanks for the memories, Mr. O’Dell. May you and your knife-selling buddy Shaun Leflar live to hawk one more Conan the Barbarian special."

Depression vs. Unhappiness

Via Kevin Baker, in Theodore Dalrymple's The Frivolity of Evil:

There is something to be said here about the word "depression," which has almost entirely eliminated the word and even the concept of unhappiness from modern life. Of the thousands of patients I have seen, only two or three have ever claimed to be unhappy: all the rest have said that they were depressed. This semantic shift is deeply significant, for it implies that dissatisfaction with life is itself pathological, a medical condition, which it is the responsibility of the doctor to alleviate by medical means. Everyone has a right to health; depression is unhealthy; therefore everyone has a right to be happy (the opposite of being depressed). This idea in turn implies that one's state of mind, or one's mood, is or should be independent of the way that one lives one's life, a belief that must deprive human existence of all meaning, radically disconnecting reward from conduct.

JustLisa Needs Your Help with a Good Cause

Passing along a message from JustLisa. I've pitched in. We're about halfway to the goal.

I have never asked my friends for money before but this is so very important to me. I am trying to help a family friend realize her dream of going to Brazil as a foreign exchange student. She has a lot of time, energy and money invested in this and it's come down to a plane ticket and a few small necessitites. Awesome experiences are pretty hard to come by for any kid nowadays, especially one from Small Town USA. I don't have enough money to make this happen for her but I do have some and great friends who I know will do their best to help as well. I have started a campaign that can be found at the following link. The link also contains more information about Eva and the specific goal.

http://www.dropcash.com/campaign/justlisa/brazil_or_bust

If you could spare a little change or just help spread the word or both, that would be terrific.

Thanks!
Lisa

If a machine that prints is a printer...

If a machine that prints is a printer, and a machine that copies is a copier, shouldn't a machine that faxes be called a faxer?

Odd Behavior When Lost in the Woods

In the current issue of Cryptogram, Bruce Schneier writes:

In Beyond Fear I wrote: "Many children are taught never to talk to strangers, an extreme precaution with minimal security benefit."

In talks, I'm even more direct. I think "don't talk to strangers" is just about the worst possible advice you can give a child. Most people are friendly and helpful, and if a child is in distress, asking the help of a stranger is probably the best possible thing he can do.

This advice would have helped Brennan Hawkins, the 11-year-old boy who was lost in the Utah wilderness for four days last month. He avoided people searching for him because he had been taught not to talk to strangers.

Here's the email I wrote to Schneier:

Avoiding rescuers is a common reaction in people who have been lost in the woods. See Dwight McCarter's book, Lost, an account of search and rescue operations in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. In one chapter McCarter tells the story of two backpackers in the park who got separated while travelling off-trail in the vicinity of Thunderhead. The less-experienced hiker quickly got lost.

After a day or two wandering around he was going through his pack and found a backpacking how-to book that explained what to do in case you got lost in the woods. Following the advice, he went to a clearing and built a signal fire. A rescue helicopter saw the smoke and hovered overhead above the tree tops as he waved his arms to attract their attention. The helicopter dropped a sleeping bag and food, with a note saying they couldn't land in the clearing, but that they would send in a rescue party on foot.

The lost hiker sat down, tended his fire, and waited for rescue. When the rescuers appeared at the edge of the clearing, he panicked, jumped up, and ran in the other direction. They had to chase him down to rescue him. This despite the fact that he wanted to be rescued, had taken active steps to attract rescuers, and knew that rescuers were coming to him. Odd but true.

WEB ADDENDUM: I don't know if Hawkins was hypothermic, but just FYI people in the late stages of hypothermia often hide and cover themselves, a behavior known as "hide and die."

Quite often, the scene findings in cases of fatal hypothermia show evidence suggesting a struggle. The premises may be in disarray, and affected individuals may be found under newspapers or furniture. Presumably, once hypothermia has set in, they become confused and disoriented, and attempt to seek warmth in unusual places. They also suffer from "paradoxical undressing", or "hide-and-die" behaviour, thought to be due to a disturbance of the temperature-regulating function of the hypothalamus that causes a feeling of overheating (and resultant attempts to cool down such as undressing) as the body's core temperature drops.

