Les Jones

The Pussification of the Star Wars Jedi

With apologies to Kim du Toit.

It all began when Chris Range emailed me a picture of his Jango Fett Halloween costume.

My email to Chris:

So Jango Fett was my favorite character in Episodes I and II. "I'm just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe." Bad guy or not, he was more noble than all of the dickless Jedi in the first two episodes.

Chris Range replies:

He and Anakin are the only two people whose psychology makes any sense - and of the two Jango's outlook is probably the most sane.

Anakin is a ball of nerves with an inferiority complex that leads him to want to be a bully. Call me ignorant but a big "noble" outfit like the Jedi order abandoning his mother in slavery at the dark end of the universe might have had just a little bit to do with that. When his mom dies (at the pre-planned plot point to be sure) and he goes on a rampage and kills all the Tuskens in the camp - I'm like "OK this is the first thing I've seen in this movie that made any fuckin sense at all."

Of Obi-Wan, Alec Guinness once said that all he could do was say the lines, because the character had no connection to the psychology of any real person you'd meet on the street.

Jango accepts that there are shifting alliances and that everybody is out for himself under the current regime. He tries to operate above this in a way. Like C.S. Lewis says, judge him by his actions. He takes a contract, delivers the goods and draws his check. Then he goes home to the most spartan apartment in the known Republic. He is indeed a simple man.

I reply:

Exactly. When Anakin's mother died, I didn't blame the Tuskens. I blamed the Jedis for not freeing her from slavery when they had the chance. If Anakin had lost the pod race, what were they going to do, let Queen Amadala's planet remain occupied and leave Anakin in slavery? I would have killed that blue flying fucker and stolen his hyperdrive.

While we're on a rant :-), are Jedis the worst-equipped fighters in the universe or what? They have a single, close-range weapon with no backup. What's worse, they don't even put a tether on the stupid thing. Have you noticed how many Stars Wars fight scenes revolve around the idiot Jedi dropping his light saber and becoming defenseless? Yoda needs to amend the Jedi training to include a course in weapons retention.

Chris replies:

>I would have killed that blue flying fucker and stolen his hyperdrive.

"We're not soldiers, we're keepers of the peace. We've no choice but to respect his individual property rights, especially those concerning human chattel."

Talk about your mercenary attitude. At least Jango only kills you if he's gettin' paid. These guys screw you totally by means of good intentions.

>Have you noticed how many Stars Wars fight scenes revolve around the idiot Jedi dropping his light saber and becoming defenseless?

Considering that Jedi drop their sabers as surely as rain falls in May, we can forgive Jango for his fatal assumption that Mace couldn't retrieve his from the ground.

On Jedi in general: Until the prequels came out I thought I knew what Jedi were. The alluded backstory was that they were some sort of wandering paladins. The prequels ensconce them in the establishment. But what the heck do they do?

They're keepers of the peace, but they actually won't take any action unless they're attacked, and then it's only for defense.

They're policemen but they won't investigate a crime unless it is specifically spelled out in their mandate.

They apparently condone slavery - even though it's illegal throughout the Republic. And speaking of slavery - what else would you call the clones?

Do the frikken Jedi know what they are, or what they stand for, or even what the heck they're supposed to be doing at all?

I know what the Jedi are. They're French. They're prissy, arrogant and completely clueless as to their true standing in the universe. Which is probably why a bunch of jack-booted thugs in alpen grey and stahlhelms took over the whole Republic. <g>

Wardrobe Malfunctions in Star Wars

Lucas has finally succumbed and will release the first three Star Wars films on DVD. That's the good news. The bad news is that he insists on releasing the modified "special editions" rather than the originals. In a thread on Plastic, Herbie the Elf writes:

Don't give Tinkerbell a belly button ring. Don't let Lassie talk. Don't give Scarlett O'Hara that spooky Crayola flesh tone, and fer Chrissakes don't add some cartoonishly fake CGI Jabba the Hut into a movie that's 20 years old.

Yep. Now that we've got that settled, let's take Star Wars dialog and substitute the word "pants." WastingMy, you go first:

"What if everyone who smuggled for me dropped their pants at the first sign of an Imperial ship"

"Luke, use the pants"

"I find your lack of pants disturbing"

"Curse my metal pants!"

"Uh, we had a slight pants malfunction, but, uh, everything's perfectly alright now, we're fine, we're all fine here now, thank you."

Your turn, Genady:

"These aren't the pants you're looking for."

"We're getting out of here in those pants? You're braver than I thought."

"I sense something. Pants I've not felt since..."

"Traveling through pants ain't like dusting crops, boy."

"Uh, uh, negative. We had a pants leak here now. Give us a minute to lock it down. Large leak, very dangerous. "

My turn:

"The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more my pants slip through your fingers."

