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Amazon Reviews You Can Use: Bizarro Comics

Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 | Comic Books, E-commerce | Permalink | No Comments |

By Bob S. (New York, United States)
This am bad book. It am full of stories about Bizarro World, home of Bizarro, the handsome duplicate of Superman. Every story start with Bizarro Code: “Us do opposite of all earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!” Me cry every time me read this book. Me hate it so much, me give it to all my friends. Since book is so bad, you should buy lots of copies.

By Heath Hanlin (North Syracuse, NY USA)
This book am so awful. Sometime me read and feel very mad at universe. Me read to me 4 year old son. Most comics am not violent enough for he. This am ’cause made long time ago when comics having more blood. Now we talk bizarro all over house. Make us sad sad sad.

Previously - Amazon Reviews You Can Use: Fresh Whole Rabbit

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Amazon Reviews You Can Use: Fresh Whole Rabbit

Tuesday, August 25th, 2009 | Best Of, E-commerce | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Amazon - Fresh Whole Rabbit:

By P. Breakfield IV “Tom” (Greenville, SC United States)
I’ll keep this short and sweet. We ordered one of these rabbits for our children this Easter and boy what a surprise. It is NOT a living rabbit. Someone has killed this rabbit and skinned it, I suppose for eating. Anyway, our children were traumatized and Easter is not the same holiday that it used to be for us. On the upside, we don’t have to fill their Easter baskets anymore as we told them the Easter bunny was killed by Amazon.

P.S. The rabbit tasted very good.

By Brad Ramirez (Denver, CO)
This goes great with the pelt, whiskers, and bunny eyeballs that I purchased on eBay. Now I have a whole rabbit! Thanks!

By V. Zhirinovsky “Vlad the Mad” (Virginia, USA)
I am Director of Unholy Sacrifices for a prominent pagan bloodcult. Since our traditional sacrifical practices have been banned in 189 countries and the moon, we are now allowed only to use animal carcasses purchased on the internet. Let me warn you, Baal-Hammon will NOT be appeased by this offering. The Dark One will only accept sacrifices of mammals larger than a badger.

By Bill “Bill” (Maryville, TN USA)
While I’m sure the rabbit tastes fine, I have to wonder… why does the part where Amazon shows what people who bought this item also bought display four enema devices and one teeny tiny thong? I’m kind of horrified.

By Elvis_Nixon (Oil Trough, Arkansas)
How many weekends have I spent, in the loincloth, knife clenched in my teeth, running through the fields trying to find a rabbit? (A bunch, trust me on this, a bunch.) All so I can have something to sacrifice on the altar once I get to the cave.

Now, with this, home, fix a cocktail, go through the day’s mail, finish my drink and drive over to the cave, yank this carcass out of the box and offer this at the feet of my dark lord and master, boom, done. I’m happy, my dark lord and master is happy, everybody wins.

Bonus! Zubaz Pants

Hat tip to Ann Althouse.

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Amazon reviews you can use

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009 | E-commerce | Permalink | No Comments |

Collegehumor.come piece prompts hundreds of tongue-in-cheek Amazon reviews of cheesy t-shirt. Via Ace of Spades:”Anyway, this has become a craze, and the t-shirt is now selling 100 per hour, with the small t-shirt company attempting to crank out 30,000 a day. (Note: I have no idea how 100 per hour becomes 30,000 per day, either. But that’s what the ABC article says. Take it up with the wolves.)”

FWIW, I don’t think the reviews are all that funny on this one, but the t-shirt company has to be thrilled with the orders.

Previously - Amazon reviews you can use

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Amazon reviews you can use

Thursday, May 21st, 2009 | Best Of, E-commerce | Permalink | 1 Comment |

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz

“Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”

“Horrible service, I bought my milk and went with the 7-9 day super saver shipping method and it arrived warm and curdled. What the hell?”

“I was considering buying used milk from a trusted Amazon reseller but decided against it. So you’ll notice the condition of MY milk was “New.” I deserve this luxury.”

“Why go to my local store and pay $2.99 for a galon of milk when I can have it overnight delivered for 10 times that price? I think I’ll get three gallons next time. As a current Pentagon employee, this makes perfect sense to me.”

“Don’t get fooled by the easy-to-use look of this product.”

“This product copiously leaks out of my nose whenever I read these reviews.”

Customer images.