The phenomenon of paradoxical undressing is odd. With their core temperature down in the 80s, hypothermia sufferers often undress. In urban environments, victims found in that state are often initially assumed to be victims of sexual assault. During the initial stages of hypothermia, the body conserves heat by restricting blood flow to the skin surface. One theory is that paradoxical undressing occurs in the late stages of hypothermia when blood flow from the body's core resumes to the extremely cool skin surface, causing a burning sensation. The victims remove their clothes to cool off.

Lore Reads Dear Abby So I Don't Have To

Via Slumbering Lungfish.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10. I was born in 1994. My problem is I really, really wish I had lived in the '80s. I know this sounds stupid, but the style was awesome -- not skanky. The music was great -- not rap. The '80s seem awesome! I mean, they had good songs like "She Blinded Me With Science."

It's bad enough when someone pines to have been born in a different era (almost invariably the Sixties), but it's awful to see a 10 year old kid wish he had been born in the Eighties. The Eighties weren't really horrible or anything, but there's no way in hell I'd prefer a pre-Internet era with minimal Taco Bell penetration.

Eh. Maybe I'm just a bad candidate for that sort of nostalgia. When someone lauds the Sixties and the great music, I figure that living now I can listen to all of that music plus all of the music recorded since. Ain't it grand? Anyway, we can't choose when we're born and there aren't any time machines, so you might as well suck it up and make the best of it.

Then again, this kid's 10. Maybe Michelle Catalano is right when she talks about the latest generation being Generation Repeat, living in nostalgia and retro and shitty movie remakes of shitty TV shows.

(Oh, and the next Dear Abby letter Lore links to is from someone whose mother stole her mail-in ballot and committed election fraud. That Abby sure is keeping up with the times.)

Find All the Mistakes in this Personal Ad

Found on The Onion, which is great this week. I guess I should mention that this is a real personal ad, not a parody.

For starters, someone who thinks "I'm super hot" but who also thinks "I'm totally down to Earth" is probably wrong about at least one of those things.

Carrot Top on 'Roids?

I heard Carrot Top mentioned in a discussion of steroids this morning on Star 102.1. Is he taking comedy-enhanching drugs? You decide.

Beldar Reflects on What it's Like to Lose a Trial

Beldar reflects on a recent trial he lost. I thought this was interesting:

By the time a lawyer has tried a case to a jury verdict, his or her objectivity has almost always been thoroughly shredded. When I sat down after my final chance to talk to this jury — after my rebuttal to the lead defense lawyer's closing argument — I was absolutely, positively "drunk on my own fumes" and convinced we were about to win a big one. In hindsight, I was obviously very, very drunk on my own fumes, to the point of hallucination; but that's actually entirely normal by that point in a case. It takes enormous effort and discipline to try to maintain (or recapture) any objectivity. In fact, when the stakes permit one the luxury, it's a great idea to have "shadow" or "standby" counsel for your team (maybe a senior lawyer who's been brought in at the last minute) mostly observing from the sidelines with the express instruction and intention not to breath your side's fumes! Which is to say that I can't fully trust my own observations about this particular trial yet, and I'm likely to be somewhat more objective in, say, another year or two thinking back about it than I am now, while the wounds are still oozing.

Your Town Has a Funny Name

I'm looking in your direction, Okahumpka.

Storing Gasoline

RivrDog has a post on the particulars of storing gasoline. Via Mr. Completely. More info on this THR thread.

I didn't realize that gasoline degraded so quickly. Chemical stabilizers slows the process, but don't stop it entirely. Also note the advice on grounding to prevent sparks, which is something else I didn't know about.

Head recounts his experiences in evacuating in the face of Hurricate Rita, and says he'll be doubling his gasoline supply.

Good Advice

99 tips for living.

Some advice I'll throw in:

• Guys - when your hair starts thinning instead of growing a combover just cut it shorter.
• Buy your socks a half dozen at a time and you won't have to worry much about losing one or trying to find a matching sock at 7:00 AM.
• If you run into someone and can't remember their name, introduce your friend to them and they'll introduce themselves. Works every time.
• When you can see wires sticking out of your tires that's the steel belt. You need to buy new tires with your next paycheck.
• Beer is your buddy. It's easier to regulate your drinking when you drink beer instead of liquor.
• Fold and hang your clothes as soon as the dryer finishes. If you do it a day later it's just as much work and by then your clothes will be wrinkled.
• The guys who always have dates aren't necessarily the ones who are good looking or rich. They're just the guys who get up their nerve to ask girls on dates.
• If there's someone you're interested in, make inquiries. The word will get back that you're interested, and someone may offer to set you up.
• Empty the gasoline from your mower and two cycle engines at the end of the season.
• Don't sell your used car to a friend or relative.
• Buy dark underwear.

