Conversation About a Thermostat

::interior, conference room::
ME: Before we start, do you think it’s a little hot in here?
CLIENT: I was thinking the same thing.
::checks thermostat::
CLIENT: Whoa. Someone set the thermostat on 80.
ME: It was probably my wife.
CLIENT: Your wife?
ME: I turn the thermostat down, then she comes behind me and cranks it up. She probably drove from Knoxville to Nashville, snuck in the building, and set the thermostat to 80.

Conversation about the s-word

ME: What did you learn in school?
KATIE: We talked about the s-word.
ME: Which s-word?
KATIE: What mommies and daddies have before they have babies.
ME: Oh. You mean se—ctional sofas, so the family can sit together in the living room.
KATIE: Different s-word.
ME: You’re talking about sze—chuan chicken. Mommies eat it to get pregnant.
KATIE: That’s not what the teacher said.

Conversation while watching “Curse of Oak Island” on the History Channel

ANNOUNCER: The Mystery Stone contains indecipherable symbols and the letter G carved inside a box. Could this be a sign of the Masons?
ME: So the Masons buried the treasure on Oak Island?
MELISSA: It’s always the Masons doing stuff like that.
ME: Or the Knights Templar.
MELISSA: Or the Secret Society of Weirdos.

Secret Society of Weirdos is the funniest thing Melissa has ever said. It’s like something Calvin would invent.

P.S. Fun show. I read about Oak Island in the third grade and thought it was fascinating. Now I’m getting my 9 year old interested. The season finale is tonight.

The kid in me doesn’t want to admit it, but there’s a good chance there’s nothing to the Money Pit. Occam’s Razor says it’s just a sinkhole that stuff fell into over the centuries. When people excavated the pit, they found that stuff, jumped to the conclusion that someone had buried it there, and let their imaginations run wild with dreams of pirate treasure.

From there, the stories got embellished and exaggerated as they were re-told and passed down. If you want to see an example of the embellishments, watch the episode “The Mystery of Smith’s Cove.” It shows underwater video that supposedly proves the presence of a miner’s pick, a human body, and a treasure chest. When the video is shown they overlay blue computer graphics to enhance what they say is there. The graphics look nothing like the description in any way, shape or form. You could take out a blue felt tip pen and draw a treasure chest on your cat and your cat would look as much like the treasure chest in that video. It isn’t evidence. It’s a┬áRorschach test.

The whole “boobytrap” flooding is the goofiest part. Burying treasure that far down with pre-1795 technology is a stretch by itself, but constructing a diagonal shaft to flood it with seawater as a boobytrap if someone enters the pit? That’s stoned TV writer stuff right there. Sometimes flooding in a pit 100 feet below sea level on a small island in the ocean is just flooding, not a clever trap set by the cunning Captain Kidd.

I’d love to be proven wrong, though. It would thrill third grade me if they found treasure down there.

Conversation about Opposite Day

7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Can I?
ME: Nope. Sorry.
7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Can I pleeease?
ME: Nope.
7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Today is Opposite Day. If you say I can’t, that means I can.
ME: It’s Opposite Day?
7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Uh huh.
ME: If it’s Opposite Day then if you say it’s Opposite Day that means it isn’t Opposite Day.
7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: That’s not fair.

Conversation while searching for a leather couch on Craigslist.

MELISSA: Go to Craigslist and I’ll show you that couch I found in Maryville.
ME: OK, I’ll do a search for “leather couch.”
MELISSA: The search I did was for “couch leather.”
ME: We don’t want couch leather. We want a leather couch. Couch leather is what we’d want if we were going to make our own leather couch from scratch.

Conversation Filled with Bad Words

KATIE: Daddy, Natalie used a bad word.
NATALIE: No I didn’t.
KATIE: Yes you did you said the B word.
ME: Natalie, don’t use that word.
NATALIE: Well, Katie used the H word.
ME: Katie, don’t say that.
KATIE: Natalie said the A word.
NATALIE: Katie, I heard you say the S word.
KATIE: You say the D word.
ME: Which one?
KATIE: Dumbass.
ME: At least no one used the F word.

Conversation While Cooking Potatoes

ME: You know what The Incredible Hulk says when he’s making whipped potatoes?
MELISSA: What?
ME: HULK MASH!
MELISSA: That isn’t even a joke.

Conversation About the Guy Who Died and Left $7 Million in Hidden Gold Coins

MELISSA: Do you hear about that guy who left all that gold behind?
ME: No.
MELISSA: He died and when they went into his house they found seven million dollars in gold coins. He doesn’t have any heirs.
ME: I’ll be his son.
MELISSA: And he had a ton of stock, too.
ME: So how he did he manage to save all that money?
MELISSA: He never had any children. That’s why he had so much money.

Conversation About a Burning, Bullet-ridden Car

ME: That’s gonna leave a mark.
TAM: That’ll buff right out.
ME: The driver may not notice it now, but he’s really gonna feel it in the morning.
TAM: A good mechanic could have it running again in a couple of hours.
ME: I don’t think we’re getting the deposit back on our rental car.
TAM: No, it’s cool; I got the rental insurance. It turns an economy car into a recreational vehicle.

P.S. Is LuckyGunner doing the Memorial Day machinegun shoot again this year?

Conversation in a Delivery Room

MELISSA: Do you mind if I watch my soap opera?
ME: Nope.
MELISSA: Go up a channel.
ME: Is it that one?
MELISSA: No. CBS.
ME: Is this your show?
MELISSA: That’s it.
ME: Hey, look. They’re having a baby on the soap opera.
MELISSA: Yeh, but she’ll deliver her baby in two minutes. Bitch.

Conversation About the Candy Crime of the Century

KATIE: She took my gum!
NATALIE: No I didn’t!
KATIE: Yes you did!
NATALIE: That was my gum!
ME: We’ve got somewhere to be. We’ll have the Nuremberg Candy Trials later. Now let’s go.

Conversation About Eating Turnip Greens

WIFE: Katie, you can’t have dessert until you finish your greens.
KATIE: You said I only had to eat three big bites.
WIFE: That’s right. And what I put on your plate is three big bites.

That’s some smart mommyin’.

Conversation with a Picky Eater

ME: It’s an omelet.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I hate omelets!
ME: It’s delicious.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I ain’t gonna like it.
ME: That’s a bad attitude and bad grammar.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I’m gonna vomit.
ME: Just try it.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: This is good.
ME: Toldja.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I ain’t gonna vomit.

Conversation About Go Fish

FOUR YEAR OLD NATALIE: Mommy, do you have any sevens?
MELISSA: I have three sevens.
FOUR YEAR OLD NATALIE: Yes! Now I haveá a set.
ME: Your turn, Katie.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: Natalie, do you have any twelves?
FOUR YEAR OLD NATALIE: Lemme see. Oh, I have two twelves.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: And I have two. Now I have a set.
ME: Who shuffled these cards?
MELISSA: Natalie.

Conversation About a Grilled Cheese Sandwich

ME: Do you want a grilled cheese?
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: Yes, please.
ME: Cool.
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: Make it dangly.
ME: Dangly?
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: Yeh, cut it dangly.
ME: … You mean diagonally?
SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: Yeh.
ME: Okay.