"Escape is not his plan. I must pants him. Alone."

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for good pants, kid."

Notes on The Empire Strikes Back

I bought the Star Wars DVD boxed set as a birthday present to myself, so this week Melissa and I are having a Star Wars marathon. Some notes from tonight:

• Luke Skywalker turns out pretty well for an orphan farmboy who dropped out of Jedi school.
• At Christmas time between episodes IV and V someone must have given Darth Vader the Old Spice Helmet Polish Gift Set. That is one shiny helmet.
• The scene where Leia kisses (her brother!) Luke to make Han jealous is grody.
• But Leia's hair looks a lot better than in "A New Hope." Actually, everyone's hair looks better. But the movie would have more sci-fi street cred if everyone had '70s feather hair, like in Battlestar Galactica. Can I get an amen?
• If Princess Leia had paid off Han's debt to Jabba she wouldn't have spent the next episode almost naked and in chains in Jabba's cave. That would have been a great loss to all of us who went through puberty in that era.
• Speaking of which, there's a Web site called Leia's Metal Bikini, or as I like to call it, The Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet.

Luke Skywalker: a One-man Play Performed by Cletis

Updated September 24, 2006.

Spotlight floods a lone man on the stage, seated on a barstool with a curlicue of cigarette smoke rising above his head like a world-weary halo.

My name is Luke Skywalker. I was born in a faraway galaxy on the lonely desert planet of Tattoine. I am a orphan on account of Darth Vader killed my pappy, and I never did know my momma.

When I got to be about 18 my friends all left and went to the Academy. I wanted to go to the Academy, too, but we wuz poor and I had to stay at home and help my aunt and uncle raise moisture crops.

Ben Kenobi was going to teach me to be a Jedi. Then Vader killed him, too.

Later on I went to Jedi school. Master Yoda tried to teach me the ways of the Jedi, but then my friends got mixed up in some trouble and I had to drop out. I tried going back but Master Yoda he up and died, too.

I was in love with a woman oncet, a princess, but she was in love with my best friend. Also, we figured out she was my sister.

One day my dead daddy showed up agin. He had some big scheme for ruling the universe. He wanted me to kill some guy. When I wouldn't go along with it he tried to kill me. Lucky all he did was chop off this here hand.

I finally had to give daddy the "come to Jesus" talk. After he got right with God we teamed up and opened a can of whoop ass on the emperor.

Waiter Rant is on Fire Lately

His tipping war stories are hilarious. And he got a mention in this NY Times story on blogging waitrons. The second paragraph in the article is pinched from this Waiter Rant piece on the intersection of Star Wars and Sideways.

But this... This is outstanding. Willy Wonka is a parable of the Hebrew idea of God and the nature of evil.

ATTN: Star Wars Fans Born Between October 24 and November 21

Did you know The Onion had horoscopes?

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21) Hope can sustain a person through excruciating personal trials, but unfortunately, there's no real reason to believe that the new Star Wars movie will be tolerable.

Darth Vader's New Blog

The Darth Side really gives you insight into the helmeted dark lord. For instance, did you ever wonder what kind of death notice Vader sent to that one officer whose trachea he crushed with the force? Now you can find out.

Also, Yirmumah is featuring six weeks of Star Wars-themed comics leading up to the new movie. Start here (and keep clicking; they get better).

Episode III Advance Reviews

The BBC has a spoiler-free roundup of reviews. Meanwhile The Bink Zone has a spoiler-packed review slash anti-Lucas rant. More reviews at IMDB. Episode III opens Thursday, May 19 at a theater near you. Not near anyone else. Just you.

Bonus - Howstuffworks gets into the spirit and explains how a light saber works. Via Ace.

Man, I wish I had a lightsaber, and an earring, and cool sunglasses. And I smoked. Then I'd be cool.

Countdown: III Days to Episode III

Kevin Smith liked Episode III (spoiler warning). So some people will like it, some won't, but I respect Kevin Smith's opinion. If he likes it, I'm willing to get my hopes up for potential dashing. Disclaimer: I stopped reading after a few paragraphs because I couldn't stand the spoilers. For all I know he ends his positive review with "Ha! Psyche!"

Atom Films Your Lightsaber and You (Shockwave).

Getcher light sabers at ThinkGeek.

Via Slashdot: The Science of Star Wars.

The Star Wars Technical Commentaries by Curtis John Saxton (Astrophysics PhD) is awesome. I read his discussion of midi-chlorians and the analogies with mitochondria were scientifically accurate, right down to noting that mitochondrial DNA is inherited matrilinearly.

