“God, I love America, I love Country Music, and I hate Ed Benson.”

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“God, I love America, I love Country Music, and I hate Ed Benson.”

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 | A&E |

Jack Sparks live reviewed last weekend’s Country Music Association awards. Via Frank Stossel’s Left of the Dial. Even if you don’t give a flip about contemporary country music (and I barely do), it’s a roaring, drunken, profanity-gilded rant. Sample:

Ed Benson is the greedy, Matrix-like “Architect” behind the cash grab in Nashville that has led to shameless spectacles like the one I just know I’m about to watch.

If you don’t listen to “Gentle on My Mind,” at least once every one or two weeks or so, you aren’t human. Ed Benson doesn’t, but he’s an ape.

No…wait…pause. Why didn’t Rascall Flatts get cut off? Alabama has sold 70 million fucking albums…billions of dollars poured into Nashville…and they got cut off…Rascall Flatts just delivered a dissertation on being stupid and talentless for like, 15 minutes and they cut off Randy Owen, who, like it or not, was the voice of Country Music for TWO FUCKING DECADES. Ed, you’re really blowing it tonight. What other tricks do you have up your greasy sleeve?

Oh God. Pause. Behind her, Jack and Jackie O and Waylon and Jessie. Did anybody ask anybody about this? This might be the single most hamfisted fucking stupid thing I’ve ever seen during the performance of a country song ever. Ed, you’re really fucking stupid. What DOES this mean? Could you explain this to me in 50 words or less? Could you do it in a hundred? This is exactly the kind of shit I’m talking about when I’m talking about shit.

Okay, here we go. Finally, Alison Krauss &Union Station plus Jerry Douglas, the best Dobro player on earth. Great Ed, your fucking monkeys in the booth fucked up her mic. Jesus Christ, pause. Hey Ed!!! You dumbass!!! The most talented performer all night just kicked off her song with a fucked up mic level. Is it that fucking hard? Who’s running this show? I’m sorry Alison. I’m sorry you’ve graced us with your beautiful voice and talent in a genre and industry that appreciates you about as much as the porn industry appreciates a 57 year old grandmother with the clap. You deserve better than Ed and his minions of evil. You’ve played in bombed out shit-holes, just this side of Branson, Missouri where there was barely more than one outlet, and yet your mic was on when you started singing. Guess what? You just launched into a song on the stage of Madison Square Garden and that wasn’t the case. How long, oh Lord, how long?

Nope, he definitely doesn’t like Ed Benson. He doesn’t much care for Kenny Chesney, Big and Rich, or the act he calls “Wham,” either. Read the whole glorious thing.

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