Tag Archives: conversations
::interior, conference room:: ME: Before we start, do you think it’s a little hot in here? CLIENT: I was thinking the same thing. ::checks thermostat:: CLIENT: Whoa. Someone set the thermostat on 80. ME: It was probably my wife. CLIENT: … Continue reading
ME: What did you learn in school? KATIE: We talked about the s-word. ME: Which s-word? KATIE: What mommies and daddies have before they have babies. ME: Oh. You mean se—ctional sofas, so the family can sit together in the … Continue reading
ANNOUNCER: The Mystery Stone contains indecipherable symbols and the letter G carved inside a box. Could this be a sign of the Masons? ME: So the Masons buried the treasure on Oak Island? MELISSA: It’s always the Masons doing stuff … Continue reading
7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Can I? ME: Nope. Sorry. 7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Can I pleeease? ME: Nope. 7 YEAR OLD NATALIE: Today is Opposite Day. If you say I can’t, that means I can. ME: It’s Opposite Day? 7 … Continue reading
MELISSA: Go to Craigslist and I’ll show you that couch I found in Maryville. ME: OK, I’ll do a search for “leather couch.” MELISSA: The search I did was for “couch leather.” ME: We don’t want couch leather. We want … Continue reading
KATIE: Daddy, Natalie used a bad word. NATALIE: No I didn’t. KATIE: Yes you did you said the B word. ME: Natalie, don’t use that word. NATALIE: Well, Katie used the H word. ME: Katie, don’t say that. KATIE: Natalie … Continue reading
ME: You know what The Incredible Hulk says when he’s making whipped potatoes? MELISSA: What? ME: HULK MASH! MELISSA: That isn’t even a joke.
MELISSA: Do you hear about that guy who left all that gold behind? ME: No. MELISSA: He died and when they went into his house they found seven million dollars in gold coins. He doesn’t have any heirs. ME: I’ll … Continue reading
ME: That’s gonna leave a mark. TAM: That’ll buff right out. ME: The driver may not notice it now, but he’s really gonna feel it in the morning. TAM: A good mechanic could have it running again in a couple … Continue reading
MELISSA: Do you mind if I watch my soap opera? ME: Nope. MELISSA: Go up a channel. ME: Is it that one? MELISSA: No. CBS. ME: Is this your show? MELISSA: That’s it. ME: Hey, look. They’re having a baby … Continue reading
KATIE: She took my gum! NATALIE: No I didn’t! KATIE: Yes you did! NATALIE: That was my gum! ME: We’ve got somewhere to be. We’ll have the Nuremberg Candy Trials later. Now let’s go.
WIFE: Katie, you can’t have dessert until you finish your greens. KATIE: You said I only had to eat three big bites. WIFE: That’s right. And what I put on your plate is three big bites. That’s some smart mommyin’.
ME: It’s an omelet. SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I hate omelets! ME: It’s delicious. SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I ain’t gonna like it. ME: That’s a bad attitude and bad grammar. SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: I’m gonna vomit. ME: Just … Continue reading
FOUR YEAR OLD NATALIE: Mommy, do you have any sevens? MELISSA: I have three sevens. FOUR YEAR OLD NATALIE: Yes! Now I have a set. ME: Your turn, Katie. SIX YEAR OLD KATIE: Natalie, do you have any twelves? FOUR … Continue reading