The Jeremy Rifkin Scorecard

A recounting of Jeremy Rifkin's failed predictions. They don't even mention his latest book: The European Dream: How Europe's Vision of the Future Is Quietly Eclipsing the American Dream. With the U.S. outgrowing Europe economically and with fewer welfare obligations, that'll be another failed prediction. Via Instapundit.

If Jonah Goldberg's Ranting About Kay Jewellers, It Must Be Christmas

Or Valentine's Day. He likes pushing this on Valentine's Day, too.

It's his standard rant about the Kay Jewellers jingle: "Every Kiss Begins with Kay." The implication? You can't get a kiss without ponying up jewelry. Your wife? A whore. You? A filthy John.

You know those Kay Jewellers commercials? The tagline is: "Every Kiss Begins with Kay."

So, once again: If every kiss begins with a diamond or other bauble from Kay, then you're either dating, or married to, a whore.

You know those Miracle Whip commercials? The tagline is: "A sandwich just isn't a sandwich without the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."

So, once again: If a sandwich isn't a sandwich without Miracle Whip, they're saying the sliced turkey and cheese surrounded by two pieces of bread you're eating is soup.

You soup-eating whore.

Link Genie

Nashville is Talking - blogger reaction to the Democrats' decision to filibuster Alito.

Wire story - US has cut military forces in Iraq by 20% in the last few months.

Bubba at KnoxViews - Some of the proposed ethics rule changes for Tennessee's ethically-challenged legislature actually relax some ethics rules.

Tamara - Why Wal-Mart isn't a threat to smart mom and pop shops.

James Lileks - How to make a fool of yourself on the Internet. Also, check out his motel postcards by state.

Organizational Habits?

So I'm reading a recent Phil Greenspun piece that mentions time management strategies, and it got me thinking about what organizational and time management habits I've tried. I'm not the world's most organized person, but I mostly get along OK. Here are the things that have worked for me:

• Using calendars and reminders, which nowadays at work is Outlook.
• Using to-do lists. I like scratching items off the list and seeing what I've finished.
• Related to to-do lists, having a whiteboard in the office and at home. The kitchen whiteboard is also where we keep the grocery list and leave messages and reminders for each other.
• Using money management software (Quicken) to keep track of checks, deposits, and recurring expenses, then using the reports to prepare taxes.
• As much as possible, having a place for everything - bookshelf, toolbox, filing cabinet, mail inbox, screw cabinet, etc. - so I know where to put it and where to find it.

One of the niftier tips I ever read was to have a place for semi-keepsakes. Things like greeting cards, movie tickets, etc. Stuff that's not so great that you'd want to frame it, but that has just enough sentimental value that you kinda hate to crumple it up, toss it in the wastebasket, and yell "two points!" Melissa and I use that trick to pack away clutter and bits of paper that would otherwise skulk around on horizontal surfaces for years. I put mine in a cookie tin; she uses a drawer.

What tips do you use to keep organized, on time, and decluttered?

Linkfester

Fascinating profile of Josh Waitzkin, the chess prodigy protagonist of Chasing Bobby Fischer. Via Colby Cosh.

SayUncle now his own parody Web site, SayAunt.

Speaking of which, SayUncle is advocating shooting bloggers. Or something. I read it fast.

A senator's call for robot public decency.

Compulsive liars fascinate me. Tamara examines the ones that come into her gun store.

Senior crime scene analyst weighs in on the JFK assassination.

Cowboy Bob answers the question: "What do you call 100 armed lesbians?"

A long overdue addition to the blogroll: Just Teddy.

First Name/Last Name Combos I Keep Running Into

Jay Gregory - I've met three, including one of my best friends. I introduced him to another Jay Gregory I worked with in a biochemistry lab at UT.