His analysis of Darth Vader's injuries based on the movies, books, and the glimpses of skeleton during the emperor's lightning bolt attack is amazing. It made me pop in the Return of the Jedi DVD to watch it again. Saxton is a little OC, but his site has hours worth of reading for Star Wars fans.

II Days to Episode III

Roman numerals make movies funner, eh? It's like that day in fourth grade when you learned Roman numerals - best day ever, right?

I moved all of my Star Wars posts into their own category for easier browsing. Here's a sample of the best stuff.

• Notes on the Empire Strikes Back - Written after watching the DVD boxed set from end to end. Sample incredibly insightful commentary: "Luke Skywalker turns out pretty well for an orphan farmboy who dropped out of Jedi school." And that's just the beginning!
• That last line is actually the thing that struck me about re-watching these movies back to back as a grown man with a wife and a kid. Luke's life was really rough, what with his father figures dying left and right hours after he meets them (jinx!), and the only woman in the script turning out to be his sister. That led, oddly enough, to an (attempted?) comedy piece called Luke Skywalker: a One-man Play Performed by Cletis.
• Wardrobe Malfunctions in Star Wars. Take Star Wars dialog and substitute the word pants. "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more my pants slip through your fingers." Fun for kids age 3 to 103.
• The Pussification of the Star Wars Jedi. The most popular Star Wars post on the site. This email exchange between Chris Range and me bitches about Lucas' ongoing wimpification of the Jedi.

I Day to Episode III

Hey little Padwan, if you're going to the midnight showing of Episode III start your day with a good breakfast, like Star Wars frosted sugar blasters! They're what stormtroopers eat.

My first reaction was that it was odd that they'd pitch the cereal with Darth Vader, the one who turned evil. What's next -- Satan-Os and Frosted Shredded Hitler? I mean, why not Luke Skywalker or an Episode I-era Annakin Skywalker? And then it hit me: Lucas doesn't have to share royalties with the helmet.

Lucas doesn't need my help selling the Star Wars franchise for merchandising, but I can at least help him be more creative in the tie-ins. Here are some better product names, complete with ironic mottos.

Lucky Death Stars - "That's no yellow moon, orange star, or green clover. It's a space station."

Han Sol-Os - "Hokey weapons and ancient religions are no match for a good breakfast, kid."

Han Sol-Os, Special Edition - Same thing, but the cereal bites first, forcing Han to eat it.

Obi-Wan Ken Oat Bran - "Obi-Wan Ken Oat Bran. Obi-Wan. Now that's a cereal I 've not had in a long time. A long time."

Chris Range suggests Death Startal - "It takes a hundred star destroyers to equal the awesome destructive power of just one bowl of Death Startal."

Bonus - Every Star Wars cereal box ever made in every country.

MONTHS LATER - Considering how Anakin ends up in Episode III, featuring him on the box for Pop-Tarts Lava Berry Explosion seems sort of cruel.

DECEMBER 2006:

Luke's High Fiber Colon Blasters - "You're all clear kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

Jedi Mind Trix - "You want to buy this cereal. It has bright colors and a rabbit on the box. There's a toy prize inside. You want the toy prize."

Episode III D-Day

The big day is here. We've got tickets for the 7:45 show tonight reserved through Fandango. I had thought about going to the midnight show last night, but with my work and Melissa's school decided not to push it. Melissa's mom is keeping the kiddo while we go to the movie. This is the first Star Wars movie I've been to where I had to arrange a babysitter.

Now to clear out ye olde Star Wars file

Patrick Ruffini has a Bush-as-Vader Photoshop contest.

Best nickname for Episode II - Attack of the Clones: "How a Bill Becomes Law in Space."

Michelle at A Small Victory is hosting Carnival of the Force.

Read Pejman's all-purpose Star Wars rant from 2002. Good stuff.

Stars Wars Last Supper.

Miscellaneous Episode III reviews found via Slashdot

• Roger Ebert
• Kenneth Turan
• New Yorker (spoilers) - Describes General Grievous as "a slaying mantis." That's why those New Yorker guys get the big bucks.
• Google review index - I had never heard of this, but Google has an automatic review aggregator. Very cool.

Even More Star Wars

How did I not know this? Seven years before appearing onscreen as Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill was on an episode of "The Partridge Family" as Laurie's boyfriend.

The Organic Trade Association's Store Wars starring Obi-Wan Cannoli and Cuke Skywalker. "Use the Farm, Cuke. Stretch out with your peelings." Corny. Via Spoons.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog vs. Star Wars Geeks. Via Ace of Spades.

We saw Revenge of the Sith Thursday night and had a great time. Wooden acting and stilted dialog? It has all that and more! That's just Star Wars at this point. It was a big improvement over Eps I and II, and tied things together pretty well. There'll be lots of things to complain about, but go see it so you, too, can carp. The only thing I found really unsatisfying was Annakin's conversion to the dark side. I just didn't find it convincing. Then again, Jedi never made much sense anyway.

