Les Jones

Conversation about the Jonas Brothers

Sunday, July 19th, 2009 | Home Life | Permalink | No Comments |

FOUR YEAR OLD KATIE: I like the Jonas Brothers
ME: Well, that’s a pretty good song.
FOUR YEAR OLD KATIE: Did you know the Jonas Brothers are cute?
ME: They are?
FOUR YEAR OLD KATIE: Uh huh. They’re very cute.
ME: OK.

Tags: conversations

Conversation about peeing in the pool

Sunday, July 5th, 2009 | Home Life | Permalink | No Comments |

Scene: the hotel swimming pool

3 YEAR OLD NATALIE: I got to potty.
MELISSA: Do you have to pee or poo?
3 YEAR OLD NATALIE: I got to pee.
4 YEAR OLD KATIE: It’s OK, Natalie. You can pee in the pool.

Tags: conversations

Things I would never have thought would sell: Bass fishing video games

Sunday, June 21st, 2009 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | No Comments |

“So, what, you fish for the bass with machine guns and bazookas?”

“Nope. Just plugs and spinnerbait and such.”

“Not even car batteries or dynamite?”

“Neh. Most times a plastic worm and a slow retrieval are your best friends.”

“Huh.”

Tags: conversations

Conversation about the fire department

Friday, June 19th, 2009 | Home Life | Permalink | 2 Comments |

MELISSA: Do you know where the closest fire station is to our house?
ME: It used to be about a mile away, but they moved.
MELISSA: Where did they move?
ME: Not sure.
MELISSA: You’re not sure?
ME: Nope.
MELISSA: We should know where the closest fire station is.
ME: Why? It isn’t like we can plan when our house is going to catch fire based on where the fire trucks are parked.
MELISSA: I think it’s important to know where the nearest fire station is.
ME: Why? Once you know there isn’t anything you can do with the information. If the fire house is too far away we’re not going to pick up our house and move it closer.
MELISSA: So you don’t care?
ME: No. And neither do you. When you tell me about houses you’re looking at you never find out where the closest fire station is.
MELISSA: Well I would if we got serious about buying the house.
ME: No you wouldn’t. You’d buy the house anyway if you liked it.
MELISSA: Well if it was a nice house I would.

Tags: conversations

Conversation about a shallot

Sunday, April 19th, 2009 | Food & Drink, Home Life | Permalink | No Comments |

WIFE: Have you seen my shallot?
ME: Nope.
WIFE: It was next to the sink.
ME: Yeah?
WIFE: It was brown. It looked like an onion.
ME: That was a shallot?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: I thought shallots looked like green onions.
WIFE: This was brown.
ME: Oh. I didn’t know that was a shallot.
WIFE: What did you do with it?
ME: Uh, I threw it away.
WIFE: Les!
ME: I thought it was an old rotten onion.

Turns out there are two kids of shallots, though what I was thinking of is usually called scallions. Oops.

Tags: conversations

My wife’s conversation about college with our four year old

Sunday, December 28th, 2008 | Misc | Permalink | No Comments |

KATIE: I’m going to college.
MELISSA: You are?
KATIE: Uh huh.
MELISSA: What are you going to study?
KATIE: Music and art.
MELISSA: Oh no you’re not. You’re going to study something that will get you a job.

Previously:

• Conversation about college with my four year old

Tags: conversations

Conversation at the jewelry counter about earrings

Monday, December 22nd, 2008 | Home Life | Permalink | 2 Comments |

MELISSA: Do you like these?
ME: They’re … um …
MELISSA: I thought you liked long earrings.
ME: I do. It’s just … those are too … chunky.
MELISSA: Okay. How about these?
ME: I like those. They’re dangley.
MELISSA TO LADY AT COUNTER: Do you have any earrings in topaz to match this ring?
LADY AT COUNTER: I love topaz.
MELISSA: Me, too.
LADY AT COUNTER: It’s my birthstone. Here you go.
MELISSA: (puts earrings in ears) What do you think about these?
ME: They look like fish hooks with a topaz at the end.
MELISSA TO LADY AT COUNTER: I’ll take the dangley ones.
ME: Okay.

Tags: conversations

Conversation about college with my four year old

Monday, December 22nd, 2008 | Misc | Permalink | 1 Comment |

We’re watching Blue’s Clues and Steve (the guy in the green shirt) is talking about going to college.

KATIE: I want to go to college.
ME: It’s good to go to college. You can learn a lot. Did you know mommy and daddy went to college?
KATIE: When?
ME: I went a long time ago. Mommy went a long time ago and then went back when she was having you and Natalie.
KATIE: I want to go to college and paint.
ME: And paint?
KATIE: Yeah. Paint.

I’m going to have a daughter who’s an art major. Great. Six years of tuition down the drain.

Tags: conversations

Conversation at the new Cafe 4, downtown Knoxville

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008 | Food & Drink | Permalink | No Comments |

WAITRESS: And what would you like, sir?
MELISSA’S CO-WORKER: I’ll have the All-American Burger.
WAITRESS: Excellent choice.
MELISSA’S CO-WORKER: So you’ve had it?
WAITRESS: Well, no. I’m a vegan. But if I wasn’t a vegan I think I’d really like it.

Tags: conversations

It Must Be Weird Having Me As a Dad

Saturday, August 9th, 2008 | Best Of, Home Life | Permalink | No Comments |

KATIE: I’m hungry
ME: You’re hungry?
KATIE: I’m hungry.
ME: Do you want to eat some rocks?
KATIE: No!
ME: How about furniture?
KATIE: (laughing) No!
ME: We could eat a computer.
KATIE: (laughing) No!
ME: You can have this speaker.
KATIE: (laughing) No!
ME: Do you want to eat a movie?
KATIE: (laughing) No!
ME: There’s only one other thing I can think of to eat and that’s food. You want some food?
KATIE: Uh huh.