Steve Smith - OK, no mystery there.

Mike Davies - I've known two, and heard of another.

David Mitchell - Worked with one, and the name pops up all over.

Any name combos you run into over and over?

Two Questions Over Lunch at Taco Bell

First, what will lawyers do for public notice if local newspapers go belly up? Many legal proceedings such as foreclosure require public notice. The easiest way to give public notice is to run an ad in the notices section of the classifieds of the local paper. If papers disappear, what's the next easiest way to give notice?

Second, why doesn't Taco Bell sell ice cream? Seems like a match made in heaven.

All Links a Dollar

It's been forever since I posted a link crawl. It feels like the right time.

Check Patterico for coverage of the NYT/LAT spilling the beans about the SWIFT intelligence program.

Visit Alphecca and SayUncle for coverage of the UN's proposed small arms ban as things heat up in Turtle Bay.

R. Neal notes that a pair of whooping cranes have hatched in the wild, something that hasn't happened "in the eastern United States in more than 100 years."

Head is calling it quits at the Bunker, but says he'll be back at other outlets.

Andy Axel has more on digital color management.

Busy Mom shares a kid-safe bug repellant her family likes.

Xavier shows how to date an S&W K frame revolver by the ejector rod. Very nice.

Countertop is flghting a flooded basement in a top secret location in the D.C. area.

Swanky now has a blog, which is heavy on Knoxville history, tiki and exotic drinks.

TradeSports on Politics, Hurricanes

TradeSports is a futures market for financial and other futures. By pooling bets from a variety of people it creates a market consensus on ideas.

How well does it work? During the 2004 presidential election I collected predictions from bloggers and columnists, and TradeSports called the electoral vote tally exactly.

Here are TradeSports bets on the upcoming hurricane season and the 2006 and 2008 elections as of Tuesday afternoon. Higher prices indicate events TradeSports bettors think are more likely.

You Know What Site I Totally Forgot Existed?

Sploid. I saw it on Sarcastro's linkroll yesterday and had an "I Love 2005" moment.

New to the Blogroll

• The Dry Spot - check out the history of the P--n mobile, which was originally going to be Roy Orbison's car. You don't get stories like that from people in, say, Nebraska. Nashvegas, baby.
• ColtCCO, AKA "Have Gun, Will Travel to New Hampshire," who has a Miami Vice review that makes me want to see the movie pronto.
• Dilbert Blog for posts like Funny News
• Paul Simer

Got a Honda Odyssey?

Visit OdyClub.com. I especially liked the forums and illustrated tech section, which shows how to install aftermarket parts and mods.

Updated to add: Though some of the people on the forums are a bit attitudinal.

You Know Why TiVo's Great?

Not only can you skip commercials, you can skip those damned PBS pledge drives. When those people want money they push their merchandise harder than Ron Popeil.

Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel

There'll be a restaurant called Chez Louis which the slacker-ass character will invariably refer to as "Cheese Louise."

See also:
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember

Why?

"That's very exciting, I must say."
 -- Ed Grimley

And, being the master of all media, Pat Sajak Games in cooperation with Atari is releasing Pat Sajak's Lucky Letters for the PC.

Thanks, cellphone camera. I think.

Throwaway Line

Laura was a child of the Sixties. She learned everything she knew about love and relationships from the Beatles, who had a bitter, acrimonious breakup and never reunited.

See also:
- Moment of Authenticity for a Future Novel
- Snippet from an Unwritten Comedy
- Phrase to Remember

Get to the Damned Point!

The Dry Spot (you're reading him, right?) has a post about his syphilis test (which is more innocent than it sounds) and the way they kept him on a string getting the results back. Read it for the whole story.

I was talking to my mom one day. She turned on her Serious Voice and said she had something to tell me. I sat down.

She starts telling me the story the way she tells all of her stories - starting at the beginning, going over each detail in order, without skipping anything. She told me that she had reason to believe she had cancer. "I called the doctor to make an appointment. They couldn't see me that week, so they asked if I could come in next week on Wednesday, but I had plans, so they asked if I could come in Thursday, and I said 'OK, Thursday."

Then she went through all of the exruciating details of going to the doctor's office, sitting in the waiting room, talking to the doctor, taking a test, scheduling a follow up visit, going back to hear the results of the test ...