I noticed that everything Count Dooku told Obi-Wan in Episode II turns out to be true. Obi-Wan thought, justifiably, that Dooku was trying to trick him, but he should have listened.

Stars Wars Party Invitation

We're going to a birthday party today for Melissa's eight year old cousin Joseph. He has the best party invitations ever.

Star Wars Kid, Episode II

Non-traditional Stormtroopers

OK, I'm done ripping off stuff from fantasygoat, which is where I spent my weekend.

Star Wars FAQs

Starwars.com FAQs, via Kottke. Some of these are good, but since starwars.com is a Lucas property some of them really toe the company line. Here's a question I had always wondered about:

Why didn't the wampa ice creature show up on Han or Luke's sensors when they were searching for life on Hoth?

and the answer:

The primary criteria that LFI (life form indicator) scanners use to detect phenomena are heat signatures. From that, the sensor examines the signature to determine the likelihood that it indeed a living being and not some other heat source. Wampas, having evolved on the frozen plains of Hoth, have extremely efficient insulation. Their thick coats and tissues do not let any vital body heat escape, thus making them effectively invisible to casual sensor scans.

Yeah, I'm not buying that explanation, either. Efficient insulation, my foot. The stupid things have to breath. If Luke's scanner can pick up heat signatures from miles away it can pick up hot breath from a dozen feet.

Weekly Gun Nuttery

Gullyborg has the Carnival of Cordite 55, with lots of links to Anarchangel's recent spate of high output, excellent stuff.

Cowboy Blog rounds up the gun bloggers Buy a Gun Day purchases. Late addition: Tam's 1883 S&W top break. Some other interesting old guns: Denise's WWII Japanese Nambu pistol, Mostly Cajun's 1910 Canadian Ross straight-pull, and Heartless Libertarian's WWII Remington-Rand 1911. If you missed it, here's my 1944 British Lee-Enfield No. 5 Jungle Carbine.

Gunner notes that Wal-Mart is discontinuing gun sales at some of their stores.

Jeff has the weekly check on the bias, his roundup of gun coverage in the media.

SayUncle fisks an article about Columbine and refutes some gun control myths that have grown up around it.

GeekWithA45 reviews the new CrimsonTrace LaserGrips model 405 for J-framed Smith &Wessons. I have the same 305-equipped S&W 642 as the Geek and R2 there, and I think I'd like the new mid-sized 405 as much as the Geek does.

Lucas to Release Unaltered Star Wars Movies on DVD

See Han shoot. See Han shoot first. Shoot, Han, shoot! Lucas has relented, and is releasing the Star Wars movies in their original, unaltered format on DVD this September. The current DVDs have the "special edition" re-releases, with added CGI footage, and altered scenes. That includes the most egregious change, which was changing the scene of Han Solo pre-emptively shooting Greedo in the Tattoine cantina.

Great comments at Slashdot:

Ben Kenobi: For almost two decades the star wars movies were enjoyed by all. Before the dark times. Before the Edits.

Luke Skywalker: How did the movies die?

Ben Kenobi: A film producer named George Lucas, who was an idol of mine until he turned to evil, helped the industry change the scenes. He betrayed and murdered the Star Wars movies.

Anakin Skywalker: "Luke, help me take these edits off."

Luke Skywalker: "But you'll die."

Anakin Skywalker: "Nothing can stop that now. Just for once, let me look on you with my original film."

(Luke disconnects and releases the original films on dvd.)

Anakin Skywalker: "Now, go my consumer. Leave me."

Luke Skywalker: "I won't leave you here; I've got to save the movies!"

Anakin Skywalker: "You already have, Luke. You were right, you were right about me. Tell your fellow consumers you were right..."

See also:
- The Pussification of the Star Wars Jedi

Bonus! - Top 10 Other Things that Han Shot that Didn't Shoot at Him First

On Account of Al Gore's So Wooden

So last night I saw the Al Gore global warming movie, An Inconvenient Truth.*

SPOILER ALERT!

At the end of the movie Al Gore enters an enchanted forest and rides a beautiful unicorn to the top of a magical mountain. There, at the end of a lucky rainbow, he finds a talking tree. The talking tree says to him, "Al Gore, I am your father." On account of Al Gore is so wooden.

* This is a convenient lie.

WOTD: Femtroopers

Femtroopers - Feminine versions of Star Wars stormtroopers, the better to hookup at DragonCon with. (See The Onion: Woman At Farscape Convention Has Dangerously Inflated Self-Image.) From the San Francisco Chronicle via Insty.