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Hoaxing Amazon’s Customer Reviews

Friday, April 1st, 2005 | Best Of, E-commerce | Permalink | 4 Comments |

Amazon has been the leading champion of customer reviews of their products. It’s a fantastic shopping tool, but what happens when your customers yank your chain? Consider how you’d handle insincere customer reviews as you read the Amazon customer feedback for that legendary cheeseball, David Hasselfhoff.

Listmania for David Hasselhoff

QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST ALBUMS EVER MADE - part 3:
A list by cary s whitt, The Midwest Music Guru
kEWL tHINGS A dREAM sTREET fAN sHOULDN’T gO wITHOUT!!!!!1:
A list by Britty, kewl person
Xmas gifts (books & CDs) for people you dislike:
A list by vidiot_y2k, Politically Incorrect Chump

Our Customers’ Advice

See what customers recommend in addition to, or instead of, the product on this page.

2 people recommended Love Songs of the Tone-Deaf in addition to Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff [IMPORT]
2 people recommended Viral Diarrheas of Man and Animals instead of Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff [IMPORT]
1 person recommended Oh, Yuck: The Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty in addition to Watch Out for David Hasselhoff [EP] [EP] [IMPORT]
1 person recommended SUICIDE instead of Very Best of [IMPORT]

Customer Reviews of David Hasselhoff

Early morning I wake up and focus my eyes on the giant 10 by 6 poster of Him, the mulleteering monarch, the keeper of world harmony, gazing benevolantly down from the ceiling.

The day I first heard this CD, I now refer to it as my own personal D-Day. (David Day, of course.)

And ‘Hot Shot City,’ oh my god, easily the highpoint of the album. Buy this album, because David deserves a larger yacht.

I used to be an Iraqi insurgent but after attacking and blowing up the latest road block I stumbled upon what I can only describe as nirvana - David al-Haselhoff’s greatest hits. Why oh why was this walking god amongst men not sent to us before? When I played it on a looted stereo I was instantly struck by the melodies that could only have been sent to earth by angels. I was sent into a frenzy of excitation that could only be previously achieved by shooting Americans.

David Hasselhof. Just the name alone brings to mind great leaders. He is the modern day renaissance man of music. His tecnique rewrote the books on not only the physics of how the wave-form is shaped, but soo much more. He tells tales of love and tragedy. He performs the ritual slam dance with funk fusion ferocity on your ears with his hypnotic musical trance. If you play Watch Out for David Hasselhof 4 times slower than normal it plays the forbidden Zulu tribe dance of love

This is truly an astounding recording! Not since John Lennon declared that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, has a recording caused such a global phenomena.

The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good, the best song ever to feature a red Ferrari in the lyrics.

Before Hasselhoff, no one seriously thought of rock music as actual art. That all changed in the 1990s, though, when Hasselhoff created an undeniable work of art which remains, after a number of years, one of the most influential albums of all time.

I am now on my 14th copy of this incredible, wonderful, marvelous, sensuous, astonishing, mind-blowing, fantastic, prodigious, huge, phenomenal, stupefying, inconceivable, incroyable, unglaublich, glorious, ersatz, pleasant, insipid, tasty slab of scorching sonic ambrosia. Those who doubt the ascendancy of ‘The Hoff’ are truly the boorish offspring of feral land-trolls. The track “Hot Shot City” is particularly tempting.

At last, music’s finest offerings have been collected into one compact, throwable disk. A spinnable, flingable museum of pop culture’s most beauteous tunes. Thanks to the new, amazing “CD” technology, over 75 minutes of your favorite ballads, anthems and love songs have been culled and brought to you on this single flick-able album.

And not one, not two, but 18 tracks are all from the master of music himself, David Hummenchantz. But this is no coincidence- his unshaven body of work is legendary. Everyone with at least one ear has heard of “Dance Dance D’Amour” or “Believe.” So many of his chart-topping hits have topped the charts.

But put together, these songs form a potent suppository of melodic umph. The effect of hearing 18 straight tracks of David’s voice- a voice that many listeners have compared to an aroused donkey mounting a Volkswagen- is almost too much to bear. There are reports of some listeners ending their lives before the third track.

So listen to “Hot Shot City” before sticking your head in an oven. That song is particularly good.

That’s it for me today. The problem with April Fool’s Day is that if you try to post anything serious people will think you’re putting them on. - LJ

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