At some point I just ahouted "MOM! I don't want the long version! This is torture! Do you have cancer or not?!"

She looked sort of irritated at being interrupted. Then she regained her composure and said, "No. I don't have cancer." Sheesh!

Dude! Free Cars for LAPD's Fake Hookers!

Via Gunner:

Police officers acting like prostitutes in Los Angeles, California are not looking to take money from their street walking, they're looking to take their cars. Since 2003, they have seized over 500 cars with the department's cut being $325,000 in profit and the remainder going to the city attorney's office.

The program takes advantage of a December 2002 municipal ordinance that allows police to seize the vehicle of anyone accused -- not convicted -- of soliciting a prostitute. That accusation can be based on the vaguest of exchanges with the "trick task force" member.

Damn, LA. Violate the fourth and fifth amendments much?

See also:
- Dude! Free Microwaved Fake Penis!
- Dude! Free Beer and Lapdances!
- Dude! Free Pregnancy Test!
- Dude! Free Hookers!
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How to Recognize a Stroke

Via Kevin Kelly:

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim quickly he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed and getting to the patient within 3 hours, which is tough. Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. But doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. Ask the individual to SMILE.
2. Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
3. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently, ie: It is sunny out today)

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

YouTube, Meet Bullshit Artist. Bullshit Artist, Meet YouTube.

First, watch Aleksey Vayner's video resume, above. Among the claims he's made in the video and elsewhere:

• Can serve a 140 mph tennisball and lift 915 pounds.
• Is the second greatest martial artist in the world.
• Received a letter of recommendation to Yale from the Dalai Lama.
• Was tennis pro to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Harrison Ford.
• Served simultaneously in the Greek Mafia and the CIA.

Then read IvyGate Blog's dissection of his fraud. Dude lied about starting an investment company, lied about starting a charity, plagiarized a book about the Holocaust and sold it on Lulu.com, and much more. Yale's Daily News is now on the story.

Bonus! - Vayner sent IvyGate Blog a cease and desist letter ostensibly from his attorney. It turned out to have been copied from the first hit on a Google search for cease and desist letter. Mmm... That's good schadenfreude!

Failure is not an option bonus! - Ace is running an Aleskey Vayner motivational poster contest. I like this one.

P.S. YouTube yanked the video, so I'm using Veoh, which is exactly the same thing.

See also:
- That Lying Old Fraud Michel Thomas Has Died

Link Party USA

Akamai study - E-commerce Pages Should Load in Under 4 Seconds.

Megan McArdle - "What would nationalised health care look like here?". That first item shouldn't be underestimated.

Hell in a Handbasket - Guns of "The Outlaw Josey Wales". I'm working on a massive post for "Guns of Unforgiven" I need to finish one day.

McSweeney's - Submission Guidelines for our Refrigerator Door. "We are open to all types of media as long as the work is light enough to be affixed to our refrigerator door by no more than six alphabet magnets."

Seasonshot.com - Shotgun ammo. With flavor! I'm assuming this is a joke.

Xavier Breath - Cut-away pictures of the 1911 thumb and grip safeties in action.

Lock Bumping

This makes me a whole lot less trusting of locks. Watch the YouTube video at that link to see how easily conventional locks can be defeated.

Nicknames for "Margaret"

From Uncle Cecil:

Never underestimate human ingenuity. Margaret has spawned an amazing variety of names, some of which you wouldn't connect with the original in a million years. For example: Margot, Marguerita, Rita (!), Greta, Gretel, Gretchen, Marjorie (originally Margery), Margie, Maggie, Madge, May, Maisie, Daisy (!!), Maidie, Meg, and Mog. As for Peg, one historian writes, "the nicknames Mog and Meg later gave rise to the rhymed forms Pog(gy) and Peg(gy)." Can't say as I know a lot of Poggies, and can't say as I want to. But you see how Grandma Margaret wound up with Peg.

I did not know that Daisy was a nickname for Margaret. It's from the French for daisy, "La marguerite."

Break.com

Bored? Hit video picks site Break.com.

I like this video of a band called Corporeal performing a live version of the Halo theme.