Natural environment - the hotel and/or convention center

Favorite put-down - aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

See also:
- Non-traditional Stormtroopers
- Leia's Metal Bikini - the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

P.S. - It turns out Paddlestar Galactica isn't dirty at all. Stupid canoeists.

Previous WOTD - Ames room

Bonus femtrooper pic that is vaguely dirty but work-safe!

Han and Luke's Resumes

So in the scroll at the beginning of Empire Strikes Back they mention that Luke is leading the rebel forces. And of course Han is a general. Do you really think the rebellion gave them those positions just because they blew up the Death Star?

Me neither. I'm guessing there was some major resume padding going on there. That could be comedy gold. Which reminds me - I need to get together with Bugly and cobble together that ninja's resume we talked about.

On the Cover of the Rolling Stone

Cast of 'The Empire Strikes Back'-RS 322 (July 24, 1980) by Annie Leibovitz.

News-to-me From My Amazon Plog

Whatever the hell a Plog is.

Author and comic book legend Alan Moore of  V for Vendetta and Watchmen fame has a new graphic novel, actually, an erotic graphic novel to be precise called Lost Girls. This thing is selling like crazy and is currently in our Top 20 bestsellers.

So did you hear George Lucas has approved a 20 minute play of Star Wars? Well, we have some new Star Wars info for you. Dark Horse comics is releasing a new Star Wars title in October called Dark Times. Apparently, it touches on some of the themes of the  Dark Lord novel and takes place a month after Revenge of the Sith. We have some sneek peaks for you here, here, and here.

I guess the Star Wars play isn't (the New! Improved!) Luke Skywalker: a One-man Play Performed by Cletis, or else I would have gotten a royalty check by now.

Halloween Animal Abuse

When will it stop?

Bonus! New Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie PEZ dispensers.

Wookieepedia

The Wookieepedia, "a Star Wars encyclopedia that anyone can edit."

I liked this trivia bit from The Empire Strikes Back:

Great secrecy surrounded the fact that Darth Vader was Luke's father. David Prowse, who spoke all of Vader's lines during filming, was told to say, "Obi-Wan killed your father", and, until the film premiered, only George Lucas, Irvin Kershner, Mark Hamill and James Earl Jones knew what would really be said. Jones later reported that his reaction to the line was, "Oh, he's lying!"

And for all my gun nut friends out there here's an index of Star Wars weapons. I knew that Han Solo's blaster prop was based on the C96 "Broomhandle" Mauser. I didn't realize the stormtrooper's blaster prop was based on the Sterling submachine gun.

• Return of the Jedi had script help from David Webb Peoples, who wrote Unforgiven and who wrote the screenplay for Bladerunner and Twelve Monkeys.
• "David Lynch, with a Best Director nomination for the 1980 film The Elephant Man was approached by Lucas to helm Return of the Jedi, but he declined and went on to direct Dune."
• "Another wardrobe problem is shown when Oola's breast flops out of her costume, just before she is dropped into the rancor pit (at 0:13:45 on DVD) . This problem is present in all versions of the film."

I checked the DVD and it's true. Here's a wardrobe malfunction screencap.

Why Star Wars Geeks are Cranky at the Holidays

1. They don't show the Star Wars Holiday Special anymore.
2. Stores start putting up Christmas decorations before Life Day is even over.

Happy belated Life Day, all.

"If I [BLANKED] Here's How I Did It"

Teh new funny this week is variations of OJ's "If I Killed Them Here's How I Did It." You can see examples at Ideas for a Book by Bush and The If-I-Did-It Book Series.

I didn't mindlessly jump on this bandwagon like some sort of lemming, but if I did here's what I would have come up with.

Jim Morrison - "If I Faked My Own Death Here's How I Did It"

Darth Vader - "If I Force Choked Admiral Ozzell Here's the Spell I Used. For Dummies."

Bill Clinton - "If I Had Sexual Relations With That Woman - Ms. Lewinsky - Here's How Awesome It Was"

Bonus! - Jedi Force powers

LATER: Fox has cancelled the show and the book. Comedians everywhere in mourning.

George Lucas Rolling Stone Interviews

This 1977 Rolling Stone George Lucas interview is fascinating. Some fanboys are convinced that Lucas conceived the entire Star Wars trilogy all at once, with everything mapped out ahead of time. It turns out he was making huge changes in the original move even as he was making it:

In the original script Ben Kenobi doesn't get killed in the fight with Vader. About halfway through production, I took Alec aside and said I was going to kill him off halfway through the picture. It is quite a shock to an actor when you say, "I know you have a big part and you are going to the end and be a hero and everything and all of a sudden I have decided to kill you," but he took it very well and he began to build on it and helped and developed the character accordingly.