Tags: conversations

Conversation About a Snail, or, Photo-editing with Picasa: Focal B&W Filter

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 | Home Life, Photos | Permalink | No Comments |

KATIE: Look at my snail!
ME: Oh, wow. What’s his name?
KATIE: Little Tiny Turtle.
…
KATIE: He’s really brown.

I took that photo Father’s Day morning after we dressed the girls. I loved the photo, but for some reason the picture was way out of focus:

I used Picasa’s Focal B&W effect in Picasa to salvage the picture by making the lack of sharpness less noticeable. The effect is pretty self-explanatory: set the point you want to be the center of your color circle, then use the sliders to adjust how big you want the circle to be and how distinct/sharp you want the edge of the circle to be.

See also:
- Photo-editing with Picasa: Fixing Orange Cast Under Fluorescent Light
- Photo-editing with Picasa: Graduated Tint

Tags: conversations

Conversation at the Computer

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008 | Home Life | Permalink | 3 Comments |

So I’m reading the Wikipedia entry on Marion Barry and discover there’s a blackberry cultivar called the marionberry.

ME: So you know Marion Barry, the mayor of Washington, D.C.?
MELISSA: Yeah?
ME: So there’s a blackberry named the marionberry. It’s from 1956, though, so it wasn’t named after him.
MELISSA: 1956?
ME: Yep.
MELISSA: They had blackberries in 1956?
ME: Blackberries? Uh, yeah.
MELISSA: No way.
ME: You big geek. I’m not talking about the phones. I’m talking about actual blackberries.
MELISSA: You wait until you have a BlackBerry.

Tags: conversations

Conversation in a Food City Checkout Line

Saturday, September 9th, 2006 | Middle East | Permalink | No Comments |

JAY: Do you have your Food City card?
ME: I think. Maybe on my keychain.
JAY: Here. You can use mine.
ME: I’m using your Food City card? Cool. In that case I want five enema bottles, a gross of Kotex, and a dozen Trojans size extra-small.
JAY: Why don’t you go ahead and get some of that cold medicine they keep behind the counter?
ME: (to the cashier) I’ll take a hundred dollars worth of whatever I need to make crystal meth. Put it on his card.

See also:
- Buying Condoms
- Conversation in the Living Room
- Conversation in a Kroger’s Checkout Line
- Conversation at a Urinal (Rated R)

Tags: conversations

Conversation in the Living Room

Monday, June 26th, 2006 | Funny Ha-Ha, Home Life | Permalink | 2 Comments |

MELISSA: What are you laughing about?
ME: Oh, I’m retarded. I think it’s funny to put the word “ball” on the end of the name of sports that don’t have “ball” on them.
MELISSA: What?
ME: So like there’s baseball, football, and basketball. I think it’s funny to say hockeyball, or soccerball, or golfball. I also like saying “golf bats” instead of “golf clubs.” You could take your golf bats to the golfball field and play four quarters of golfball.

See also:
- Conversation in a Kroger’s Checkout Line
- Conversation at a Urinal (Rated R)

Tags: conversations

Conversation in a Kroger’s Checkout Line

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006 | Best Of, Home Life | Permalink | 11 Comments |

CASHIER: Do you have your Kroger Plus card?
ME: I don’t have it with me. Do you have one I can swipe?
CASHIER: Oh, you can just enter your area code and phone number and it brings your account up.
ME: That doesn’t work for me. When I filled out the paperwork for the card I lied about everything.

I just really don’t want a grocery store to know who I am and exactly what I buy every week.

Tags: conversations

The Air Head Talks to the Baby

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 | Home Life | Permalink | 2 Comments |

People who know me will tell you I don’t talk a lot. When I’m around our baby daughter I try to talk more. I can tell she likes when I talk to her, and I enjoy talking to her.

Thing is, I run out of things to say pretty quickly. Luckily Katie doesn’t know what I’m saying, so I start talking like an airhead. Here was tonight’s dinner conversation. It’s funnier if you read it with a valley girl accent.

So you like the macaroni and cheese?

Because last time it seemed like you didn’t like it.

But I remembered that the time before you really liked it.

So I guess you really like it, which is what I thought. Before the last time.

So do you think you like the mararoni more or the cheese more?

Or do you think that together they form a new, third thing that’s totally different?

Sort of like how tomatoes, bread, and cheese are totally different when you put them together in a pizza.

Do you like pizza?

I like pizza.

Tags: conversations

Conversation at a Urinal

Sunday, February 22nd, 2004 | Funny Ha-Ha | Permalink | 4 Comments |

In the men’s room at Barley’s tonight I stepped up to a urinal with fluid on the floor.

ME: A puddle. Let’s hope that’s water.
GUY NEXT TO ME: Yeh. (pause) You know the joke? If you shake it more than twice you’re beating off.
ME: Heh.
GUY NEXT TO ME: You know the easiest thing to get out of a penis?
ME: What’s that?
GUY NEXT TO ME: Wrinkles.
HIS FRIEND: Those are the only two jokes he knows.
ME: I’ll tell you my best joke. Why don’t Kentucky high schools have sex education and drivers education on the same day?
GUY NEXT TO ME: I don’t know. Why?
ME: It’s too hard on the horse.

Tags: conversations