2,006 Things I Learned in 2006

1. You should thank someone for a gift before you open it. You're thanking them for the thought, not the gift.

2. I learned a great way to sear meat in an iron skillet from this post at Jane Galt. I use that technique all the time now. It's easy and makes ground beef chops delicious. I usually cook it with chunks of coarsely-chopped onion.

3. I discovered I need to learn more about camera exposure if I want to take good pictures in bad light.

4. An historical blockhouse isn't a house made of blocks. It's a block-shaped house used for defense against raids, typically Indian raids in pioneer America. I finally put that together a while after visiting Fort Loudon (which was across the Tennessee River from the Tellico Blockhouse) and realizing that Blockhouse Road in Maryville must have been the way to the site of a pioneer settlement.

5. There are a lot of nicknames for Margaret.

6. British Cordite gunpowder was in the shape of cords (rods).

7. Abercrombie and Fitch used to sell guns.

8. Kind words, good manners, and a sense of humor are the lubricants for smooth relations.

9. Using Clorox 2 instead of Clorox keeps me from ruining a couple of pieces of clothing a year because it doesn't cause bleach spots.

10. The Victorinox Cadet is an extremely handy pocket knife. The aluminum scales make it thinner than Swiss Army knives with the usual red plastic scales.

11. There's a lot going on in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that I didn't realize as a kid.

12. Even though I'm not a clotheshound I'm very picky about pajamas and robes and I'm happier now that I realize that.

13. Libby canned sausage gravy is shockingly good. It and Pillsbury frozen biscuits will carry Southern culture into the 21st century.

14. A handkerchief or bandana is handy and hardly takes up any space in a backpocket. No wonder oldtimers carried them.

15. You can drill a square hole and do lots of other neat things with a Reuleaux triangle.

Ultimate Baby Shower Gross-Out Game

I'll be putting this after the jump in case anyone is reading at meal time. Wouldn't want to put anyone off their feed.

Remember Valentine's Day Tomorrow

From Heartmaker.

Let's Hope Your Wife, Like Your Beer, is Never Bitter

Tom shows how romantic he gets when he drinks The Champagne of Beers.

h/t to SayUncle.

Crest Lemon Ice Toothpaste

The last time I went grocery shopping and we needed toothpaste, I bought the new shiny - Lemon Ice Crest.

You know what it tastes like? It tastes exactly like you're brushing your teeth with a lemon pie. If you want to experience it, plunge your toothpaste into a lemon pie - right through the merangue - and dip out a dab of lemon filling.

Which isn't good or bad, exactly. We haven't thrown the tube out in disgust, but we won't be buying any more, either.

I Ain't the Only One Who Can Do It

Uncle's Word of the Day.

Bugly's Million Dollar Mexican Zombie Movie Idea.

"Old Paramedics Guide to being a citizen lifesaver"

By paramedic70002. Found on The High Road:

1. Make sure they are breathing. Yes? Good. No? Adjust head position. Don't worry about spinal injuries. If they ain't breathing, they don't care, so you shouldn't either.

2. Small bleeds, fuggetaboutit, it will stop. Big bleeding, will also stop, but you might want to help it along, so fix it. Direct pressure. Press dressing onto wound. Still bleeding? Use more dressings. Still bleeding? Tie bandage onto dressing. Still bleeding? We'll skip pressure points and go straight to elevation (above the level of the heart). Good luck with this one. But take heart, you've probably fixed it two steps back and didn't know.

3. Does the victim appear to be dead? Like not breathing after moving the head? Lay them flat, put hand over hand between the nipples, lock elbows, and PUSH PUSH PUSH. Forget breathing for them. They don't really need the air, but you do. Fast as you can, like 100 times a minute. That'll last for about two minutes, then you'll need your own ambulance, a gallon of Gatorade and an unfiltered Camel.

4. Don't pull anything out of the victim regardless of whether it belongs there or not.

5. It is perfectly acceptable to DO NOTHING most of the time, other than cover them with a blanket if it's cold (not the face).

6. Let the walkies walk, don't make them lie down, which will help you avoid the urge to give them a pillow. NOBODY gets a pillow!

7. This should be # 1 but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it. SCENE SAFETY! SAFETY SAFETY SAFETY!!! Sharp objects, gasoline, rubberneckers, lions tigers and bears! And don't get near any overturned vehicle, weebles wobble!