Was the studio upset when you told them Kenobi would die?

Everybody was upset. I was struggling with the problem that I had this sort of climactic scene that had no climax about two-thirds of the way through the film. I had another problem in the fact that there was no real threat in the Death Star. The villains were like tenpins; you get into a gunfight with them and they just get knocked over. As I originally wrote it, Ben Kenobi and Vader had a sword fight and Ben hits a door and the door slams closed and they all run away and Vader is left standing there with egg oil his face. This was dumb; they run into the Death Star and they sort of take over everything and they run back. It totally diminished any impact the Death Star had.

The more recent "Cult of Darth Vader" is pretty good, too. One thing I learned from that is that "Darth Vader" is basically "dark father." Makes sense.

More Star Wars Cereal Names

The other day I thought of another Star Wars cereal name.

Luke's High Fiber Colon Blasters - "You're all clear kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

And this morning I came up with another.

Jedi Mind Trix - "You want to buy this cereal. It has bright colors and a rabbit on the box. There's a toy prize inside. You want the toy prize."

R2D2: the Spy Who Came in from the Cold of Space?

In A New Sith, or Revenge of the Hope: Reconsidering Star Wars IV in the light of I-III Keith Martin tries to make sense out of the entire Star Wars universe after the third episode was released.

Martin's main theme is that the Rebellion had two agents reaching back in time to Episode III. One of them is R2D2. Some of it does make sense and is obviously true. R2 was certainly working for the Rebellion. He had the technical readout of the Death Star, chose to enter the escape pod, tricked Luke into removing the restraining bolt, and then made a dash towars Obi-Wan Kenobi to fulfill his mission, just as Princess Leia planned. Some of the other parts are a stretch, but not too bad. And unlike C3PO R2D2's memory wasn't erased, so he would still remember a young Obi-Wan from Episode III when he meets him again in Episode IV.

Martin is also dead on about Obi-Wan Kenobi. He didn't just happen to live near Luke. He was Luke's guardian angel, watching over him, and probably spying on him. In Obi-Wan's hovel he tells Luke he understands that Luke has become quite a pilot. Luke never gets wise to the game, even when Obi-Wan just happens to have his father's lightsaber. Obi-Wan really is a shifty devil who makes up lies as he goes along. "True from a certain point of view" my foot.

R2 is one of the Rebel agents Martin makes a case for. The second one is a lot less convincing, but I won't spoil it for you. Go read it yourself. Martin's theomachy is appealing to Star Wars fans - we want the movies to make sense, even when they don't. Some of it is plausible while some of it gives too much credit to Lucas, but it's a fun read.

Hat tip to jwz.

Bonus! - The destruction of the Death Star re-created using nothing but hand motions. Via BoingBoing.

Alec Guinness's Opinions on Star Wars

After An American in Paris the other night TCM showed To Paris, With Love starring Alec Guinness. Melissa did her usual IMDB research and found lots of great trivia and quotes from Alec Guinness with regards to Star Wars. Everything below is excerpted from Internet Movie Database.

"Science fiction - which gives me pause - but it is to be directed by George Lucas, who did American Graffiti (1973), which makes me think I should. Big part. Fairytale rubbish, but could be interesting" [while considering doing Star Wars (1977)]

Reportedly answered one "Star Wars" fan's boast that he'd seen the first movie over a hundred times, with a nod and the words "Promise me you'll never watch it again." The boy was stunned, but his mother thanked Guinness.

Reportedly hated working on Star Wars (1977) so much, Guinness claims that Obi-Wan's death was his idea as a means to limit his involvement in the film. [Note that this is incompatible with George Lucas's version that changing the script to kill off Obi-Wan in the first movie was his and his wife's idea.]

[Guinness discussing how much he disliked working on Star Wars (1977) and his attempts to encourage George Lucas to kill off Obi-Wan Kenobi] "And he agreed with me. What I didn't tell him was that I just couldn't go on speaking those bloody awful, banal lines. I'd had enough of the mumbo jumbo."

"Apart from the money, I regret having embarked on the film. I like them well enough, but it's not an acting job, the dialogue - which is lamentable - keeps being changed and only slightly improved, and I find myself old and out of touch with the young" [during filming of Star Wars (1977)]

"I shrivel up every time someone mentions Star Wars (1977) to me."

"It's a pretty staggering film as spectacle and technically brilliant. Exciting, very noisy and warm-hearted. The battle scenes at the end go on for five minutes too long, I feel; and some of the dialogue is excruciating and much of it is lost in noise, but it remains a vivid experience. The only really disappointing performance was [Anthony Daniels] as the robot - fidgety and over-elaborately spoken. Not that any of the cast can stand up to the mechanical things around them." [His diary entry after viewing Star Wars (1977) for the first time]

[Asked if Star Wars (1977) had made him a fortune]: "Yes, blessed be Star Wars (1977). But two-thirds of that went to the Inland Revenue and a sizable sum on VAT. No complaints. Let me leave it by saying I can live for the rest of my life in the reasonably modest way I am now used to; that I have no debts and I can afford to refuse work that doesn't appeal to me."

Salary
Star Wars (1977) $150,000 + 2% of profits
The Lavender Hill Mob (1951) £ 6,000
Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949) £ 6,000

"Shoot Me First Vest" - a WOTD, Quote, Guns and Star Wars 4-in-1

Some of the more common topics I cover are quotes, the word of the day, guns, and Star Wars. Consider this a 4-in-1.

Shoot me first vest - What some people call a vest worn to conceal a gun, either inside the vest itself or holstered on the belt and covered by the vest.

Some people in the concealed carry community think that armed robbers entering a convenience store or whatever will shoot the guy with the photographer's vest at the first chance, assuming that he'll be armed. Other people dismiss the idea. They counter that the "shoot me firsters" are just being self-conscious about their handguns, and that most people are blissfully unaware of the fact that people in society carry concealed weapons.

So there's the word of the day and gun angle. Here's the quote and Star Wars angle. Massad Ayoob is a police officer, self-defense instructor, and a popular gunwriter. This is what he had to say about the idea of concealment vests being shoot me first vests:

After all these years, I've only found one case of anyone "getting shot first" because they were wearing vests. It is found in the very first Star Wars movie. The rebel bodyguards of Princess Leia are all wearing a uniform that includes a black vest which looks remarkably like something from Concealed Carry Clothiers. When the Imperial Storm Troopers led by Darth Vader attack their ship, the Storm Troopers blast every rebel so dressed.

Of course, Han Solo wore a vest and he didn't get shot. Then again Han tended to preclude that problem by being the one to to shoot first. (Or at least he did until Lucas released the "special editions" of Star Wars and edited the cantina scene so that Greedo shot first.)

Bonus! - Top 10 Other Things that Han Shot that Didn't Shoot at Him First

Previous WOTD - Pigovian Tax

Loose Galactic Credits

Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many Americans, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Hat tip to Tam.

An Early "Happy Cinco De Mayo" to Star Wars Fans

Steampunk Star Wars

While prowling around Dave's Long Box for a seekritt project I found a link to Eric Poulton's blog and his ideas for Star Wars rendered in steampunk. I'm just barely aware of steampunk, but as I understand it's retro sci-fi set in the past - particularly the nascent industrial era - rather than the future, and usually with a Victorian flavor.

Here's Poulton's idea of what Han Solo & Mr. Chewbacca would look like.

• Sir Obi-wan Kenobi
• Lord Vader
• Steam-powered R2D2
• The Death Star
• Jabba the Hutt
• Free desktop pictures
• Prints for sale

More steampunk artwork at Brass Goggles. Also check out Eric Poulten's Zombie Valentine's Day cards.

There's a Korean Version of Star Wars?

Skywalkers in Korea Cross Han Solo.

Hat tip to Sarcastro at his new Wordpress digs.

Star Wars Rock Out Picture

So via Tam I realize today is yesterday was the 30th anniversary of the original Star Wars. Now I'm digging through my unpublished posts to see what I've got.

Picture via Anarchangel.

That's a Sweet Femtrooper

In the motif of the 30th anniversary of Star Wars:

See also:
- Word of the Day: Femtroopers
- Non-traditional Stormtroopers
- Leia's Metal Bikini: the Greatest Web Site on the Entire Internet

Lithath Favorite Movie ith Thtar Warth

LissaKay in comments:

Now why in the world didn't they have this Star Wars celebration earlier this month? Like on May the 4th ... Be With You.

*rimshot*

Jawa Ion Blaster Replica

Replica of the Jawa iob blaster from Star Wars, made from a Lee-Enfield rifle, and offered for sale on eBay.. Via Xavier, who has more info.

It's neat, but it isn't much of a replica. Some of the Star Wars guns were based on real arms, but the ion blaster seems to have been made from scratch. The actual movie prop looks completely different.

UPDATE: In comments Trebor writes;

Actually, that *is* an more-or-less accurate recreation of the Jawa rifle from A New Hope. The movie prop, like the eBay item, was made from a cut-down Lee Enfield #1 Mk 3.

Here's a link. Look at the pic of the Jawa with the rifle.

http://www.starwars.com/databank/technology/jawablaster/?id=bts

That second picture is a prop from one of the later movies of a different Jawa gun.

Man, if you can't trust Wookiepedia, who can you trust?

Femtrooper Sithvixen: "guys love boob armor"

In comments to this post lara identifies the femtrooper in that picture as SithVixen, who describes the evolution of her Femtrooper costume:

This suit of armor was designed by Richie several years ago for his daughter. It gained notoriety and several other female friends including myself requested a set.

He complied and the Femtroopers (aka Richie's Angels) were born. There are approximately 30 or so of these world wide and it comes as a 4 piece set or so. It may have changed since I last purchased it.

The costume also requires that you own the Stormtrooper set, since the legs, arms and shoulder bells are not included. Some modifications in my case were required, including cutting the codpiece, warming up the armor in the oven and forming it closer into my rib cage and trimming my Stormtrooper pieces to be more form fitting.

There is a bit of work involved but it pays off; guys love boob armor. In fact, this armor got me a front page shot of the living section on the Atlanta Journal Constitution newspaper! Thanks Richie!

Bonus! - Photoshop of SithVixen at the Tattoine Hooters

Stormtrooper Bike Helmet

Stormtrooper-style bike helmet for people with asthma or allergies is equipped with air filters.

Hat tip to BoingBoing.

Star Wars Postage Stamps

My wife went to the post office this morning and came home with these new Star Wars postage stamps. This was the first I had heard of it. Nice! More at USPSJediMaster.com and StarWars.com.

Bonus! - The USPS R2D2 mailboxes are really cool, too. I can't wait to see one on the street.

Boston Globe "Man on the Street" is Kinda Odd

From Bruce at MAss Backwards, the Boston Globe interviewed a New Hampshire "man on the street" for an article about Hillary Clinton.

"I am a Republican, but I would vote for her," said Paul Giovannucci, 38, a general contractor from Nashua. "When he was president the economy was strong and we aren't in all the mess we are in now. I think we have an idea how she would run the country based on how he ran things."

Bruce Googled the guy and found a Paul Giovannucci of Nashua, NH on the page of the 501st New England Star Wars Imperial Army brigade.

And here he is back in his stormtrooper days:

Giovannucci may be a Republican, but he isn't a chickenhawk Fighting 101st Keyboard Brigade wannabe. No, sirree. He's out there in the shit, man.

5 Most Recent Tours of Duty

• Granite State Comicon
• - Free Comic Book Day @ Jetpack Comics
• Timothy Zahn ALLEGIANCE Book Release Nashua NH
• Timothy Zahn's ALLEGIANCE Book Release Burlington MA
• Red Cross Blood Drive with WAAF

You know, I actually do give him credit for giving blood. That's always a good thing.

Alt headline for the Boston Globe story: "Average Stormtrooper on the Street Endorses Darth Hideous."

Man, I almost wrote "Steve K." over the Vader guy's head

Click for a larger version. Via Joe Powell.

78 Reasons to Hate Star Wars Episode I

Chefelf:

Reason #2 - The Trade Federation

This yawner hits you early on while the classic introductory text is still scrolling up.

Turmoil has engulfed the

Galactic Republic. The taxation

of trade routes to outlying star

systems is in dispute.

Huh? Trade routes? What kinda plot is that? This sounds more like some boring course in American History than the plot for a Science Fiction movie. Isn't this what started the War of 1812? Is Andrew Jackson going to be in this movie?

Someone said a better name for Episode I would have been How a Bill Becomes Law in Space. It's as if George Lucas wrote the script after being audited by the IRS and getting his building plan rejected by the county zoning commission.

Elvis + Star Wars = Elvistrooper

Two great tastes that taste great together, momma.

Photo from Retrocrush.

Chris and Josh went to DragonCon last weekend, too. Pics here and an Elvistrooper pic here.

Elvis Lyrics Rewrite Contest

Saw Elvis in a stormtrooper uniform. Wrote a song about it. Here it go.

"Well since Han Solo found me / I've got a new place to dwell
Inside the warm and squishy guts I call / Tauntaun Hotel"

When Star Wars Meets Country Music

If I was a country singer in search of a gimmick I'd wear a Darth Vader helmet and call myself Darth Brooks. Or maybe Garth Vader.

"You don't know the power of the B side. I must obey my manager."

"My new album is complete."

"I find your lack of Faith Hill disturbing."

"And now, your highness, we will discuss the location of your rebel moonshine still."

"I see you've constructed a new doghouse. Your carpentry skills are complete."

Don't miss his hit single "I've Got Friends in Low Orbit" from his album, "Ropin' Mace Windu."

Bonus! - If you play a Darth Brooks song backwards your hand regrows and you get your space station back.

Darth Brooks or Garth Vader?

See also:
- Elvis + Star Wars = Elvistrooper
- Luke Skywalker: a One-ma